When u see me I will not look like i have been ......
Warning this is not easy to write but feel I need to get this off my gut once and for all.
I have been battling and struggling with weigh loss Demend and why I allowed my self to be 295. I have this pic of catherine zeta-jones and to me she is a beautiful woman I look to her pic and wish someday to become that beautiful woman AGAIN
I deal with what is called self mutalation or known as a cutter and threw thepy I am a recovered cutter I have had so many emotions going threw my head it is there that lays why I got to be 295 lbs.. People do not get to be that weight because they love food that much they get that way for a reason.
I remember walking in late to psychologist class in college and as I was struggling my fat butt into that seat the instructor was telling us why most women were morbid obese. "The cause"
It was like I was the poster child for the cause and it was that day the shame label came to light.
I will never forget the words he uttered as I was struggling to sit down MY FAT BUTT DOWN "because they had been molested or raped as a child" their it was I should have just got up and took a bow.
He went on to tell us that weight is like a armor a defence and you know he was 100% right. The stigma and pain was there for everyone to see. I was a label and a statistic
Dec 8th is a huge day for me as it will take cut away pain from my past
Was a Cold jan night When I was 15 tiny and so pretty and beautiful I was walking back from High school I had forgotten my Math book in my locker and it was short distance from home threw the park and back was my stupid mistake. I was dragged and held at knife point and repeatedly stabbed and raped and left for dead. My lower belly has marks of that horrid night and when I went in to see the doc about my tummy tuck he told me he will be able to cut all all the stab wounds and he had a tear in his eyes. U cannot miss the stab wounds
I also have a huge appendectomy scar another failure story that will go aswell.
I know it will not erase the past but when I look in that mirror and do not see a stab wounds or a appendectomy scar there it will be serreal. No more docs asking what happened here as they exam me. Like a unwanted tatoo saying raped and stabbed here. I will honor the long scar that will be left and be a mark of a job well done, My tackless hubby tells me can't wait tell they cut out the horrid looking scars and in my head I am horrid looking. I mean it is horrid looking and hubby is right in some respect
I was raped because this man hated beautiful women and had been rejected by beautiful women and He told I was paying for their sins/ of rejection and I was "his" atoning sacrafice. he was gonna make me ugly. Took me years of therpy to get past that night yet alone his creepy words
I am so afraid to be beautiful on outside but dammit I am not gonna let him win and I want to stand before that mirror and tell my self I am beautiful on outside as well as the inside. I have to believe this or I will not win this battle with self mutalation self torture.I will gain weight back I am good enough.God made me beautiful.
Learning to love yourself is so hard to crasp for me
Alot of my life I have felt like I was lemon in a world of oranges. I felt as a freck of nature. I want to be the lady in red as that song goes.
My doc told me I have done a amazing job with weight loss and said once we get this belly off you u will see the tiny you u have become. He told me u really are tiny and this belly is hiding the real you, I sometimes think he is more excited then me to get this skin off of me. I will NOT donate my skin as to me I want his handy work to BURN
I will win.. his work will burn.
Anyone want to reveal why they got fat? this feels soooooooooooooo good Omg very liberating. Catherine zeta jones stand down here I come LOL
Lisa
You are such a beautiful wonderful women! I was in tears reading your story!
OK here goes
There are many things that contributed to my weight beside the love of food.
When I was 4 I set my dress on fire while I was wearing it and burnt myself at the time it was 80% of my body.
I slipped into a coma when the Dr thought I had bronchitis when I actually had an acute asthma attack. The meds they gave me scarred my lungs and I took predizone 4 times a day for 6 years. That gave me a huge hunger.
When I was 2 my dad told my mom to give me up for adoption because I had brown hair, So she kicked him out and started the divorcee.
When I was 6 my dad picked us up for a visit and drove me my sister and brother to a children's home. I remember crying. This was the first place I remember being molested by another kid at the home who was in high school.
I finally started to come to grasp and stop hating my father at about 20 I lost the extra weight I had my whole life I was finally happy. I met my husband and we started dating I found out I was preg and that started my intense depression and eating. I know this will sound bad and I don't feel this way now but I never wanted kids. I didn't think I could have kids. I was devastated when I found out I was preg because I knew there was no way I could love anyone or be a good mother.
I was wrong I love being a parent and the weight was starting to come off slowly and then bam my son was different. I knew something was wrong but no one believed me I always got he is a boy and boys are different. Well after 3 years of fighting I was right my son was diagnosed with autism. I believed it was my fault and welcome back food. I gained and gained.
I now believe my son did get his autism for his immunizations because he had thermasil in one of his shots and he regressed.
