my little demons

Hey everyone I have to pubically admitt that I havent been successful in giving up soda. I love it. I drink it all the time. I have convinced myself that I need it. I drink Coke Zero with a passion. I dont think its stalling my weight loss but I feel like crap about it because its one of those things that I said I would give up if it met that I could have a normal life. I havent. I should also admit that I dont take vitamins or worry about protein. I am going to kill myself if I dont get with the program. I basically will just eat protein first and eat high protein food when offered the choice. However I have yet to give up carbs. I know that if I dont break my cycle I will regain. I just am under the mentality right now that if I dont eat when I'm full then I will be okay. I love chicken, cottage cheese and 96% lean ground beef. I can say that I"m not addicted to bread, I'm content to not eat sandwiches just the meat. However I love potato chips, and rold gold cheddar pretzels are my weigh of numbing feelings. I quit therapy. I hate my body. I am not pretty, I knew that I wouldnt be one of those people who suffer from the swan syndrome. I've never been pretty and so loosing weight wouldnt change that. Although let me just stop right here and tell you all that you each look amazing. I can only wish that I looked as well as you. That being said I'm finding myself craving attention from the opposite sex. That doesnt mean that I will ever cheat on or leave my husband. I am just sick of being un-noticed. This leads me to become more flirtatious which in itself is hilarious. I have no idea how to flirt. So I'm sure I do things that are over the top LOL. I'm finding myself wanting to hit the alchohal more then I ever have. I seem to like who I am when I'm a little tipsy. The last office party I went to everyone in the office told me at one point how nice it was to see the other side of me, the nice , social butterfly side. So I've confessed my battles. If you have any advice for me please dont hesitate to let me know. I apologize for the length of the post but I had to confess. I dont feel like I deserve my success and if anyone in the whole world can understand what I"m going through its you all. I think thats why I havent been around much. I just sit and torture myself. I'm still in that big hole that I was in for so long, only now I'm smaller and feel more sufficated. Hugs Amanda

Remember we all have demons and most of us did not get 100plus pounds by simply enjoying food to much, It is a symptom and bigger problem we are running and hiding from. As we lose weight and our protective armor (fat) we once wore to protect us is now left vulrable and we are exposed. it's where our work must begin, I suffer from low self esteem and feeling like u a ugly ducking with no swan ending. You are talking to someone who had been in therpy for 10 years my journey in weight loss begain 10 years ago.. u r not alone in your feelings please feel to write me anytime i am here for u and everyone Lisa

Amanda, you are worth making the changes you need too. Low self esteem has you doing things that you know can only sabotage your weight loss and healthy living. I find when I start having the same issues going on as you (and i do!) I try to stop and think about why?? I also find talking about it with the A team or some other support group also helps because I no longer feel alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!. Now for the reality, soda IS slowing down your weight loss. The caffeine, carbonation and sodium really are self defeating. I can remember what it was like to give up soda-I was a serious Pepsi One junky. Going thru the withdrawls was not easy-I thought I could bite the head off or kill anyone who crossed me but I made it thru. That alone was something that showed me I did not want to give that much control to anything (food, alcohol, whatever) again. Also, carbs are not bad, it is the type of carbs. When you eat refined carbs like the chips or pretzels they cause your blood sugar to spike and just make you crave them that much more. I had a serious bout of stress eating and of course wanted to eat that crap. I found when I forced myself to reach for protein that the cravings went away.The key is not to limit how much of soda and refined carbs (cause it is impossible to those of us who have weight issues) but to not reach for them at all. If you find yourself doing it, try to start the next day completely away from them. I also know you are not seeing things clearly because there is nothing wrong with how you look. We are so busy feeling shame for the choices we made and beating ourselves up for it that we just do not see things clearly anymore. You ARE beautiful, you ARE worth it. Please value yourself as much as the rest of us value you.

Sharra, I too gave up pop for the surgery and then started drinking it. Your right about the carbs I eat them when I'm feeling sorry for myself and I have to STOP. Its not that I feel sorry for myself just because I miss food, I am seriously going through a lot right now. I am so stressed that I dont see how my brian can fit anything else in. I go to school full time(4.0 gpa go me)I work full time, I have three small children, I help care for my disabled mother, I am in the middle of a financial crisis, my marriage is strained. Some how I just keep pluggin away. Its like if I stop to really think about my situation then everything will fall completely apart. I know that I still use food to cope, even though it is no where near the same way I did before. I still do it. My question for you is what kind of protein snacks do you reach for. My favorite is cottage cheese. I just pre measure a cup of it and then have that for breakfast or whatever. I am not a big lunch meat roll up kind of person. It seems like the carbs are so much easier to pack and take. I need to work on that. I wish I could find some good tasting protein that I could make a latte with. Any ideas?

I also struggle with having a pity party for one. My marriage has been very strained. My husband no longer even seems to like me let alone find me attractive. My son is in Afghanistan just outside Kandahar and has already had some firefights with the bad guys. My mother has been fighting stage 4 melanoma. I say this not to be in competition but to let you know once again you are not alone. This is why we come here for the fellowship and friendship. One thing you have going for you is you have us. Why is this important? because others in our group have struggled and pulled away as if to hide. You have reached out and said I do not want to continue down this road. You are already in better shape just for having done that-I am proud of you! As for snacks, I have to keep on the go finger food available, so I have yogurt, jerky, nuts, cheese sticks. Anything easy so it is just as easy to grab the good stuff as the bad. I also eat every 2-3 hours. That way I never feel hungry and I seem to keep my metabolism running. YOu can e-mail me privately whenever you want if there is more you want to yack about. I am here for you...

