The post I didn't want to write....

Blah. How do I say it? Where do I start? I've vowed to be honest and open here and I have been, but right now, I'm scared. I'm scared to say what I feel. I'm afraid no one will hear, that no one will understand. I don't claim to be rational, but I don't want my feelings/thoughts/emotions that are real to me, to be discarded by someone's eye roll and click of the mouse. I'm struggling. Already. I'm not gaining weight. I'm not. Every evening I weigh 146. Every morning, I weigh 143. Every. day. Day. After. Day..... BUT I FEEL HUGE. The scale has been pretty much set in the same place for several weeks now. I can *sort of* deal with that. What I can't deal with is the fact that my BMI is 26 and that makes me overweight. I can't deal with the fact, that on the weight charts, I still have 7ish lbs. to lose to be "normal". Did I come this far, and do all of this to still be "overweight"? Now, before you comment me and say, forget the weight charts, and all that jazz, let me first say, I am 5 ft. 2 in. on a good day. In fact, I think I'm more like 5 ft. 1.75 in. Sadly, that probably makes me even fatter on their stupid charts. I'm afraid b/c the scale is the same and my clothes are fitting the same but... I look in the mirror and every day I look bigger to me. I ask DJ if I'm getting bigger and he just rolls his eyes, but I swear to myself that he's lying. My stomach looks like I'm 6 months pregnant to me. I feel like I have a double chin again. I feel like my stomach is HUGE again. I look at myself naked in the mirror and sob. What is happening to me? Am I going crazy? No, it's not PMS either. I'm not due for another 2 weeks. This is real. This is happening. I can tell myself that I am thin. I can look at pictures and sort of see it... But when I walk in a room, I still feel like I am 277 lbs. WHen I saw R (my surgery buddy who had her RNY the same day as I) at our post op appt, I felt like a big slob sitting next to her. I swore I was twice her size. I literally tried to cover my stomach w/ my purse and kept my arms crossed to hide my fat. When I saw the pics, I couldn't believe we were the same size. Someone help me please. I honestly feel like I'm losing it. The worst part is, this stress and anxiety is making me want to eat more. I wi**** would make me not want to eat at all.... Am I going crazy? Am I normal? I wish someone could tell me... what is happening and how to make it stop. To top it off, a woman called me a fat ass at work today too. Of course, she is a resident w/ dementia but still.... bad timing.

We all deal with issues of body image. However, I am worried about how strong it is in you. My advice is to get professional help. This is not a cop out, you need someone trained who can help you work thru these issues. It might even be that some type of medication will help. Our bodies go thru some extreme changes in hormones and other blood levels-it can leave a person reeling. I am so impressed you had the courage to post-so please have the same courage to get help before it gets to you any more. The A team cares for one another. We will always be here for ya....

Your are strong and brave to make this post and I am very proud of you. Our body image issues are so hard to deal with so I don't think you are crazy but very normal and in need of professional help. Please find a good therapist to help you through this part of your journey. big hugs to you, Inky

Please don't feel crazy or alone. I feel exactly the same way. I feel like I still weigh 348lbs (I feel huge). Worse, I feel like I still look like I weigh 348lbs to everyone else. Its crazy and I can see the difference in pictures, but in real life, my brain doesn't make the connection. Whenever I enter a room, I swear that I am the largest person there (even when I am definitely not). I was talking to a co-worker the other day and she said that she wears anything between a size 10 and 16 (depending on the brand and cut). That is EXACTLY the same as me and yet I swear I am 100lbs heavier than her. I don't know what to tell you other than try to get professional help. I just moved to a new town, but as soon as I get settled I plan to find a therapist that deals with eating disorders. So, sorry, not much help, but please just know that you aren't crazy or alone.

You are definately not in this boat alone. I feel the exact same way. The scale hasn't moved in weeks, and I haven't gained anything, but I feel huge. In my brain, I feel like I look the same now as I did on the day of my surgery. I know I have lost 165 lbs, I know I only weight 180lbs now and not 345 lbs where I started, but my brain cannot reconcile that. Maybe it is all the skin I have hanging all over, maybe its just me being crazy, who knows. All I know is that I am having a difficult time dealing with this too. I hate getting on the scale becuase I am afraid it will say 345 again (even though I know it won't), I am NEVER naked and in front of a mirror and I too use stuff to cover up my stomach. Don't ever feel like you are alone in this. I am sure there are a lot of people on here who feel the exact same way, and I am one of them!

