Living in hell My melt down warning pretty bad
I supposely live with a good man but days like today I JUST WANT SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OUT OF MY MARRIAGE, He just screams and becomes belittleing and maybe I do deserve some of it I just can't take it when he just screams yells and cuts me down, I swear he is manic depressant and I even try telling him this he goes off the deep end and tells me I am the problem I had "DID"
I think we both r two different people now and think differently,I am in self distructive mode right now, NOT IN A GOOD PLACE
I have hit major depression and I just feel like running away from him the kids and even tho these are normal feelings for most PEOPLE but seems these are thoughs and actions I am driving towards,Due to health and economic religious reasons I stay.I feel sooooooooooooooooo trapped, I want to scream when I attend church I cannot identify with most people insignicate stuff,
I am mormon and all our faith serves around family centered life I just want out of this life, I feel like such a bad mother.I cannot talk to our bishop or anyone as most live with their head in sand and ignore and pretend I suppose I have real time issues not small little issues, I still have a autistic son in morning still have severly handicapped daughter in morning or a daughter that still mourmns the loss of her 12 month old daughter that died in her sleep, in morning Still have ADHD son in morning,Never goes away, I am in this support group for mother with brain damaged children and I think all of us are just crazy
AS A MORMON WOMAN SO MUCH PRESSURE CAN BE PUT ON US, I am not cutting down people who members of the church but so much is expected of us, Divorce is not really a option for we beleive in eternal marriage, I will not go to councelor for this as most do not get my faith and understand my werid way of thinking,
Right now I just want to binge on food , Mormons do not drink smoke, man if i did I would be drinking something,I beleive in my faith but my views are so different , I think with me losing my twin daughter then having a daughter born with cystic fibrosis and then my other daughter losing our grnadchild katie and having autistic kids and now my daughter had a stroke I just don't identify with most people, Stupid people tell me God will never give you more than u can bear with and I say under my breath oh yeah then why do we have suicide then? Sunday I wanted to choke the sister that got up and said oh when I having a bad day with my hubby I pick up my scriptures and read and I feel so much better and here I am thinking I would pick up my scriptures and would hit hubby with them. I am such a f$%King mess,I so want to pick a razor blade and cut my self and make me feel so much better,I want food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want my old friend food to console me right now dammit I cannot do it as I would just vomit it, I am so lost,, I feel like I am going crazy, I just want out of this hell!!!!!!!!!!!
L
I think we both r two different people now and think differently,I am in self distructive mode right now, NOT IN A GOOD PLACE
I have hit major depression and I just feel like running away from him the kids and even tho these are normal feelings for most PEOPLE but seems these are thoughs and actions I am driving towards,Due to health and economic religious reasons I stay.I feel sooooooooooooooooo trapped, I want to scream when I attend church I cannot identify with most people insignicate stuff,
I am mormon and all our faith serves around family centered life I just want out of this life, I feel like such a bad mother.I cannot talk to our bishop or anyone as most live with their head in sand and ignore and pretend I suppose I have real time issues not small little issues, I still have a autistic son in morning still have severly handicapped daughter in morning or a daughter that still mourmns the loss of her 12 month old daughter that died in her sleep, in morning Still have ADHD son in morning,Never goes away, I am in this support group for mother with brain damaged children and I think all of us are just crazy
AS A MORMON WOMAN SO MUCH PRESSURE CAN BE PUT ON US, I am not cutting down people who members of the church but so much is expected of us, Divorce is not really a option for we beleive in eternal marriage, I will not go to councelor for this as most do not get my faith and understand my werid way of thinking,
Right now I just want to binge on food , Mormons do not drink smoke, man if i did I would be drinking something,I beleive in my faith but my views are so different , I think with me losing my twin daughter then having a daughter born with cystic fibrosis and then my other daughter losing our grnadchild katie and having autistic kids and now my daughter had a stroke I just don't identify with most people, Stupid people tell me God will never give you more than u can bear with and I say under my breath oh yeah then why do we have suicide then? Sunday I wanted to choke the sister that got up and said oh when I having a bad day with my hubby I pick up my scriptures and read and I feel so much better and here I am thinking I would pick up my scriptures and would hit hubby with them. I am such a f$%King mess,I so want to pick a razor blade and cut my self and make me feel so much better,I want food!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want my old friend food to console me right now dammit I cannot do it as I would just vomit it, I am so lost,, I feel like I am going crazy, I just want out of this hell!!!!!!!!!!!
