Question????????? Has anyone kep this procedure a secret.

I was wondering if anyone has kept this surgey a secret? I was/am in a situation about telling my mother-in-law. I truely love her and I don't want to make her feel like she isn't important enough to tell. HOWEVER!!!, I also feel like she is not going to understand the decision I made to do this. I need some feedback. Please Reply!! Please not the mother-in-law bashing reply because she has been there for me and we have been through so much these last 16 years. I feel like I'm being dishonest.

This is a popular question on this board. Some people think you should tell any and everyone, some think you should keep it to yourself if you want. I've been able to tell total strangers and have them wish me nothing but the best, and I've told "friends" and had them tell me I was just lazy. I've even had family tell me they wish me the best, then behind my back tell other members I shouldn't be doing it. Guess what - STILL GONNA HAPPEN! It is hard to say how a person will react, even someone you've known for a long time. My suggestion is you explain it to her sort of the same way you explained it here: "(MIL's name), I have something I want to tell you, I just thought you should know..." and explain that you're having the surgery. Tell her that you've done the research on the surgery (you have, right? ), that you want to have a better, healthier life, and that you feel this is the way to do it. (And if she asks why you didn't tell her before now, I'd be honest about that too - you were afraid she wouldn't understand, so you had to think about how to approach her with it.) If she does not understand, you tell her that you respect her opinion, but YOU'RE DOING IT ANYWAY. You may love her, but if this is what you really want, PLEASE don't let her possible disapproval of it dissuade you from having the surgery. I'll be thinking about you next week. Hope the M-I-L is supportive. (And if she isn't, she'll most likely be giving you high compliments months from now when she sees how well you're doing!) Good luck, and best wishes on your surgery!

Hi Sharekia, I have kept my surgery pretty private. Only a select few are aware that I am having it and I am scheduled for mine on the 14th. I know that I am going to have consequences for my decision because people are going to be hurt because I excluded them from knowing. However, after much thought I decided that this is a very emotional decision for me. The only people that I want to know are those I am sure will be positive and supportive towards me. It is their words I want to hear ringing in my head as I drift off to sleep before my surgery begins. Although I am very excited to have this surgery and most secure with my decision, I do not wish to deal with those that find is difficult to understand why someone would make the choice to go through with gastric bypass surgery. I have decided that I will just tell those that are bothered that I did not tell them before hand that I had decided I didn't want a big deal made or to become emotional. Maybe you can have your husband tell his mother the night before or close to your surgery date and let her know it is a sensitive area for you and he can act as a buffer for you? Just remember this is about you. Take care and the best of luck. Angie

I agree with Angie. Have your husband tell her. That way he can field the questions from his mother and let you know how she feels. If she is upset then he can run interference for you. If she is pleased then you can take the call and discuss the details with her if needed. Hang in there we are almost there. Congratulations! -Gerriann surgery scheduled 5/14/04

Congratulations Sharekia, I am one of those people who pretty much told everyone from the get go what my plans were. However, my inlaws were a different story. They are all so thin and ,I think,often judgemental. I just assumed it was going to be a bad reaction. Once I had my date, I realized it would have been a bigger problem for my MIL if I had kept something so serious a secret. I called her and told her myself and to my surprise she was the MOST supportive person I'd talk to the intire time. Little did I know she's had about 3 friends/coworkers who had the surgery and she's watched them go from unhealthy to healthy and slim. She said she was very proud of me for making a decision to take control of my own life and become healthy. Sometimes we assume the worst for no reason at all. Good luck in what ever decision you make. Christie

You know, I also waited until last week to tell my mother in law. Honestly, since she is big herself and very depressed because of it I had been very concerned about the whole situation and her reaction to watching me get smaller and healthier. I basically told her this: I have something I want to tell you about. On the 17th of this month I am having surgery... a gastric bypass. I am sorry I haven't told you sooner but I wanted to make sure that I had insurance approval and everything really was moving forward before I worried anybody. I have been researching this surgery for a year and have talked to literally hundreds of people who have had it done. I also talked to several surgeons and had to have the okay from my primary care doctor before I decided that this was the way for me to go. She then told me that she had a few friends who had it done in the last 15 years or so and she had even considered it but she did not see it as worth the risk. I told her that they have made great advances in this surgery to make it safer and more effective for the long term. She asked some questions about my motivations to have it done... like asking if it was just to look better, and why I would have elective surgery to just look better. I told her that looking better was the least of my motivators... that I wanted to not be in pain and to be healthy and live longer. She then said that I was an adult and it was my decision but added for us to call and let everyone know when I was out of surgery and that it went okay. Allin all a lot less painful then I expected.

Well I had the same problem, I did end up telling my mother in law and father in law, and they don't like the idea of it and are freaked out about the risks, and my father in law keeps telling me he hopes something happens so I can't have the surgery...But no matter what they say, nothing is going to stop me from doing what I want to do and need to do...I just let them speak and I listen and don't say too much...Sooner or Later they will find out, its up to you as to when...Good Luck, Dona Moore

I have kept this procedure a secret from some people. It is a VERY personal decision that we have made to have this surgery and it is a VERY personal surgery. You have every right to pick and choose who you tell. There are very few people that I have told. Probably about 15 total. (If even that!) and some of those people have been thrilled for me and 100% supportive and some have not been too happy about my decision to have this surgery. After talking to these few and explaining that I won't be around too much longer if I don't have this surgery, has helped. Explain to them as much as you can about it... but no more than you are comfortable with. Remember this decision is about you!! About your body and about your life!!!! If they love you, they will respect your decision and will respect you! People are either going to disagree or agree with your decision. That is their choice... You've made the right choice to have the surgery and it's up to you who you want to know about it. Just remember, that everyone is entitled to their own opinions... but it's YOURS that matters in this!!! Be strong... keep the faith... and know that no matter what, you are doing this for you, not for anyone else!

Sharekia, yes there are some people I have not told and some people I have kept it a secret from. Some people I work with, I am friendly with but not friends with - know the type? I don't consider keeping it a secret from them - just didn't tell them. And then there is my brother. Yes, I did keep it secret from him. And I will do so until I am at least 3 weeks post op. Right now I am 1 week post op and doing fine. Maybe I am not the usual case, but my brother would be the kind who one of two ways: worse case: totally unaccepting and who needs that or best case: he whould insist on helping in my recovery - and making things worse - who needs that either?

Thank all ofor yur replies. They have been very useful and polite. Thank you once again. Best Wishes to all of you on your upcoming/recent surgery. please have a speedy recovery!!