Help, I'm grieving and want to binge

I need your help. Last Wednesday I got one of those horrible phone calls when I got home from work. My father had collapsed, and it was a brain hemorrhage. My husband and I drove through the night to get to him, to find it was the worst of news. He was being kept alive on a ventilator, until the family could get there. My father had always been completely clear of his final wishes, so there was no doubt as to what we must do. On Thursday afternoon, he left us. I loved my father so deeply, that this has been pretty devastating to me. He never got to see me thin. He had been so proud of my success, and couldn't wait to see me. We buried him on Monday, and I returned home to Michigan yesterday. Since then, I either don't want to eat, or eat something full of sugar and get really ill. For the first time in my life, I understand why some people "cut" themselves, as a way to cope with emotional pain. I am a completely rational middle-aged woman, but I do not want to be rational with this. I have been drinking my protein as a way of coping since I've been home, but am afraid to eat anything, as I might just not stop. My rational brain understands this is a normal grieving process, and I will just have to get through this time. Being the holiday season is not making it any easier, as I keep thinking of the other responsibilites that I have to contend with. My father had a very bad heart, and we have been fortunate to have him with us for the last 20 years. It is ironic that a fall, and bump on the head is what he died from. He was only 74 years old. Thanks for listening, Debra M.

Debra, I am so sorry to hear about your father. Please know that you are in my prayers. Take care of yourself. Big hugs, Wanda

I am so sorry for your loss. No one can know how you feel but you have a lot of people hear to talk too. All those feelings are normal and you need to focus on your life with your family right now. You dad sees you thin, I am a true believer that they see us from where they are. Keep busy. Time will heal the pain. Geniene

Oh, Debra, I am so terribly sorry. As someone who loves her father so very deeply I can only imagine what you must be feeling. Do know that we are praying for you. Also, no amount of food, sugar, or cutting will bring him back. I can understand the desire to numb, but you will feel the feelings eventually. Numbing them will only delay the inevitable. No matter when you feel them they will be horrific, unbelievable, and painful. But you will feel them and they are just feelings and they will eventually subside. You will always miss him and mourn him, but it will get easier. Take care and keep writing. It's better than harming yourself with food or other things. Michelle

Thank you all for your messages of support. Today I am able to go for longer than five minutes without crying, which is progress. I am still not wanting to eat food, but making sure to drink my protein and take vitamins. I tried doing a little Christmas shopping this morning, but couldn't get into the spirit yet, maybe tomorrow. Maybe my husband will cook something good for supper, and get me eating again. He has been a wonderful rock of support through this, along with my children. Debra M.

Hi Debra, I understand your feelings of frustration and grief and wanting to turn to food and such in this time. I have in fact been doing this in the past few weeks and my weight just keeps going back and forth up 3 lbs and down 3lbs... but more upsetting is i have not been able to get myself to do my routine work-out due to being so 'down' and this is causing a vicous cycle... its so difficult when we do this to ourselves... i wish i had more answers, and i dont mean to turn this into 'me me me' but like someone else said..it is good to write on here. i am learning to share more and more myself. food is NOT the answer. I know that eating healthy and drinking lots of water and exercising would make me feel SO MUCH better, but..... actually doing those things... well... i guess it just takes time and practice to do them. keep coming back on here, know that people care about you. know that others are facing struggles. i am SO VERY SoRRY about your Dad. Its a very tough time, the absolute toughest to go through this....My heart goes out to you, Debra. and send you and internet I'm glad you have your husband and other family/children there to support you... Jess