It's Inky

Hi Everyone,

First off, apolgies for disappearing.  There are so many reasons, and I'll try to state the obvious ones without being a total bummer.  But I am really sorry, more than you know, for bailing out on OH and my April 2007 friends.  Thank you to Shar for checking up on me.  It was her search that really has stuck in my mind of late and that's why I am back here.

I hope all of you are well and happy and successful.  I will try to catch up on what I've missed over time.

I basically got overwhelmed with losing weight.  Sounds weird, or maybe it doesn't.  I got tired of thinking about food.  In the past months I have held my own, dropping down to 186.5 in August, but now holding steady for many weeks around 188 (where I was in July 2008).  I was up to 190 over the holidays, and now am back on track.  I really desperately want to get rid of another 33 pounds.  With all that said, I learned a great deal about maintenance and am just happy I haven't relearned too many bad habits.  Carbs are not my friend, and using sparkpeople again starting today is my daily goal.  We'll work on the rest later.

I've become really sendentary again, though hubby and I did take swing dance lessons this year and we go dancing at least once a month, more often when there is time.  I am healthy, having battled a few minor hassles like a massive ear infection, a lump (benign) removed from my back near my neck on the left side, and still dealing with the frozen shoulder issues for a year now, though some movement is recovered, but I don't think it'll ever be the same and I do not want surgery.  I am mostly battling some hormonal problems that are causing me to not feel "right."  Not depressed, but certainly not myself, and that's really affecting my feelings about wieght.  I feel like a failure, even though I can rationalize the huge success of losing 134 and keeping it off.  But I feel like I can see a horizon of failure looming and I want to overcome this.  I am seeing my doc and we are trying some hormon replacment to see if this helps.  If not, it's off to the shrink y for this inky!

So, here I am, hopefully to be more regular in visits.  I wish you all well and Happy New Year!

Inky sooooooooooooooooooo good to see you,, I can really understand sometimes u need to run away from weight loss issues, I think I hit a 5 month no weight loss and bam 20 lbs came off in 2 weeks,I think for me it is a hormonal shift and readjustment . I had a tummy tuck and you would think I should be on top of the world etc Nope hitting major depression and I truely think it is because I lost like 30 lbs  so fast that my mind and body is trying to adjust. I want comfort food and all the trimmings that go with it but I cannot binge like I love 2 due to the lap band will not let me but oh man if i had not had this band in place i would be over 200 lbs I am sure, I am not exercising due to surgery and figured I need to just rest at 169 to 171 range and not worry about losing or gaining I just need to work threw this mental depression and my newly diagnosis of spinal stenosis.
Inky you are not a failure u just needed time for your self and you needed to take care of Inky first,
Remember how slow I was and so far behind everyone in weight loss and I would never lose and everyone was losing  but not me I just stay on platues for months on ends but now look at me I broke the 170 barrier. It will happen inky just right now u r stalled for a bit but something is happening to your body. Keep with the program and back to basics and it will drop one day as long as you are on the program  you will lose, If u fell off the wagon then hop on it again and u will start to lose before you know it the scale will be moving
U made my day Inky ty ty for showing up. I really have missed you soooooooooooooo much, U r one of my mentors
Lisa 

Lisa, thank  you so much for the warm welcome back!  A tummy tuck, girl, i have missed so much.  I hope you are feeling well and I can't wait to read all about it.  

You really are an inspiration to stop feeling sorry for myself and stick to it.  I know how hard it was for you when the weight was dropping off everyone and you were stuck in plateaus - now look at you!!  I am so proud of your accomplishments (and yes, even of my own, haha).

I can't wait to participate more here, I really have missed it.

It is so very nice to have you back. you have been deeply missed.....and loved. We are all battling the war together. It's not easy, but we are learning to deal with it. Failure?? NOT US!!!! I was told I would lose 75% of my excess weight. And that is exactly what I have done. Am I happy about it? Yes and no. My original goal was 199. Now I want 150. Will I ever get there? I seriously doubt that I will. But I am happy that I have learned to maintain for mNy months. Thatin itself is success. So my dear friend. come be with us whenever you can. You belong with us and we will always be here for you.

Shar

Shar, I can really relate to you, I tihnk we both think the same way.  Thank you for trying so hard to find me and for being that little bug in my ear to come back to the fold.  I do appreciate it so much.  

I know in my logical self I have not failed, nor has my RNY failed me (believe me, the grumpy tummy still rears it's ugly head from time to time to remind me all is not well in tiny tummy land).  I mean for us to even maintain for months and months is amazing, isn't it?  When did I not fluctuate 10 or 20 or god knows how many more pounds a month before - or worse yet, just keep going up and up and up.  So i know it's good, but it's not ENOUGH good and that's the part to work on now.

The journey never ends, that's for sure!

I  know exactly what you have been feeling as far as the possibility of failure looming over the horizon / fear, etc.   The thought of having a bmi within the "normal" range seems realistic but still so far out of my reach.  Once this baby is here in April I have decided to give it everything I have.  We have to really buckle down and commit to optimism  -  I think it can happen. 

I am glad you can relate Susan.  It was silly of me to think "i was the only one feeling this."  I probably wasted more time feeling sorry for myself, etc, than I care to admit.  But maybe that' sa part of this whole process?  We don't know what "normal" is supposed to feel like....maybe this is it? Sometimes I wish I had friends that have always been thin, to see what they think/feel.

And wha't s this, a baby for you!! Congrats and I hope you are feeling and doing well!

I am too guilty of leaving and some of the same reasons and some of my own but you know what you are back and it will be ok. You are not a failure, You are human. and you have come a long way like many of us. Well just know that we are here for you in any way we are needed

Being at goal weight does not stop the feeling that I am a failure also. Maybe it is just the wintertime blues??? Very tough month for me. As you can probably tell, I have not been my upbeat self.
That is why I keep saying this is a lifelong journey. Losing weight is only part of it.

That's actually really an interesting thing that being at goal doesn't stop the "failure" feeling.  What do you feel you have failed at regarding the loss?  Do you mourn the wasted time being fat - I sure do.  Silly but I do.

You aren't kidding when you say this is life long, like i said in another reply, we don't know what "normal" is and I suspect i will spend the remainder of my years wondering and searching for a normal feeling in my own body.  

I hope you feel better soon - the winter doldrums really can add to the stress!!