FAILURE

Ugh. I hit six months yesterday. I got my blood test results-everything looks great except my iron, which despite taking both a prenatal AND an iron supplement (and eating too much Chex cereal the day of the test) is still low. I have completely fallen into terrible old behaviors. I am self-destructing at the speed of light. I haven't gained weight, by the pure miracle of this surgery (YET) but I feel like an enormous failure/idiot. I know how hard it is to get this surgery approved. I know how blessed I am to have been given this tool to fight my obesity, and I'm aware of how many ppl will die waiting for this same blessing. Why can't I get it together? I have read this very same post from a hundred other people on the main message board and I know how disgusting and whiny it sounds. I've had no complications, I've been blessed with an easy wonderful life, and I'm managing to screw it up all on my own. How revolting. I've been playing phone tag with the counselor from the eating disorders clinic that the surgeon recommends, so I guess I'll go try calling her again. I wish I could bottle up my strength for days like this-I had days a couple of months ago where I felt literally invincible (hmmm, manic, perhaps??). And I guess I'll go dump those horrifying evil strawberry muffins with cream cheese icing into the trash (and put coffee grounds on top for good measure). Could someone please remind me what it is I'm supposed to be doing? What I'm supposed to be eating? What a "normal" day looks like for a postie? I seem to have lost my mind. *taking a huge deep breath, holding it, and letting it go* Okay. Need better self-talk. I CAN DO THIS. I HAVE done this so far. A few mistakes means that I have made bad choices, but it does not mean that I, as a person, am a failure. I AM an intelligent person, and I (somewhere inside) am capable of behaving like one. I CAN make good choices. *another deep breath* Okay. So thanks for letting me put this little braintoot out there. Sometimes I need to confess and be accountable. Hugs, Susan

How much have you lost? You may not be a failure. I am a little over 6 months out and down 96 lbs. I have a problem. Carbs and soft foods go down a lot easier. I have to force myself to eat meats and proteins and a lot of times the meats make me sick. Most days - I eat a little bit of my meat and that is it. Some days I eat carbs like Cheetos or some pretzels. The reason why I do this is because they go down much easier. For this reason I feel like a failure sometimes. You probably will never eat the amounts you used to eat. I think a lot of us post ops have this problem but only a few will admit it. Unfortunately the carbs go down a lot easier than the proteins do. I am still losing (slower) because I try to eat my proteins as much as I could but cannot do it all the time. Some of my post-op friends are going on the Stillman diet one week per month and are still losing. You may want to look up this diet on a search engine. Thanksgiving came and went - I tried to eat a little turkey and it felt really bad. I had some toast and a few cookies and they stayed down okay. I did not gain any weight and continue to lose so I am just going to keep trying. Somedays I will have a pack of Lunchables that only contain ham, cheeze and crackers. I will eat half a serving in the morning and take the other half in the evening. This gives me some protein and also has a few carbs because of the crackers but stays down okay. Thank goodness for this message board because it reinforces the behavior we need to stay on track. Hang in there -

Lisa- Thanks for the reality check. I am down to 174 from 262 at my consult and 245 day of surgery. The carbs are DEFINITELY a huge evil in my life. I fell down a very slippery slope with them leading to a sugary sticky quagmire at the bottom. I am trying to detox (one day at a time) right now. My surgeon's office recommends sticking to foods that are harder to eat but also get us full sooner and keep us full longer (i.e. meats, not crackers). I am working to get back to my better behavior. Thanks for the suggestions-I will def look up the Stillman diet. Sorry to hear the news about your doctor's office acting unprofessionally. I would DEFINITELY bring that to the attn of the state medical board as well as maybe the Better Business Bureau (for any new patient who might be checking up, this is important info). I'm glad you and your son have been so successful and I know you will continue to be, despite the idiot actions of this surgeon's office. Hugs, Susan

Susan - You asked "Could someone please remind me what it is I'm supposed to be doing? What I'm supposed to be eating? What a "normal" day looks like for a postie?" First, go back to basics. Protein first, veggies and then some complex carbs. Get in your water - 8 of 8 64 oz. Get your butt moving - walk at least a mile everyday in addition to whatever else you're doing. EVERYDAY. I still start the day with a protein shake, get my water in, and do the exercise thing. I am working on the difference between wanted something and what I allow myself. But it is my decision and mine alone. Sometimes I do great, sometimes just good, sometimes I suck at making the right decision. But, I dust myself off and try again. Usually, it's because I wasn't prepared for the situation. Normal postie days are full of temptation and challenges. You need to expand your "toolbox", and get some other tools. The WLS has been great so far, but there are others out there too. Get some help from others. The clinic sounds good. How about a group in your area? Are you ready for couseling one-on-one? I have to say, I have not seen you post in a while here. Why is that? Just curious. If you want to check out another on-line group, I can email you the information. It has people in EVERY stage of WLS are there. You're so right you can do this. Yep, you can.