Ok I wrote enough and I do feel better lol
dee
Seems u were no acception I am sorry u had to live threw hell but at least you are being a wonderful mom something I am failing so bad it
I remember mom finding out my dad was cheating and she was so angry and not thinking str8 and as she drove off a bridge to try killing all of us by some mircle we all survived and mom ended up in mental ward and has since recovered but she was my role model of how a mother should be. HAHA
I am with you and the immunizations 100%
I know having child with autism is very painful as i raise 2 of them and that alone could casue anyone to eat to be 295 lbs I doubt my mother hood and like you I never wanted children and when i found out i was pregant with twins I was in shocked and to end up losing them at birth was devistating to say the least was like God was punishing me for my selfishness and I ended up have 7 more kids to make up for not wanting children I suppose. Somedays I don;t feel like being a mother. Today is no acception on not wanting to deal with kids.I truely beleive to this day I am a horrible mom.
Infact I am on strike for one week and I am not gonna cook clean or buy food and they all can just starve. I have food Storage so they r not gonna truely starve just that all of them who by the way are moslty adult children.I will give he yougest money for lunch at school. I got powered milk and cereal so they got to dig in freezer and fix stuff just not the easy stuff but i do have a what grinder, I will feed the 10 year old but 13 on ward can fin for them selves
I can eat beans and be fine. My hubby is not behind me but u know when they all complain what i cook they can figure out themselves or ask their dad to go to store. their are his problem this week I am fed up with all of them. Am i the only mom that feels this way?
I admire your wonderful mothers. I have no patience for any of them this week
Thanks for sharing Dee
Lisa
Motherhood is probably the most rewarding and the hardest job in the world. as a single mom, there have been many times I wanted to run away. My daughter was an absolute delight as a baby, toddler, young child. Now that she is a teenager .........I want to kill myself. (not really). I always felt the total burden of raising a child, but also revelled in it. My daughter was, and still is, the most important thing in my life. I doted on her and worked so hard in order to send her to private schools, give her the best I could There was never anyone else around who I could say "here, take the kid, I need a break." But we do what we have to do. I love my daughter more than anything in the world. However, I am not sure if I will survive the teenage years. I hear girls are worse than boys. I am very thankful, at least, that she is a good girl. That is so important and I only pray that continues. But, there are many days that I, too, want to go on strike, I also find myself r"running away from home" when it gets stressful. Gee, I always thought it was the kid who was supposed to run away. I am trying to learn to take care of myself.I hope you are doing the same.
Shar
I wanted to thank you Dee for sharing your story too.
I feel honored that you would post it for us to read.
We are all growing and changing.
I had a horrible childhood as well, but I might right about it another time. T
his kind of stuff you have to wait until your "in the mood" to talk about.
I also have a child with Autism.
But I wanted to tell you that he was NEVER immunized.
I'm not saying that immunizations don't effect autism, but I do think it can make it worse.
I can't imagine the problems I might have had if we did immunize.
I'm so glad I read up on it before hand.
Everyone commented on Lisa's testimony, and rightly so,
but I wanted you to know that yours is equally inspiring as well.
Thanks again for sharing!
Shakeira
HW/SW/CW/GW
335 /312/250/180
Thanks so much ! Yes I do belive there are many different ways children end up with Autism. Nick i belive did because he did have the shot. I also think the enviroment and some gentics and stuff we have yet to figure it out.
It really is great that Beside us walking through this weight loss journey together, we also have people here who know our family struggles as well. I love my Oh family here!
dee
I am telling you crystal u have been here for me thick and thin and even when i thought I was never gonna get below 200 u beleived in me and when i went below 190 u were her also . No doubt you are gonna be here when i get my tummy tuck u REALLY INSPIRED ME So glad u r still around and DID NOT LEAVE ME !!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE MY MENTOR
Lisa
Atoning sacrifice my ass. I wonder how long it took him to come up with that one? I am SO glad you survived that horrible experience and so glad that you are going to have the scars removed.
It's interesting to watch one person's journey to total healing. Please continue to keep us informed and when you have the surgery we'll want pictures. I totally admire you because you are trying so hard and working to become on the outside what I feel like you already are on the inside.
God speed, Lisa. I don't get on here as often as I used to, but I am still here, praying and pulling for you.
Marcia
Marcia
This feel so much like a total healing period. I have emotions all over the rainbow but i feel I am gonna get better to see my self in a truely different reflection. It is like cutting the past away. U have no idea how excited I am to have Dec 8th This is more exciting the the wls and I did not think anything could top that LOL
. U know what i cannot what to wear is tight leggings with a sweater top.. I never thought i would see legging on me again. The new wardrobe no need to buy the maternity smock top Shoping is gonna be so much fun . I maybe turning 50 but I do not need to look like old 50 grandma lol .
