My name is Heather and I am a......

Well, it's time for me to admit it. I have a problem that I have been fighting the last three to four months or so, and it's getting worse. It's time for me to deal with it. My name is Heather and I am anorexic. This is why my health has truly been screwed up lately, and it's taken a lot, but I realized finally that I have to recognize what is truly going on and deal with it. I've tried to blame my issues on the lack of vitamins, etc. However, the truth of the matter is that not only do I not take my vitamins, but I don't eat and when I do, I throw up. Yes, this is all on purpose, and yes, I know that this is extremely unhealthy. I never came into this surgery expecting washboard abs, but as the weight drops leaving me these hideous flaps of skin, it has taken a toll on me psychologically. I feel like I've worked so hard to get here and then I look in the mirror and see a horribly grotesque site. My husband (I really don't know what I would do if it wasn't for him) keeps telling me that I must be looking into some strange mirror because he only sees a beautiful skinny woman. This whole body dismorphia thing is so complex. I wish I could see the same person that everyone else sees. I hate eating anymore. There's nothing out there that even remotely enjoy eating or drinking anymore. Feeding my body has become a chore. Hopefully, getting this all down on "cyber paper" will help me begin the process of recovery. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I really need the support of my Maysters to get through this. I've been hesitant to post this until now. Thanks Heather

Heather - Girls that took guts and I applaud you for sharing your heart with us. I personally don't feel qualified to advise you in anything except that for your health you really should go see a councelor about this. It's so easy to let things go until it's really bad (trust me I'm the queen of it). Don't wait, do it today. Great BIG HUGS to you today!!!!!! Laurie

Heather, Aww, honey. I commend you for standing up and saying this out loud and publically but most of all for admitting to yourself that you have a problem. You know that you have my FULL support. Let me know whatever I can do to help. I hope you can find a good counselor in your area to help with the issues and behaviors. You are not the first post-op to go through this and you won't be the last. Some post-ops become anorexic or bulemic. Some post-ops become alcoholics, sexaholics, drug addicts or shopaholics. When food isn't there to comfort us anymore, we can direct our emotions into other things that are unhealthy and even dangerous. Please, dear, do take your vitamins. That's so critical. And then work with your counselor, physician and nutritionist to get the nourishment in that your body needs. Don't think of it as enjoyment but as fuel to nourish your body and help it regain it's health. If you are comfortable, you might want to post this on the WLS-grads board too. I'm sure there are others dealing with the same situation that could share their experiences too. You are in my thoughts and prayers, Kathy

"Don't think of it as enjoyment but as fuel to nourish your body and help it regain it's health." This is soooo the key!!! When I was laying in the hospital hooked up to artifical nutrition (really not caring too much what happened to me at that point) I had to decide if I wanted to get better or not. I KNEW the doctors were wrong and they weren't going to be able to help me in the long run! (yes, a stroke can and does come from wls!!! It is directly linked to lack of nutrients in your body) These doctors were not going to let me go home. I had to BEG my way out of there and I did it by promising to eat every meal, every day until I was no longer malnutrished. They mandated 100 grams of protein a day - and I wanted to go home sooooo bad that I did it!!!! I had no desire to eat, I could hardly stand the sight and smell of food but darn it all I made myself get through 100 grams of protein each and every day. I got off the IV food and I've done everything possible to stay off!!! The old dont live to eat - eat to live thing is very very true for some of us!!!! laurie

I think I am a mix of eating to live and "eating" for enjoyment. More times than not, I eat because it is time to eat. Often, I do not really even care what it is. Sometimes, I'm not particularly hungry. I don't want what I'm eating tasting like crap but whether it is a hard boiled egg or some deli meat or tuna salad just doesn't matter. To me, that is eating to live. Rich (and me too sometimes) will cook on a weekend. We'll do a pot roast, a pot of chili, some sort of chicken, whatever. We get excited over it. We want stuff that tastes good. We'll have some on Sunday and then eat leftovers a few days into the week. There is enjoyment involved in that so there is an "eating" for enjoyment component to it. Also, on the weekend, we usually will have 1 or 2 meals out. We are never home at the same time around meals during the week so weekends are it. Again, there is some enjoyment in going out to eat and picking something different off a menu (and being served too). I think, in my former life as an obese person, I got way too much enjoyment out of food. I kept thinking about my next meal or snack. Quality wasn't that important. Quantity obviously was. I wanted some of it all. The appetizer, salad, entree and dessert. Those days are long, long gone. Kathy

I applaud your courage for coming out and saying that. I honestly sense how hard that was for you and I commend you for taking this step. Please, get yourself to a kind, understanding therapist who can help you work through these issues. Remember why you had WLS - to be healthy - and fight this. Know that you're in my thoughts. Becky

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Heather. You are a ery courageous woman and I know you will face up to this and beat it. God bless. Hugs, Tracy