Lisa, Thank you for your reply. Part of me cant believe that you suffer from the ugly duckling syndrome, but I know that even beatiful people do. You my friend are very pretty. I will take you up on your email offer Hugs, Amanda

amanda Been there to an extent I just have still not had soda which seems like the only thing I stick to and taking my vitamins but I forget the b12 sometimes. I think you a very pretty and you should not be so hard on your self. You were very pretty when you were bigger as well you have a very pretty face. I am queen of spinning out of control and the only advise I can give you is that you are awear of what you are doing so now you can make changes not at once but maybe start with only eating chips once in a while maybe cut down on soda and replace it with water a little at a time. I just quit drinking and now I am back losing a little weight each week. take it slow and just work on it one day at a time. dee

Amanda I just checked out your profile again and for the life of me I can't figure out what you mean by the ugly duckling syndrome! You are BEAUTIFUL and I'm not just saying that. As another A-teamer mentioned... you were beautiful with the weight on and you're even more beautiful with it off. And your new skinny pics look like when you first got married. I think Sharra & Lisa have given you some GREAT advice and I ditto everything they said. Especially the part about not being alone. We are all in this together and we all share in the same struggles from one degree to another. I too have my "little demons," COFFEE being one of them. I have tried so hard to quit coffee but I can't. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE coffee. It's the first thing I sip on in the morning and it goes down so smooth and tastes so satisfying. But I have cut back on it. Instead of a whole pot of coffee now I just have 2 to 3 cups. Hopefully I can get that down to just one but for now it's an improvement for me. One day at a time. I've noticed too that it's much too easier to reach for the easy "slider" carbs like chips than it is to make healthier choices. So when I hear those chips calling my name I play a little game with myself. I tell myself after you eat your protein and drink your water if you are still hungry go ahead and (measure out 1 cup) of chips and eat them. 9 times out of 10 I'm usually not hungry after I eat the right way so I end up skipping the chips altogether. Or sometimes I only need to eat a few to satisfy that craving. Like Sharra shared keep healthy snacks in the house like cheese strips, nuts (I love almonds), fruit & veggies are a good choice to. They satisfy that need to crunch plus you can be at peace knowing you are putting something good in your body. I went through a short bought with the alcohol myself. It was a bit intoxicating (pardon the pun), to get so tipsy off a few sips and it allowed me to escape from the stress & my struggles for a little while. But as I began to do some soul searching I realized this was only a temporary fix and it would only harm me in the long run. So, I made a choice to STOP medicating myself with alcohol to deal with everyday stresses. For me I turned back to God and renewed my faith in Christ. I realized I could not handle the stresses of everyday life on my own and I needed the strength of Almighty God to uplift me and guide me. I'm happy to say He has been faithful and I have truly overcome many of my "little demonds" because of His guidance. We have gone through many changes both physical & emotional. It's alot to take in and we can't do it alone. We need one another, support groups, and whatever it takes to keep ourselves focused on being healthy inside & out! There are so many books out there that offer great insight to our type of journey and practical help & guidance on how to live a healthy life physically & emotionally. Do a google search and fill your mind with some positive reading. I love the Psalms... they keep me motivated and seem to speak so directly to me. For so long we have gone unnoticed due to being overweight. So here we are now, skinnier and for the first time for many of us we are getting noticed. That can be addicting, something we crave. But this type of craving can also be destructive and like everything else we need to bridle it. We should never find our self worth in other people... that has to come from within or else it won't last. While it's nice to get noticed and can be flattering especially if we've never experienced that in the past we mustn't let it consume us or become obsessed with it. That's when it becomes unhealthy and destructive. We are changing inside & out and we must learn to take this life long journey that we are on one day at a time. And when we have set backs (and we will, cause it's part of the journey), don't let them drag you down to the pits of no return. Instead use them as stepping stones to reach to higher places. Grow & learn from them and push forward. And more than anything reach out to others and share your journey with them. You'll be surprised at how many people NEED to hear your struggles, your victories, and the lessons you've learned for their own inspiration. When we get our eyes off ourselves and onto others who need help, motivation an encouragement you'll be amazed at how much it ministers to you and can help you in your journey. Thank you for being so brave & bold to share with us. We are the A-Team, a mighty fortress and if we all stick together in this journey we will be successful and make it together! You all have inspired me by your honesty, struggles, victories and by your encouraging words. Thank you A-Team for always being there for me every step of the way. Hugs! Lisa

Lisa, Thank you for your words of inspiration. That was very uplifting for me to read. I find myself hoping that people dont think the worst of me because I am craving attention. I dont know if I am to the point where I base my self worth on what others think...well obvoiusly I do that to a certain extent or I wouldnt feel so ugly. I think right now I am to the point where there is one guy at work that I want to notice me. I dont want to date him, I dont want to cheat on my husband with him, I just want to know that if I really wanted him I could have him I guess is what I'm getting at. He's single so its not like I"m going after anyone's man. I just want to know that I could get a guy like that if I wanted too. I have the perfect man for me wearing my wedding ring, I just want to know that a guy like this paticular guy would find me interesting. He's the opposite from my husband. He's all into science and computers and all this techy geeky stuff and he's a marine. My husband is into other guy stuff. Thats where I am at with that. Harmless flirting really I suppose.

I was where u are now and trust me you do not want to go down this alley as it is very very dangerious. Harmless flirting becomes a addiction and before u know it u crash and burn ,,, I will never think the worst Trust me I will NEVER judge anyone my friends walk from all walks of life from a devoted christian to a escort. I really GET THEM .. I am not about judging people and who is better no one is all that and a bag of chips. they still need 'sour" cream for those chips Lisa