It all came back to me...

I went to a meeting yesterday morning with the Commanding Officer of the base. This is a normal Friday morning meeting that I attend every week and it consists of all of the Tenant Commands on the base and their respective representatives. Since I represent all of the Ombudsman on the base which in turn represents all of the spouses on the base, I am "strongly encouraged" to be there. (Read: required) So, the layout of this room is one large, long conference table in the middle of the room that all of the Commanding Officers, Department Heads, etc. sit at and all around the edge of the room are chairs, all of which have arms on them and are "normal" sized. Well, I never really thought about them before because I became the Ombudsman in March, and I was somewhat of a "normal" size at that time (size 16) so it's not been an issue for me. So, yesterday at this meeting I was sitting there and the meeting was about to start and the room was pretty full, only one or two seats available and in walks this woman who had to be pushing (if she wasn't already) 400 pounds and immediately every single feeling that I ever had being so huge (my highest was around 370) came flooding back to me. I seriously got tears in my eyes. I could just feel her discomfort looking around and KNOWING everyone was looking at her and the thoughts of the people sitting around the two unoccupied chairs feeling like, "please don't sit here". I could see and feel her plastered on smile as she walked over to the one empty chair and turned around to sit down. I could feel and hear her thoughts of "these people see my big ol' a$$ getting ready to sit in this chair - I hope I fit..." I saw her squeezing into the chair that was completely obviously too small for her and my heart broke and it was all I could do to not cry, seriously. I wanted to go over and hug her so tight. She was just oozing out of that chair and couldn't sit back or anything. You all KNOW that I am not saying this as a criticism of her, but reliving every single feeling that I ever had. I looked at myself in my chair and all of the room that I had sitting back comfortably, legs crossed, and had to keep myself from running over to her and saying, "PLEASE get gastric bypass surgery!!" but then I though about how I would feel if someone had said that to me at my heaviest. I probably would have decked them. I looked at the woman several times throughout the meeting. Honestly, I don't know who she was, what her name was, what command she was with or anything, but I did know her pain and I could see the subtleties of it all over her face, in her body language, as only one of can. I am literally tearing up as I write this because it brought every single experience, feeling, emotion, humiliation, embarassment, everything back. During this meeting we go around the room and make any comments or reports from our respective departments, etc. and if someone has nothing to report to the group they state that. I could see as it came to this woman that she grew more and more uncomfortable as we all know that we just want to disappear and not be noticed when we're feeling so obviously uncomfortable (i.e., sitting in a chair that is way not right for you). She quickly stated, "Nothing for the group." and had to look behind her at the tiny man sitting in the chair right next to her because she couldn't see him next to her as she couldn't sit back. God, this just tore me up. My husband and I went to see The DaVinci Code yesterday and I was telling him about my experience at the meeting and I told him that I never want to forget that feeling and all that I went through as an enormous person. EVER! I believe that's the only way that I will keep on the right path and do what I know to do. I just wanted to share this with all of you because I know you would understand. Michelle

I understand Michelle. It has happened to me lately too. Lori

Thanks for sharing the story Michelle, It is so heart breaking to see people who are where we were and how they labor under such a heavy load { literally }. It does take us back to see and witness the misery, embarrassment and humiliation that is the daily life encountered when morbidly obese. Thanks be to God we have been relieved of such heartache via the tool of our wls. Not that we glide along free, because we do have to work the tool to reap the rewards. But huge are the blessings and freedoms we now enjoy. I came across some photos of our trip to the Grand Canyon in 04, this am. I wanted to cry as I looked at myself. Honestly I didn't realize then that I looked like THAT ! I showed my hubby and he said " Now you gotta admit that you see a huge difference !!!" I remember having to sleep sitting up because with the air so thin and myself so very heavy, I was unable to breathe otherwise. It was miserable. Also it was humiliating to not to be able to take hikes with my grandchildren, only offer excuses which they could not understand, and watch the disappointment on their faces ... just walking across the room I was drenched with sweat and all red in the face and gasping. It does stir my heart to want to pray for the gifts of freedom and weight loss for all those others who still suffer , when I happen to witness their distress. Who knows, maybe nobody else will CARE to pray when they are so busy staring and judging. When we feel so sad for them because WE KNOW their pain maybe praying for them gives us something to do when we feel so powerless and haven't earned the right to share about the wls personally. It was good to help me reflect on this years gifts we Maysters have recieved to enjoy.Thankyou, Mary

Michelle, What a powerful post! That experience will probably go with you as you go through a life of maintaining your weight loss. By experiencing that, you have been given a gift, as difficult as it was to go through those feelings again. I feel so deeply for that woman. Thanks for posting this. Eileen

I think Eileen said it all... very powerful post, indeed, Michelle. Rich and I were at the air show today at Andrews and looking around at people... I saw so many struggling to walk around, being over heated and looking just plain uncomfortable. One was a family where everyone was obese including all 3 children. My heart went out to them. I know what's it is like to be very young and obese and it bites. It is indeed a blessing to never forget where you came from for from it you will be kind and compassionate to others whounfortunately will walk the same steps. Hugs, Kathy

It hits me all the time... All you can do is pray for them and remember... "There but for the grace of God goes you or I" Your post brings up a question... At what point do we try to become advocates and where is it more appropriate to keep mum? Kate Z

Good question to bring up, Kate. I've thought about the advocacy vs. being mum question quite a bit. There are several women at my gym who are quite obese. They make the huge effort (as we ALL know it is when we're MO) to show up at 24 Hour Fitness: working out and sweating and being embarassed in front of the regular crowd as well as all the perfect gym rats. Once I nearly stopped and told a MO woman 'you're doing great', and thought the better of it. Had someone said that to me when I was MO I would probably have been deeply embarassed, angry, and possibly never showed up again. So, based on that, I've decided to just look them in the eye and smile. One of the most vivid and unpleasant experiences of being MO is being invisible. That bothered me even more than the taunts I might receive. A look and a smile acknowledges the person and is not patronizing. If someone were to ask me about WLS I would not hesitate to be an advocate, however. This is my path and how I arrived at it. Your mileage may vary. Eileen

Eileen, That is what I do at the gym... actually I do it for everyone but I try especially to do it for the MO ladies and that is to look at them in the eye, acknowledge them, say hello, or wish them a nice day on my way out of the locker room. They really aren't invisible - at least, not to me. Kathy