OT: Fears

Not so strangely, dealing with breast cancer (or any other serious disease for that matters), gets your head spinning running 1000 miles per hour and launches you into tons of fears. I'm afraid of waiting another 9 freakin' days for the next surgery. I'm afraid that the second lumpectomy (re-excision) won't get clear margins either. I'm afraid that I should have chosen a mastectomy instead of the second lumpectomy (doctor recommended the re-excision but would have done a mastectomy without question if I had wanted that). I'm afraid that my poor boob will look more deformed than it did to begin with (the post-WLS boob aka fruit roll-up). I'm afraid that even thought my sentinel lymph node was negative that some of the cancer escaped perhaps through the vascular system. I'm afraid that I might need chemotherapy (though it isn't looking that way but will really be up to the oncologist who I won't see til the surgery part of this is over). If I get chemo, I'm afraid that my WLS will affect my ability to absorb some of the good drugs that help counter the side effects. I'm afraid of early menopause if I get chemo because it might be basically ucky and mostly because it can cause significant bone loss. I'm afraid of the radiation therapy tiring me out, wearing me out, affecting my spirit and burning my skin. I'm afraid of the radiation therapy damaging my skin such that if I were ever to have cancer in that breast again that reconstruction would be a mess. I'm afraid of getting tested for the BRCA1 or BRCA2 genes (my sister is negative on both so not sure if I get tested or not) and finding out it is positive and have to face removal of both breasts and ovaries and reconstructive surgery. I'm afraid of hormone therapy and all the possible side effects... joint aches and pains, moodiness, depression and all sorts of crap. I'm afraid that WLS will effect the absorption of the hormone therapy. But strangely you know what I'm VERY afraid of? Weight gain from the hormone therapy. I finally get my weight to where it always should have been and I look great and I felt good (well before this anyway). Now I might be faced with a weight gain? I know my health is more important than 10 lbs or whatever it ends up being but still... it scares me. Thanks for all your support, prayers and for just listening. Kathy

Kathy - It breaks my heart to read your post!!! I can understand your fear though. I can't even imagine what I would be like - I'm sure a total basket case. I don't have any magic words to take away your fears, but just know that I'm here and praying for you!!! Hugs, Laurie

You have EVERY right to be afraid... all of these are truely life altering events.... and the options change lives as well.... And once you get some answers... you will feel a bit better but the what ifs are going to still be there..... I wish I could give you a real hug.... maybe someday... keep expressing those fears... journal, cry, bring them here.... it wont make them go away but might make them more bearable... Hugs Karen

Kathy, Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are going through a LOT and it is totally understandable that you are fearful. I pray that everything goes well with this next surgery and no further treatment is required. Please know we're rooting for you the entire way. Big hugs, Wanda

Kathy, As all of the wise women who posted previously said, all of these fears are completely normal. You are going through an extremely scary process, and there are many unknowns still out there. However, you are both strong and informed, and have gotten through so much. You will make it through this, too. You have more support out here in cyberland than you probably know, and many people are praying for your health and recovery. Are you giving more thought to a mastectomy and reconstruction? In the long run that might alleviate some of your fears as to recurrence. I know that is a radical consideration, and a very difficult decision. My mother had a mastectomy with no reconstruction after her lumpectomy did not remove all the cancer. The decision not to do reconstruction was due to her age and medical condition. It has now been over nine years since her mastectomy, and her other breast continues to be clear. She then had chemotherapy, with no radiation, as the breast was removed. For her, chemotherapy was relatively easy, but of course, each regimen is different, depending on the drugs used. I pray for you that the time you wait before your surgery passes quickly, and your mind can find some peace while you wait. That is certainly easy for me to say, not walking in your shoes, but you are in my thoughts. Debra M.