John- Thanks for sharing your experience with this. It's nice to see in print (on screen anyway) exactly what I should be doing. Turns out I'm not too far from where I should be-I'm still exercising every day and I am still getting lots of water in. I have tossed out the tempting offensive carby foods and I have a week of menus planned so hopefully the protein, veg, complex carb approach will come back to me. I have an appt with the eating disorders folx in two weeks, which is a huge relief for me. The local support group only meets once a month and is too big to really get into much individual support, if that makes sense. It ends up being a big informational session, but not deep emotional stuff. I will have to see if there's a TOPS chapter around that will accept a post-op. One of the things I have noticed about weight loss is that you have to learn to waste food. Some ppl argue this point with me. I think being a clean plate club member all my life made it easy for me to gain. Sure, you want to put LESS on your plate and not waste, ideally, but you should always be willing to toss it out if it doesn't fit. Likewise, I am learning to throw away those extra muffins. If I have "bad" food in the house that is calling me to behave badly, then I MUST get rid of it. It goes to waste if I eat it, too (if it goes to fat, that is). It's not like the starving children in ___________ are somehow better off if I eat that extra serving of whatever rather than scraping it down the disposal. I am working on those new tools. Hopefully therapy will help me sort it out some. Hugs, Susan

Susan! I've been worried about you since you haven't posted for a while. Of course I imagined you were too busy being happy and skinny and just out gallivanting around. Sorry to hear that you've been so down on yourself. Now, listen: there is no failure here. Your health is great. You've lost a bunch of weight and haven't regained any of it. So far, this is not sounding like a screwup to me. OK, so you got too friendly with a strawberry muffin ... on maybe more than one occasion. And a thunderbolt didn't strike you dead, so now you're worried that you won't be able to pass up temptation ever again. But then -- wow, you stopped and realized what you were doing! And gave yourself a good talking to! Girl, you are back on track already -- congratulations! For reminders, I second John's advice: just get back to basics. My dr/nutritionist suggest going back to earlier diet stages if needed at times like this -- you know, back to all liquid, or 'soft mechanicals' or whatever your early post-op program called it. Just for a couple of days, to remind your brain what your body already knows: your pouch doesn't need much and you'll feel better with less volume (and less carbs) in your system. We've missed you and your encouraging words of cheer. Please stay in touch -- and give yourself a big hug once in a while too! Best, Donna

Donna- Thanks for the caring approach! I have, for the most part, been busy and active and happy. My parents visited and when they left I took a nosedive (hmm, as if I couldn't have seen THAT coming, lol). Thanks for the reminder on going back to earlier food stages. That is excellent advice! I've already been adding back the Fuzzy Navel protein drinks to be sure the protein is where it should be. Hugs, Susan

Susan, I posted a couple of days ago, "Pity Party at my house" I too am feeling like a failure - I don't want to unvalidate your feelings, but I know how you feel! I'm so tired of not loosing anything! I have a friend here at work that only sees me every two weeks and she sees the difference in only two weeks, but I DONT see it! So today I sabotaged myself and had 4 donught holes...I hadn't eaten a doughnut since April (one month before my surgery)...now I'm trying to flush the things out of my system with water because they're making me dizzy...see old behaviors, we all have them, and I should know better than anyone I have NO will power!!! Okay, I'm really thinking the doughnut holes were a bad idea...my head is spinning...water, water, water, flush, flush, flush... See I've learned a valuable lesson here...go put some coffee grounds on those muffins! I'm at work, and need to get back to it, but wanted to let you know I absolutely enjoy reading your post and your replies, you are so possitive and I want you to feel good! I hope this is just a thing we go through at 6 months Then we get over ourselves and get back to living Thinking of you in Kentucky, Michelle

Michelle- I was so ready to head on over for the pity party with a couple of pizzas and a 12 pack of beer but I didn't think the day after would be any better, lol. Excellent point about this being a stage we go through at 6 months. It would be nice to get some idea of what to expect emotionally of the different adjustment stages. When I moved to Vienna, Austria when I was in high school, there was a social worker (or psychologist) at the U.N. there where my dad worked who did seminars on the different stages of adjustment to living in a foreign country. It was fascinating, the things to expect at 3 months, 6 months, 9 months, a year, etc. If I have learned to expect anything on this journey, it's to EXPECT ANYTHING. I sometimes forget that sometimes getting down in the dumps (or the doughnuts) might be a normal stage, all part of the process. I just so desperately DON'T want to screw this up. Boy I wish sweets made me feel bad. I have discovered that I only experience so-called "late dumping"- that feeling of needing a nap about 2 hrs after eating sweets, due to a hypoglycemic reaction. Not much of a punishment: Eat cheesecake, get a nap. I would never have tested my dumpometer except that I was sure I WOULD dump and I was trying to beat myself up one day around Halloween. Boy was THAT a stupid idea. I think I'm one of those ppl who should have been made to have therapy BEFORE they could have surgery. There's something I plan to fix asap-I have a therapy appt in two weeks. What a relief. Feel free to email me whenever you get the urge to break out the pity party hats Hugs, Susan

Well, i know where you are comming from girls...the carb/sugar monster has got a death grip on me! It has not affected my weightloss too much, but I am sure it will if I dont get a hold on it now. I was doing great until halloween and all those little "fun size" candies. Lots of sugar makes me sick, but it seems I have found out where my limit amount is and I keep pushing it...why do we do these things to ourselves. i really think I need to go back to basics, to the beginning and restart my eating plan. I just know the bad habits that are comming back are going to be my demise!