Compassion for skinny people....
You know, lately I have been realizing that when I was big I might not have been as compassionate towards skinny people as I should have been. I have to say that now that I can empathize with some of the problems skinny people have that I regret some of my past attitudes. Again, something else to add to the list of why I am glad I had this surgery. It's not only helping the outside me to be a better person... the inside me is getting better too.
I wish I could say that it has improved my personality. I find, to my utter shame, that I am more judgemental of fat people. I mostly just feel like some sort of WLS evangelist-wanting to tell the world how great this has made my life. I wish I could help the world avoid GETTING fat in the first place.
I'm so glad your compassion is growing as a result of your body shrinking. I wish I could say mine is.
Huggers,
Susan
Susan,
I think I am more with you on this subject. I think a majority of heavy people 'really' don't get the portion control thing. I know since I WAS one of THEM!! I always said I hardly ate anything but only I know that it really WASN'T true. I have sympathy towards all of those that are very heavy but I too wish I could wear a picture of myself on my back so people would ask me how I lost so much weight. Unfortunitely I do know that not everyone has insurance that will cover it and then there are some that don't want to take the risk. But I do wish I could shout from the roof tops on how much my quality of life has improved. Life is wonderful....I do have bumps here and there but at least I am alive and healthy!!! I hope I did not offend anyone....I have NOT forgotten what it felt like to weigh 265 and out of breath walking up a few steps. That is why I wish I could help lots of people!!
Julie S.
165/162/130
Tummy tuck approved....
I guess I am unclear what problems skinny people have? I am sure like everyone there are issues in their lives - but how much of it is due to them being skinny or even just "normal" sized? And all things being equal how does that compare to problems of the obese? This is not to say I don't think normal weight (skinny) people don't have problems and issues.
I notice people that are heavier than myself now, (There were not too many bigger than I before surgery!) I am amazed at the feelings I get. Everything from disgust to pity to hopeful to angry and others too - such a wide range. There are times I feel like going up to them with my pre-op photo and shake them "You're on the same road - but you can change! I am, see!"
If someone did that to me a few years ago, they might have lost a few teeth. I know I was not ready to do this until I did it. I often say, "Oh I wish I did this sooner!" - that's a bunch of crap. I wish I had been ready to do it sooner but doing it sooner without being ready would have been a completely different experience. I liken it when an alcoholic says that they needed to "bottom out" before they could embrace recovery.
I really feel like being an evangelist about WLS some times. I totally do. But I restrain those feelings all the time. I have had a number of people as me about my experiences and how I made the decisions I have made regarding WLS. But I don't thrust that information on them without them making the initial query. There are so many issues regarding surgery beyond just the medical aspects - insurance aspects, financial aspects, support aspects, mental aspects, etc.
My rule of thumb is if a person is willing to ask me about WLS, my first assumption is they may be ready. (Sometimes it is SO clear that they are not!) But thrusting my experiences and beliefs on them without their asking is obnoixous at worse and rude at best.
Just my $0.02
Well as far as skinny people problems there are a lot of things I never realized before about being skinny. When I was fat I could skip a meal and it was okay. I am now at the point that if I make a habit of not eating enough I have to worry about becoming underweight. It is also a lot harder to shop for being skinny than I ever realized. I am literally having to learn how people this size dress to show the most flattering view. I am also cold all the time... something that skinny friends of mine complained about before but I always dismissed. My breasts are now WAY smaller than they were.... something I never thought I would complain about. I have also noticed a trend among the heavier people I encounter who don't know me well. They kind of seem to dismiss my problems as "no big deal" because since I am not overweight my problems must be small in comparison to theirs. Now I can relate because in the past I might have felt that way, even subconciously. We all know the "weight" that our obesity put on us every day. I have actually had to adjust some because I thought in some ways my life would be so much easer when I wasn't obese anymore and the truth is that the problems that I had that had nothing to do with my obesity are still there and did not magically melt away with the pounds. In fact, now that my obesity problems are not in the forefront of my mind there are other problems that maybe I wasn't quite ready to focus on that now have way more "weight" and need to be dealt with. It might be progress but sometimes progress hurts.
I have also had a problem about wanting to preach to everyone I see about how much this surgery saved me and changed my life. My husband's favorite saying to me these days is "you can't save everyone, especially if they aren't ready to be saved." The biggest hurt I have had recently is losing my favorite uncle who, had he had this surgery 10 years ago, would still be here today. I felt almost guilty going to the funeral, much like the only survivor of a horrible plane crash might feel going to the other victim's funerals. Of course my family asked what I had been doing to lose all this weight and most of them hadn't seen me since surgery. I could see it written on all of their faces as it really sunk in... they were all thinking that Uncle Billy would still be there if he had had this opportunity. And I DID get to tell him about it before he died. Unfortunately it was way too late by that point. He wouldn't have survived the surgery.
I actually broke into tears in a grocery store the other day. A woman walked in. She was probably 60 and had to be at least 400lbs. I watched her strain to walk, one knee very obviously blown. I saw the strain and the pain on her face and she sadly strolled the aisles putting lots of food into her cart, knowing that every choice she made was being judged by everyone who looked on. My husband saw me looking at her. I looked up at him and said "I want to go talk to her. I want to tell her there's a way." He tried to stop me but I just couldn't let it go. I went up to her and handed her my before picture, which goes with me everywhere I go. I told her that the picture was just 8 months ago and that while I didn't look like someone who should understand (me in my size 4 pants at 125lb) that I did have some idea of what she was living with. I gave her my phone number, told her about the website, and told her that I knew of plenty of good doctors in the area. She was very kind, and like you said John, I might not have taken being approached in that way very well myself but she wasn't mean at all to me or offended. She told me that her doctor wasn't sure if she was going to survive the angioplasty that she needed, much less a surgery like this. She had found out a week before that she probably had 6 months or less to live. We cried all over each other. The whole store stared as this very large woman folded me into her arms, embracing a total stranger. Of course I lost it and we had to go home. I'm still crying. I hope she calls me... I offered to help her in whatever way I could.
