Trial seperation......
My husband and I agreed to a trial seperation lastnight. He is depressed and has fought with depression throughout our relationship. I have always been there for him, to handle all of the day to day issues he couldn't and to pick up all the slack. I feel like I did it because I felt so bad about me and so desperate not to be alone that I had to make absolute sure that he needed me and could not live without me.
Then I had surgery. I fixed the outside of me and it gave me hope (and also brought into the forefront) all the issues inside me that I felt a new confidence I could tackle. I have been working on my codependency issues and self worth issues and am starting to make real progress at standing up for what I want and need. My husband, however, is not ready to grow and change. This has made the chasm between us bigger and bigger.
I'm not mad at him. I believe we all have a choice (if we want) to wallow in whatever stage we are at until we are ready to fix ourselves for our own sake. I love him and feel that through the way I was acting toward him and the dependency I forced him to have on me that I have also stalled his progress in recovery and growth.
Basically right now I believe we love each other too much to stay together and continue to limit each other. But it hurts so bad to be enlightened.... to not just float along and pretend its all okay. I am so upset, so sad... my best friend isn't going to be there every day. I asked him to stay here in the house with me... for us to work on raising our daughter in the same house and he replied (because he knows lobster is my favorite food) "Would you want to sit across a table from someone eating lobster?" Like he is so jealous of how much I have been able to deal with some of my own issues and wishes he could have the strength to do that himself. I feel for him, I just can't be the martyr anymore.
This is breaking my heart but also feels like a relief. And that makes me feel even worse. I wish I could be stronger and be able to give him what he needs.... but that is the old me talking. What I know he really needs is to be self-reliant... to get his own self-worth back. To believe in his ability to grow and heal. And I don't know if we can be in the same house while he does that... we are too set in 8 yrs of patterns.
I just need a hug guys. I need a hug and to cry and cry and cry (and I have). I thought nothing but good would come from this change. And I know this IS good.... we had an unhealthy relationship. But it was also a very close loving understanding relationship that we both tried so hard to get right.
For what ever reasons sweety .. things like this happen after surgery . hell they happen with out the surgery .. I too am going thru the same things .. but the kicker here is my husband refuses to let go of me .. I asked him for a divorce yesterday and he refuses .. I am so miserable with him .. we have lost respect for one another .. and numerous other issues .. I am not in love with him .. have not been for a long time .. and I just can not go on like this .. Now I feel like I am stuck ..
I wish I could say he was understanding and loving .. but ..
You have to do what you have to do .. yes our outsides change and our insides change too .. I for one have gained a lot of self esteem and independence.
I will pray for you .. and HUg you right here .. I wish nothing but the best for you .
Always,
Natalie
Dear Mo,
Here's a really big hug from someone who's been there too. My ex was also chronically depressed, and while at the beginning I thought I was just what he needed, after a while (when I couldn't always be the strong one) the relationship twisted into a mutually destructive one. I never stopped loving him, but realized that I couldn't save his life and he was costing me mine. Worse, we were setting a terrible example for our son.
We've been apart for almost three years now, still maintaining some contact because of our son. who lives with me. Though he hasn't contributed a cent to child support, my ex has just barely managed to support himself and has gained a tiny measure of self-respect.
Your post is so perceptive about both sides of these issues. Thank goodness you have come to this understanding now, rather than another 8 years from now. Sometimes when you love 'em you've got to let them go .... I know it's hard but it really is the right thing, the only thing to do.
Stay close to your family and friends over the coming months as you go through a grieving period for your relationship. Believe me that it does get brighter after the clouds part.
Best to you,
Donna
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