L
Ty jodi
For some great words of wisdom, I do feel so out of balance since I had surgery, I really do, What was so werid was last time I had anathesia I woke up very wired I did not sleep for almost 30 hours post surgery, I was like don't touch me, The sounds were driving me nuts lights etc, I do feel so off balance at times, Trust me if I could admit my self to mental hosptial I would but I have really no one that will beable to take care of 19 year old that had the stroke long term right now. I am the only one that can help her bathe get dressed and then take her round trips to therpy which takes 2 hours a day to drive her to where she gets her rehabI been trying to get what they call get a lift which serves handicapp transpertation and they are a mess and getting then scheduled is a nightmarebut I am trying ,I really don't have close friends and family that live locally, I do have a close friend who has been a rock in my life but she is having major surgery soon, I need to be there for her,
Last night I ended up taking off to the local bookstore to find some peace for a few hours but my mind was racing but I did get out, I had a very dear friend call me last night (lives out of town), Still has been here everyday in my life for a year and still loves me and cares for me and under stand DID, He Had a best friend that had it before, I woke up this morning wondering who am I?
I was a cutter for years and years of extensive therpy and mental ward visit has help me not reach for razor blades but last night was first night I felt like cutting my self in long time.I ended up going to starbuck and ordering carmel apple cider with whip cream and just drank it down I don't even want to how many calories was in that drink last night.Then I went to go get a pastry and ate part of it down, This am I have eating remorse somewhat but now I am craving some more carmel apple cider, Oh the cycle is begins. Sound familar to anyone?I woke up to new day and still same problem but I have the house keeper comming in and trying to hold on her as long as I can. afford it. I really need her right now my house is a mess from me not able due to depression and recovery from surgery and trust me I am not having much luck with kids as they are extremly busy with school sports youth activities scotts yada yada.
She just resets my clock and she is my mircle worker.I feel so weak and a real mess but I am so thankful to my friend last night he was a answer to my prayers.He told me he lost his best friend to Disassoccation identity disorder (commited suicide) and he is not gonna lose me as a friend. To him I am Lisa not some crazy lady with just alter egos like sybil the movie or 3 faces of eve. Oh yeah now they have a show called united states of tara on showtime TV. So great people are gonna think I am her grrrrrrrrrrrrrr like I have to go back in hiding with the disorder. SOMETIMES I FEEL SO ALONE WITH THIS DISORDER, Feel like if I had a drug or drinking problem I could go to a AAA meeting or something like that? Where do I go when I am cycling? Thanks everyone for the awesome private messages. Comming here I don't feel alone. I feel loved
Lisa
For some great words of wisdom, I do feel so out of balance since I had surgery, I really do, What was so werid was last time I had anathesia I woke up very wired I did not sleep for almost 30 hours post surgery, I was like don't touch me, The sounds were driving me nuts lights etc, I do feel so off balance at times, Trust me if I could admit my self to mental hosptial I would but I have really no one that will beable to take care of 19 year old that had the stroke long term right now. I am the only one that can help her bathe get dressed and then take her round trips to therpy which takes 2 hours a day to drive her to where she gets her rehabI been trying to get what they call get a lift which serves handicapp transpertation and they are a mess and getting then scheduled is a nightmarebut I am trying ,I really don't have close friends and family that live locally, I do have a close friend who has been a rock in my life but she is having major surgery soon, I need to be there for her,
Last night I ended up taking off to the local bookstore to find some peace for a few hours but my mind was racing but I did get out, I had a very dear friend call me last night (lives out of town), Still has been here everyday in my life for a year and still loves me and cares for me and under stand DID, He Had a best friend that had it before, I woke up this morning wondering who am I?
I was a cutter for years and years of extensive therpy and mental ward visit has help me not reach for razor blades but last night was first night I felt like cutting my self in long time.I ended up going to starbuck and ordering carmel apple cider with whip cream and just drank it down I don't even want to how many calories was in that drink last night.Then I went to go get a pastry and ate part of it down, This am I have eating remorse somewhat but now I am craving some more carmel apple cider, Oh the cycle is begins. Sound familar to anyone?I woke up to new day and still same problem but I have the house keeper comming in and trying to hold on her as long as I can. afford it. I really need her right now my house is a mess from me not able due to depression and recovery from surgery and trust me I am not having much luck with kids as they are extremly busy with school sports youth activities scotts yada yada.
