Mama said there'd be days like this

Well, folks, I'm having a day. It happens, and things will be better tomorrow. In fact, they're already better because I just got back from the gym and I'm stoned on endorphins. My brother won custody of his 11 year old child last year, just as his ex-wife was spiriting the child off to Alaska from Arizona. His step-father, according to my nephew, had been very abusive. I won't go into details. There was no documentation (photos) to substantiate his claims, but the court looked kindly upon my brother and awarded him physical custody. The kid has been doing GREAT with my brother and sister-in-law. Or so I thought. A year and a half later, my brother surprised my mom with the news that they are sending my nephew back to Alaska THIS FRIDAY to live!!! Turns out that my sister-in-law has ALSO been abusive with my nephew. This poor kid is the sweetest, brightest, sensitive polite wonderful kid. And his life has been one rotten road. There is nothing I can do to help except accept collect calls (if his mother allows him to make any-they have no home phone, just a cell phone) and write my support. He is going from one abusive home to another. What a hopeless situation. I have been craving sweets and bad food all day. I know I'm an emotional eater, but other than the stress over my nephew, I couldn't identify why I would be this way. It's been rainy and depressing for a few days, but.... And even if it can all be explained by the feelings about my nephew, what to DO about it?? I was having insight but didn't do what I needed to to stop myself from misbehaving. I started the day with a nectar protein drink- 100 cal then I had breakfast, not bad, Atkins cereal and milk 160 cal then I forgot that I had had breakfast and made an omlet 200 cal then I got back from dropping the wee one at school and totally fell apart and made low-fat popcorn. And ate about half the bag!!! 120 cal Then I picked her up from school and went to Walmart for a fan and some cleaning products and lost any sense of control in the Russel Stovers sugarfree chocolate section at the checkout. I bought not one but TWO of these little fatbombs. And true to my old miserable self, I managed to eat them both in the same hour. 140+140=280 Then, after I got off the toilet from the wicked runs they gave me, my husband finds me all depressed, and true to HIS form, to cheer me up he takes me out to eat. So we go to Chili's, and I ordered the "guiltless grilled chicken" which is a grilled chicken breast, steamed veggies, corn on the cob, and comes with rice which I substituted black beans for. And my daughter ordered the chips and salsa. Which I ate about 6 chips of (? maybe more?), drinking water with them so's to make room for dinner, like a total pouch sabateur. Then I ate the WHOLE chicken breast, about three small slices of zucchini, 7 bites of corn, and two bites of the beans!!!!! I'm gonna be lenient with myself and call that 400 cal. That makes a whopping horrifying terrible 1260 calories for someone who is doctor-ordered to be taking in 850. That, however, isn't the biggest thing. It was the BEHAVIOR that upsets me. I can't believe I did this. I know better than to buy those stupid empty-calorie RS candies. I won't do THAT again. But today I seemed hell-bent on self-destruction. All that eating at supper was like the old me, saying f*ck you, b*tch-TAKE THAT!!! Anyway, that was earlier, and this is now. Next time I will post on the board WHILE it is happening instead of self-destructing. It's so humiliating to be this way. The good news is that it's been almost 4 months since I've felt this way, and it used to be a daily thing for me. Thanks for letting me put my crimes in writing so that I MUST be held accountable. Hugs, Susan

Susan tommrrow is another day and I am sure it will be better. At least at this time you regonize what you were doing. That in itself is a big step for all of us. I am amazed at the amount that you can eat. At the WLS support group last week here my doctor showed up and made the statement that my stomache is no bigger than a golf ball. It is so amazing how different size is from doctor to doctor. Hang in there! I promise that tommorrow is another day to make good choices! Blessings -Gerriann 4+ months post-op and over 100 pounds gone forever!

Gerriann- Thanks for your post. I too am amazed at the capacity of my pouchy. Maybe my doctor makes them bigger for people who have less weight to lose? I keep wondering if he forgot to put in the silastic band or WHAT. DH pointed out that even being a total pig yesterday amounted to less than half of what I was eating 4 months ago. Today I am making better choices and feeling better for it. Thanks for your kindness! Hugs, Susan

Hi Susan, I just wanted to say I am sorry about your nephew, that really stinks. It is so hard when bad things are going on and we have no control over it, especially when children are involved. That would trigger my emotional eating button too I think. Please don't feel humiliated, lots of us are the same as you. Just dust yourself off and get back to being good to yourself. Just letting him know you are there for him emotionally will help him. I lurk here alot, and your posts are always so inspirational. The other day you posted about being on the elliptical for an hour, and I am struggling to hang in there for 15 minutes on mine. Well, you pushed me to try harder. I'm sure you help others too. We all have off days, don't let it get you down. I will say a prayer for your family too. Regards, Anne

Anne- Thank you so much for saying that about my posts! It makes me feel incredibly good to think that I could be "paying forward" some of the inspiration I've gotten from everyone else here. Today I had my weight training class. So I went to do a warm-up before class of 10 min on the stair stepper. Then I had class, which made me SWEAT, which tells me I was doing something right. Then back to the cardio room, where I hopped up on the elliptical, tired, and optimistically set it for 45 minutes. I kept wanting to get off every 5 or so minutes, but I stayed with it and did the 45 plus the 5 min cooldown the stupid machine tacks on. I'm so proud of this part of my life right now. Keep with it-after the first half hour, the endorphins kick in and you can't feel your legs any more . Hugs, Susan

Hey Susan, Don't beat yourself up. No one is perfect all the time. At least you realized after one day. You have been doing wonderfully and I am sure you will continue to be successful. Next time you can contact me and I will try to talk you through it. E-mail me and I will give you my instant message names. Hope to talk to you soon and today will be better!!!!!!!!! Hugs, Christine

Christine- Thank you for such a generous offer! I will definitely take you up on it. I use Yahoo Messenger but no longer do MSN (I can only keep up with so much, lol). Thanks for your support! Hugs, Susan

I want to call you Susie B? Don't know why but I was thinking, "Susie B needs a big hug!" I'm sorry about your nephew...God has a special place for him, I can only pray that he will be okay. I know that sugar free candy can be deceitful! Makes you think your not really being bad...I bought some of the peanut butter minatures...luckily for me the kids got into them before I did...they did leave me three and ate them all Thanks for sharing and I hope your feeling better! Michelle

I can't understand if this child is being adused, why hasn't someone stepped in??!!?? Why can't your brother see that it's not the child it's his wife... You should tell him!!!

i agee that your brother has some soul-searching to do, ie. chosing his current wife over his child. maybe things will swing back and it will be father/son in the future; god willing.............................. i love the quote "they operated on our stomachs, not our brains." you are craving comfort foods that "help" you when you are stressed just as you always did. just put it behind you and start your next meal off correctly. i know how good those russell stover chocolates and limit myself to two per day..................... good luck, gail