HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP

HELP...I am falling.  I had RNY in april 2007, highest weight 263, lowest 167.5 in Dec 2008. 

I was a smoker before my surgery, quit 1 year before in 2006, (during that quit year I gained 40 lbs in the first 2 months). started smoking again Sept 2007, so approx 5 most after surgery. 

I continued to loose weight, even though I was basically eating anything I wanted, just small portions, I did initially use alot of protein, but fell off that wagon after just plain getting sick of it.

I am currenlty 1 year and 10 mos. post op, I had lost 95.5 lbs, I have quit smoking again, Dec 10th 2008 was my last cigg, 2 Mos ago, (I know smoking is bad, especially w/a smaller stomach, my surgeon warned me, it is just a very bad habit, and like other habits can return at any time, once a smoker always a smoker, too bad they dont really have SA meetings, it's as bad as alcholism, I swear, I miss smoking everyday and am constantly tempted).

NOW, I am gaining weight, I have gained 8 lbs, and my desire for food seems insatiable, I think about food, I dream about food, I imagine food in my mouth, the texture, the smell etc.... I have stopped exercising and am blaming the cold weather and the slow economy on my lack of exercise, (cant afford gym membership right now, used to walk outside in summer mos.) I am getting depressed and fearful, and I am seriously thinking of smoking again!!  Smoking helped me not eat, gave me something to do with my hands, my mouth and my mind, but I hated that i was once again a slave to the "crave"....and smoking is so gross!  But so is being obese, its gross and I hated myself so much back then at 263lbs. 

WHAT DO I DO, I am loosing my mind, I cannot focus, I cannot decide how I am going to stop this monster, smoking -vs- food ADDICTION.  I dont eat large amounts of food at a time, but I know I have stretched my pouch cause I can eat more than I used to, I eat all day (graze) and with my addiction to food becoming monsterous once again, I am eating for taste/texture, not hunger., and it give me something to do, a way to deal w/stress at work, and lonliness and boredom at home)  I eat all the wrong things, but I am sick of nuts, and fruit and beef jereky...I am sick of eggs and cheese sticks, celery and carrots...I am just burned out...I am so sorry to be so negative, I am just tired, nicotine deprived and disquisted w/myself for being such an obsessive compulsive person, I feel like the eating is something  I cannot control anymore, it is controling me...giving up nicotine has turned me into a manic in more ways than one. 

Any of you out there who have been here?  I know, take control, if its gonna be, its up to me...up until I quit smoking, I was able to eat anything I wanted, in moderation, and I did not want everything in the way I do now... but I could do it and continue to loose weight, some days the more I ate, the more weight I would loose, but now w/not smoking, my body is hanging onto every carlorie like it gonna be the last, quitting smoking has changed everything, and not for the better....why is this so hard? and how can I control this food addiction?  I am on the edge and need your advise? Thanks so much for just listening....
Kimbo

Is there are support group you have access too? Either thru your program, Overeaters Anonymous, etc. Yes, you are addicted. You have an addictive personality so it will keep trying ways to get you to eat or smoke.
I think you are going to have to go back to basics. Get your food figured out for the day ahead of time so you take the choice out of it when you are hungry or in a food fit.
Get back on the protein, it really helps. Tired of what you liked before, try new ones. Taste fatigue continues to plague me also.
You need to get out of the reaction mode to these urges. Get into a proactive mode. As you start to make better choices, you will start to feel better and it will get the ball running back in your favor.
This is never going to be easy but we are here to help or give you a kick when you need it.