She just resets my clock and she is my mircle worker.I feel so weak and a real mess but I am so thankful to my friend last night he was a answer to my prayers.He told me he lost his best friend to Disassoccation identity disorder (commited suicide) and he is not gonna lose me as a friend. To him I am Lisa not some crazy lady with just alter egos like sybil the movie or 3 faces of eve. Oh yeah now they have a show called united states of tara on showtime TV. So great people are gonna think I am her grrrrrrrrrrrrrr like I have to go back in hiding with the disorder. SOMETIMES I FEEL SO ALONE WITH THIS DISORDER, Feel like if I had a drug or drinking problem I could go to a AAA meeting or something like that? Where do I go when I am cycling? Thanks everyone for the awesome private messages. Comming here I don't feel alone. I feel loved
Lisa
If your husband is belittling or abusing you mentally or physically – do not wait for your church to help you or advise you. If there is a loving God out there – I don’t think that a loving God would insist that you suffer quietly at the hands of someone who torments you because other human beings think it’s the “way to live". Don’t let other humans dictate how you should live your life. You need to tell your husband point-blank that you will not accept his BS any longer. If you are too afraid to be direct with him due to possibility of physical retaliation, I would honestly look for safe haven then. Life is too short to accept crap treatment from other people – I don’t care who they are. When you decided to shed all of this weight with a procedure that could risk your life – you decided to take a CHANCE. Again, you are in a similar situation where you are at a crossroads and have to take another CHANCE. You need to share your feelings with the people in your life – at the risk that they won’t like what you have to say. They may not want anything to do with you anymore if you share your true feelings. Either way, you have to vent this pressure that is building up. If you don’t let out your frustration and anger and learn to express what you are feeling, you are going to do physical damage to yourself.
Losing this much weight changes people emotionally. We didn’t put up with our bodies - our bodies were ruining our lives. Now that our bodies are no longer a challenge – guess what? Our lives are still a challenge. We need to approach our lives with the same amount of vigor and bravery. Religion and beliefs aside – do not settle for crap treatment. You can have faith in God and serve God without being a doormat for everyone to wipe their feet on.
Susan
I do feel like the doormat, I sometimes feel i just woke up thin and do not even know who this person is in the mirror anymore one second I see a slender female and next i see this old hag warn and tattered grey haired woman with deep linesand alot of pain, I admit I am a very vain person, I am not taking aging gracefully. I am a extreme perfectionist and nothing second rate is acceptiable to me. I have to be the best and weight was a area I had not gain control of it was controling me.
U were so right on with change with weight loss. I did talk to my hubby this afternoon on phone(safer to do) I said I do not know if you .are gonna be happy mood or angry moodwhen u walk threw the door . I said if u don't think of how u effect me you have to think of your children and how they must feel.His family he grew up was with screaming yelling at the dinner table was normal . I grew up in a very quiet military style atmosphere.I just freak when he starts to yell. My hubby suffered a brain injury (car landed on his head) He came from this mild mannered person to his father mean SOB almost like he is bi polar. I miss the old him. I have mixed feeling. I had such a amazing marriage but now I live with a man that I hardly even know anymore, I told him in convrsation u need coping skills to deal with stress and u never had to have them tell now, I said u need to make us a priority in your life but right now part of me is no here emotionally. I want out. Just not sure How i want "out " that scares me.
L
I do feel like the doormat, I sometimes feel i just woke up thin and do not even know who this person is in the mirror anymore one second I see a slender female and next i see this old hag warn and tattered grey haired woman with deep linesand alot of pain, I admit I am a very vain person, I am not taking aging gracefully. I am a extreme perfectionist and nothing second rate is acceptiable to me. I have to be the best and weight was a area I had not gain control of it was controling me.
U were so right on with change with weight loss. I did talk to my hubby this afternoon on phone(safer to do) I said I do not know if you .are gonna be happy mood or angry moodwhen u walk threw the door . I said if u don't think of how u effect me you have to think of your children and how they must feel.His family he grew up was with screaming yelling at the dinner table was normal . I grew up in a very quiet military style atmosphere.I just freak when he starts to yell. My hubby suffered a brain injury (car landed on his head) He came from this mild mannered person to his father mean SOB almost like he is bi polar. I miss the old him. I have mixed feeling. I had such a amazing marriage but now I live with a man that I hardly even know anymore, I told him in convrsation u need coping skills to deal with stress and u never had to have them tell now, I said u need to make us a priority in your life but right now part of me is no here emotionally. I want out. Just not sure How i want "out " that scares me.
L
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