So yeah, my husband is right. You can't save everyone. I'm not ready to stop trying though. That doesn't mean that I am going to stop every person that I see who I suspect has a BMI over 40. Most of the time I wouldn't just run up to a stranger like that. It just hit me so hard watching her. I looked in her eyes and I knew that while I might not know exactly how she felt I knew enough of what that place looked like and it wasn't pretty.
Thanks, I understand better what you meant about the problems of skinny people now. The skipping of meals was never a problem before and I could never understand why people would get so upset about not eating. Well, when you have a hundred or more pounds of reserve fat around is it really a wonder it's easy to skip a meal and not blink an eye? Now, I am much more aware of when and why I need to eat. I feel bad if I don't eat - shaky, or tired usually.
The cold thing - OMG. I am freezing too. I was NEVER cold before. I feel like an eskimo at times all bundled up. For the first winter that I can recall I am looking forward to spring and summer. I never really cared before. The warm weather just meant more sweating, hopefully now it will bring some comfort too.
You're absolutely correct about the 'other issues' taking on more "weight". Things that took a backseat to my obesity now have a greater impact. They were always there, but compared to the obesity issues they really didn't match up. Now you gotta deal with them because there isn't something more pressing ahead of it. Like you said, progress can hurt but it's still progress. I don't think anyone ever runs out of issues to deal with, it's part of life.
I don't necessarily agree with on the clothes thing though. Didn't you have just as much problems finding flattering clothes when you were larger? Heck, just finding clothes was harder for me when I was larger. I am by no means skinny now and not at goal, but at least I can go into most stores and have a huge selection to choose from now. Where pre-op that wasn't even possible. Maybe before clothes were strictly functional, now they have are both functional and fashionable?
I am sorry about your uncle. That must have been pretty hard. Now, I am sure you thought that people were thinking surgery would have saved him, but unless someone actually said it to you I wouldn't be so sure. We (post-ops) are all hyper-sensitive and aware of the surgery's benefits but I am not so sure about people who have not gone through this.
About 3 months before I had surgery I lost a cousin. He died of a massive heart attack. He was only 10 years or so older than me. I knew I had to do something. It was my wake up call. Up until then, I was 'pretty sure' I would have surgery. His funeral changed that. As I struggled to serve as a pallbearer I knew I had to do something.
I am amazed at your courage and empathy towards the woman in the store. I don't think I could ever do that. I take a shuttle bus between the train and work. There is this woman who I often give my seat to. She struggles to get on and off the bus everyday. I would love to talk to her about WLS but I have not. Maybe I will someday, I don't know.
HI,
I understand what you are saying. I experienced this issue many years ago with my daughter. She was only 12, but was already 5'10", about a ladies size 12 and wore a size 12shoe. Her best friend, of course, was barely 5' tall & weighed about 70 lbs.... We went shopping with her one day, and it was SHE who put it into perspective. She said to us "wow, I didin't know Sarah & I had the same problem"... you see, because of Sarah's age, all of the clothes we would find for her looked way too "old lady", but for her friend, she still HAD to shop in the Childrens dept, and felt lilke the clothes were way too young. They had the same problem, just different ends of the spectrum. And, large or small they both found it very difficult to deal with and were self-concious of their size.
I also know how I felt about the "judgements" made on me while I was fat, but I have found that there are equally as insensitive "judgements" made on skinny people. When I was fat, no one ever came right up to me and said "man, you are fat! when are you going to loose weight?"...but, recently, and several times, I have had "well meaning (???)" acquaintainces (not close friends mind you) say "Oh my G.., you have lost too much weight you're not loosing more are you"... this was not meant as a compliment, it was said with a look of horror. I was so hurt. I have decided that the next time something like this is said, I am going to "very politely" say, "Actually, I am exactly where I and my Dr want me to be".... No more getting pulled in and feeling bad about some else's OPINION...... You know what they say about OPINIONs...Everyone has one....
That's my 2cents (more like 4 since I rambled so)
Pam
RNY 5/13/04
268/158 10 lbs under goal
I relate well to Susan and John on this one. I, too, find myself wanting to rush upon people and preach the gospel according to weightloss surgery. We eat out alot because of work schedules and my complete dislike for cooking. I find myself sitting in restaurants watching folks come and go. I jab my husband and say "candidate". I have him doing it now too. I'm not sure if its just a complete dislike for fat or fear of returning to the way I was, but its like you want to rescue everyone from their obesity.
As far as being compassionate for the thin.....hell I was envious. I wanted what they had. From where I was standing it sure looked better on their side of the platform. Now that i'm on the thinner side, people that dont know i've lost 100 lbs say things to me that I used to say to thin people. I started a new job this week and we had a drug rep lun*****luding chocolate cake. When I refused the cake one of the girls immediately cracked "oh please, you're tiny, you dont have to worry about eating it". I just looked at her like YOU HAVE NOOOO CLUE!!! My ex husband was always very thin. He hated people commenting on his weight. I couldnt fathom the concept of "skinny jokes". Now i'm screaming "SOMEONE TEASE ME FOR BEING THIN". I have to say, its looking pretty good where i'm standing these days. Love you guys! God bless!
Melanie
-101 lbs, 16 to goal