Thank you for your support, I fully agree with what you said about being proactive, and I am going to take that and run with it. .. I have been to OA meetings and for me, they just did not work, I need a more interactive approach, a  back and forth conversation, rather than just taking about myself and my addictions, the people in the group I tried were so monotone and sad, and unhappy...I felt burdened and sad when I came out of the meeting.  I also have the support group at the hospital where my surgery was performed....its not that good for me persoally either, they pick a topic each week, for example, plastic surgery, and they stick to that subject, everyone is so interested in talking about themselves, one or two people will tal****il the entire group time is over....so not something helpful to me either....but I am going to go back and try if a few more times to see if it can get better.  I need that support, I need to be in a gym, I need to learn to control myself and my addictions, I do have good days,  but since I quit smoking, the good days are hard to find, funny because when i smoked all I could think of was how much i wish I didn't and how it restricted me from enjoying so many things in life....now all I can think about is how much I miss it....I have to find other things to fill up the space of the addictions, and I am looking. 
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU for taking the time to respond and to listen, and I wish you continued success in your own walk.
God bless

A group can be as small as two if you can find someone else to share with. I know that I have a really close WLS relationship with Cheri from this board. Somehow, sharing with her helps me more than anything.
Beleive it or not, I have been watching "Sober House" on VH1. While it can be extreme, what is has shown me is how the addiction plays with you and finds ways to get you to give in. The comments you were making  sounded so much like the addiction and not the true you.
Breaking the cycle you are in by being proactive should help. It sometimes feels like we are in a downward spiral that has a hold of us and will not turn loose. Just changing things up can be enough. When I make good choices, I start to feel better about myself and then that makes making the right choice a little easier the next time.
Hang in there! If you ever need help-you can always message me-I am here.

I know it seems like u r slipping but u have to really pat your self on the back as before the surgery you  had no control and was out of control but right now u r seeing your self slipping and u r doing  something right reaching out,  We all have a food addictive problem, Most of us have a addictive personality. I know I do.I even went to OA and did go threw the steps and was helpful. I went to exercise to be my new addictive drugif u will. It was what i needed to be healthy but what we have to really to beaware is what we call transfer addiction, I was so blessed to go to a OH seminar and one of the key note speaker was talking about tranfer addiction and how it comes to be. Very common for someone like your us to go to alcohol or cigs  when we give up food. In the book store their is some good books on tranfer addiction that might be helpful and  shed some light on the subject. I come here and write instead of food, We are here for you
Lisa

Thank you Lisa, and all, I have heard of transfer addiction...and truthfully I never saw myself as an addict in my entire life, until now....I always thought addicts were people who did drugs, but not me, just because I smoked and over-ate....those were not addictions.  Man, who was I fooling....!!  Anyway, I wish I could choose my new addiction, I would choose exercise, I hate it... I hate to sweat! lol.....does not seem that I want healthy addictions in my life, only destructive ones....least that has been my experience up to now.  You are all a true inspiration to me, and I know we have all been thru similar experiences w/our weight and our surgeries... thank you all, and condgats on your accomplishments and successes.  Keep up the good fight!

kim

I know what your going through!! You need to work on your protein. I stopped my protein shakes and I started drinking alot! I transfered addictions to alcohol and I had a tummy tuck with almost 30 pounds of skin removed and yet i gained 6 pounds. I was so lost and flustered and I realized the alcohol I was drinking a bottle a weekend with a gallon of crystal light and before that it was pineapple juice. I was drinking 2 pounds worth of liquid a week end . well Realized what I did and went back to drinking my protein shakes making sure I took my medicine everyday and vitamins and I have lost 4 of the 6 pounds so far. I also go to school so I took gym class this semester so I have to exercise or I will fail the class. You can do it the biggest obstacle is realizing you are out of control and finding your way back on track. I use syntrax cappuccino protein and I drink it in the morning with coffee and skim or 1% milk it helps me get my protein in and I don't seem to crave as much sweets the rest of the day. Also make sure you are getting your water in. how about try when that crave for a smoke comes try drinking a glass of water. Eventually you will be drinking so much water when the crave comes your body will think thats what your suppose to do. I use to be a smoker and i know what you mean about the craving sometimes when I would drink I would have a smoke but the whole time I was saying this is so gross and oh look at me I am SO cool and then I just convinced myself it sucked and now I don't d it at all.
The best thing you did is come here we are all struggling and this is an awesome place to vent and believe me and Lisa we vent here often!!