First of all I want to tell you this is so normal! I think there is a let down after 11 or so months that I wasn't prepared for. Kind of like that feeling on a really awesome roller coaster ride.. and just as you think your about to go around the bend one more time and you get ready to pull your arms up and scream.. it stops with a abrupt jerk and the pimple-faced teenager in the funny hat is asking for more tickets.. to which you have none. I understand what your saying about feeling fat. I feel fat.. even after loosing over 100lbs. But what I do know is that it is more my perception then someone else's. The fact that I was running downhill and saw the finish line there.. and then it disappears.. and the downhill is gone.. and nothing but a lonely long road ahead of me. There is a let down when the goal is just a number.. or a clothing size. I think that might be what you are facing. When we put our goal in the wrong place.. it can become discouraging. The BMI charts.. Sizing of clothing.. the number on the scale.. has little to do with who you are or how much of a success you are. Try to think of all the wonderful things that you can do now.. that you couldn't do before. By this time.. the compliments tend to slow down and people start to forget how big you where before.. also we tend to forget how desperate we where for health. I noticed on OH, that the people that had tons of health problems due to their MO, seemed to not struggle as much with body image.. the loose skin and such seem to be a small issue... because their goal was to be healthy.. not skinny. I thought my goal was to be healthy..but this year I found that I really just wanted to be acceptable and 'normal'. (whatever that is!) I've had to realize that life is much more then that. If weight is my goal... then I have a hard time eating right. If health is my goal.. eating right comes naturally. That's just my 2 cents in it all.. for whatever it's worth.. -Shakeira

I too find that at times I think I'm fat, although I'm not. I've been at 150, more or less, now for several months, and have determined that my body has decided this is where I need to be. We had our church picnic yesterday, and somebody offered to let me sit in the folding chair they brought. I almost declined because in my head I was still that fat person who wouldn't dare sit in one of those flimsy chairs. I also sometimes think that my stomach is huge, when it's not. Totally illogical, because my small clothing still fits at the waist. But my body image issues are not as strong as yours. I agree with everybody else - you need to get some therapy as soon as you can find a good therapist (can your surgeon or bariatric center recommend somebody? Did you have to see a therapist before your surgery?). Don't ever be afraid to bring these issues up to this group. You'll find out you're not the only one, and you don't know what good you might do to anther person in the group, who will, as a result, find out he or she isn't the only one either. (Ignore the 'fat ass' comment. I understand the bad timing, but with her dementia she'd probably call Calista Flockhart a 'fat ass'.) Good luck. I hope you can find the help you need with your body image issue. Ironic, isn't it, that we have body issues before doing this, go through all of this, and still have body issues? You look terrific, by the way, but that's beside the point right now. Take care. Marcia

Amber, I think each and every one of us that has gone through this transformation feel like this at one time or another. I look in the mirror and see fat also. If I walk into a room and people look at me I immediately think they see a fat person. But then my husband says. Did you see that guy checking you out? It really makes me feel good about myself. I am thin and my clothes prove that. It is just getting the mind to catch up with the body. It is such a wonderful feeling to be able to sit comfortable in a seat at the theatre, or in an airplane. I don't worry now where I am gonna sit if we go out to eat because I can fit in the booth without the table sitting under my chin. We need to look at all the positive things and not dwell on the negatives. I agree that you need to talk to a professional about your feelings. You have come such a long way to back slide now. We never want to go back to that unhealthy weight and yes we have loose skin and saggy boobs, but we can hold our heads high and be proud of what we all have accomplished over the past year. We all knew that this was going to change us forever. We are here to support each other and for that I am thankful. Jan

Thank you guys! I am working hard to get myself in a better place mentally. I appreicate your posts and your support here. Yuo guys are the best! www.workingongfreedom.blogspot.com

I think we all deal with this and I have come to the conculsion that we are all teenagers once again. It will take us time to get comfy in our new skin but I too find myself feeling bigger than some of the weightloss patients that I see daily. Well I think that some people like your patient they can sense what we feel and they can use it to their advantage. Give your self some time and then call your surgeon....maybe you can get some answers there.....I am sorry if this has not helped....but just know I am with you all the way and you are never alone.