Confessions of a Mad Woman

OK here goes Laurie's confession time. ehhmmm eehhmmm I am moderately to severly depressed. I have started having anxiety attacks and I've STOPPED going places. For instance, I'm supposed to leave right now and go pick up three of my kids from school. But I don't like to leave the house, so I'll wait another 10 mins until my oldest son gets home and ask him to go pick them up (he's 17 and LOVES to get to drive) no harm, no foul, but the kids have to wait at the school a few extra minutes. Last week I about LOST it in WalMart. I don't know why exactly, but I was desperately trying to get groceries and dh hasn't been home and hasn't stuck to the budget and I'm trying to cover all our needs and do it cheaply... and I started shaking and I was dripping in sweat!!! I just wanted to leave the full cart of groceries in the middle of the store and go home!! And I would have except I knew that dh wasn't home and I'd HAVE to just come back up later and do it all again!!!! Then yesterday dh was home for a few hours before leaving for the week and he dragged me out shopping to get me a winter coat. (since our mornings have been in the 30's it WAS time to buy one) I hear two ladies in the store talking and the one lady says, "My son told his dad, 'Dad, you abandoned us, we didn't leave you'" and I just started crying!!!! So this whole thing has me quite freaked out. I mean I was more "stable" when I was 266 pounds!!! I thought losing weight would gain me MORE confidence, but that's not what happened. I think that everyone is looking at me thinking that I'm "showing off" because I've lost the weight.... which is almost funny cuz it's absolutely the opposite. I've cancelled most appointments and I've pretty much stayed home for the last few weeks. Now today it seems to be catching up to me!!! I'm home - nothing to do - I'm bored and all I find to do is....... oh yes, you know what's coming..... EAT!!!! So far today I've eatten. b - oatmeal s - hot choc w/ protein l - dblcheeseburger (no bun) apple dipper ( had to take the boys to the dentist this am, I was at McD's at 10:30 am getting this.... yup, that's when i ate lunch) s - sbd breakfast bar s - apple w/ peanutbutter s - hot choc w/ protein powder (and it's only 3:50pm) and I REALLY REALLY want to munch on some popcorn, but the kids will be home and then they'll want some and I don't want to ruin their dinner. Good Golley Miss Molley - I'm going freakin' NUTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I do have an apt tomorrow morning with my pcp. My goal is to bring this up with him along with some other things and getting my labs checked. UGH - I hate to say it, but I think I need some drugs!!!!! Laurie

Laurie, Glad to hear you are going to see your PCP tomorrow. Be sure to tell all, okay? More information, the better. Drugs are definitely an option but I'd definitely suggest getting heavy duty lab work done to make sure it isn't some deficiency or something. Almost time for the 18 month lab work anyway. Just want to make sure that the nutritional issues you've had aren't still lurking and contributing to your issues. It is a possibility. I've taken anti-depressants a few times in my life and they did help quite a bit. I wasn't having anxiety issues or panic attacks but more of a general state of melancholy. Strange but I find it very comforting to know that zoloft worked for me in the past and if the depression came back I can go back on it and hopefully get past it as I have a few times in the past. Sort of like a tool in my tool box sort of thing if that makes any sense at all. It took me a long while of therapy to agree that I needed medicine. I tried therapy for months but over time realized I didn't have much to talk about and I still felt crappy. My reluctance was based on the one other person in the world that I knew way back that took an anti-depressant. She never went for therapy and was completely hook on a man she hadn't dated in 4-5 years. Every conversation, his name would crop up. But she got drugs to help the depression and never worked on the issue. Never made sense to me. But I digress. Anyway, brighter days are ahead for you, hon, I just know it! Take good care of you! Hugs, Kathy

Thanks for the support Kathy. I haven't had full labs drawn since January, so it's definately time for me. I made my apt at 7:45 am so I could see him, get the lab slip and do right to the lab for my fasting test. Poor guy is going to get bombarded first thing tomorrow. Here's my list: 1. full labs done 2. check lump I found in my neck 3. need something to help sleep/anxiety/depression 4. check sugar level for diabeties (I've been pre-diabetic for a long time) 5. try to make sense of this NUTTY woman!!! eks, I'm forgetting something, hopefully it'll come to me before tomorrow. Laurie

Laurie, Hopefully, that's it, eh? LOL! Good move on the early appointment. Be sure to bring something with you to eat after you get done at the lab. (Mother Hen, that I am...) Good luck! BTW, full labs every 6 months!!!!! Kathy

Yes Maam' * said with her eyes looking at her shoes* lol Laurie

Just wanted to pop in and tell you I'm thinking about you (and worried about you!) I can relate to your anxiety although for me, it WAS prior to WLS. I couldn't even run to the grocery by myself - would rather take the toddler with me than go by myself (now that's sad!) I hope you get some answers from your doc, or at least led in the right direction.

I will be praying for you, Laurie. Funny how we all thought our lives would be perfect once we lost weight. Little did we know.... Anyway, hang in there, sweetie. There's nothing wrong with taking a lil' something if you need it. Hugs, Tracy

Laurie - I know you wrote this the other day (I've not checked in for a while) but I wanted to give you some reassurance! I have a bottle of Xanax that I use when I need it. Not the whole bottle although sometimes I feel like I could use it! Anyway, anxiety and depression are a b*tch - I've dealt with it most of my adult life. I've been off and on anti-depressants several times. Right now I'm on them, not for depression, but for my fibromyalgia (which is treated the same as depression) and like I said, I've got my Xanax for those anxiety attacks. I hate em! My heart starts fluttering, I get really nervous and shakey feeling, and after many attempts at slow breathing, going to my "happy place", visualizing, etc. if I'm still feeling it, I will take 1/2 pill and if that doesn't cut it, I'll take the 2nd half. We're here for you! Michelle