Someone help me understand..long post.. sorry

So.. I'm all excited about loosing 100 lbs since surgery. I was talking to my husband about it. And I told him that I finally feel like I'm 'normal' (whatever that is?) And he said.. "well your going to keep loosing though right?" He asked the same question to my surgeon at my appointment. I am only loosing around 4 lbs a month as of late and I was concerned about that and my surgeon called me a success and said that he would be happy if this is all the weight I loose total. (my weight was 222 at the time) And my husband cut in and said.. yes.. "but she will loose more though.." He's always been affectionate with me.. but also very open about how he struggled with my weight gain over the years. He's fit and trim and takes a lot of pride in the fact. He's nearing 40 and starting to get a bit of a belly. He is terribly self conscience of it though.. but not enough to give up the ice cream before bed! Anyways.. today we where talking and I confronted him on the fact that he keeps pushing me to loose more weight.. and I finally asked the dreaded question..... "Do you think I'm attractive just the way I am right now?" His answer.. "I think your more now then before" (not what I was after) I ask.. "What is attractive to you?" He says.. "Normal weight" I ask, "What is a normal weight?" He brings up one of my friends that I know who weighs around 140 and is my height. She is a size 8 and very attractive. I'm really hurt now. I told him that I needed to loose at least 70 more lbs to get to her 'normal'. He didn't think that was a big deal. He says, "You have already lost 100.. you can do it." I feel crushed. Someone help me see clearly here. When we got married, I weighed 240 lbs and was a size 22. He wanted me to loose weight then. Why the hell did I marry him? I guess I figured he was my last hope... blech! Seriously.. I do love him.. and he loves me.. even at my heaviest, he was sweet and showed affection to me.. never acted ashamed of me when introducing me to his friends and such. But when we would talk about it.. I would always be hurt. At my highest weight he told me that my body repulsed him.. not enough though to boycott sex. grrrrrr I know that guys are visual, but I just can't seem to understand where he is coming from here? He tells me all the time how beautiful I am now. He used to just say that I was 'cute'. But now I'm wondering if I am still under his critical eye of judgment. It makes me sick. I hear other wives on here say that their hubbys 'wouldn't mind if they didn't loose another lb'... I sure wish mine would feel that way. He is so surprised that this would hurt me. He asked me today.. "Don't you want to be a normal healthy weight?" I said to him.. I thought I was! Thanks for listening and any comments. -Shakeira

Shakeira, I think you look amazing. I don't have any words of wisdom about your hubby, but remember we all are going through this process for "us". It is our time to finally put ourselves first. Feel good about what you have accomplished, and don't let anyone else set your goals or determine your happiness. Best wishes, Susan

Hugs to you first off I think your husband like most men say things without thinking about the impact. My husband is very proud of me and said he is happy with how I look as long as I keep exercising to be healthy I don't need to lose another pound. Of course insert mouth he say yesterday I feel bad you actually look better then me today (this was as we were going to red lobster) I said so does that mean I looked ****ty before? He just ment his outfit was not as nice as mine that day but(most) men are stupid and say things wrong. I think your husband def need some sensitivity issues exsp since you are smaller then you were when you got married he should be doing flips and the best part you are healthy!!! dee

Thanks for the response. I know I need to do this for myself. But honestly.. I would be happy if I stayed this weight for the rest of my life. I feel great.. I think I look pretty.. at least I thought I did. I asked him again today.. "what if I never loose another pound.. would you still find me attractive.. and he said no. Plain and simple. He told me that he's shocked that I don't want to be a 'normal' weight and that I am not as attractive now and I should be. Am I missing something? Is this good reasoning? Am I selling myself short here? I am so pissed that he actually thinks this way. I know I should be strong and not care about what he thinks.. but I can't help it sometimes. He is my husband afterall. Sorry for sounding like such a wimp. Thanks for your support. I was finally starting to think I looked normal.. acceptable.. whatever! -Shakeira

Shakeira, I don't know what I'd do in your shoes. My partner is constantly telling me how hot I am and how great I look, and I NEED to hear that. I would be crushed if, after losing all this weight, he told me it still wasn't enough. Why is your husband holding you to a weight standard now when he didn't before? Does this mean that he didn't find you attractive when you were bigger but married you anyway? Of course not-that's crazy, and I'm sure it's untrue. Is there a chance that he knows you are looking fabulous but it makes him feel insecure, so he is somehow trying to lower your self-esteem so you wouldn't ever consider leaving him? Not that you would, of course, but you are looking gorgeous and he might be worried on some level.

Thanks for your input. I really appreciate your support. Actually though.. when we married.. and I was a size 22.. he told me outright that he wanted me to loose weight. I had already lost 30 lbs when we where dating and thought that I could continue to loose.... and then I got pregnant. He actually made me promise him before we married that I would loose weight. Crazy that I agreed to it!!! He wasn't happy with my size.. but loved me anyways.. to him.. there is a difference between attraction and love. He loves me.. but has not always been attracted to me.. he admits he is "more attracted" now after I have lost 100 some lbs. BUT he hopes I'm not done loosing weight yet. Does that make sense? He likens it to 'not brushing your teeth or combing your hair' He actually puts weight gain on the same scale as hygene. How do I deal with this?? I'm so tired of this. thanks again for listening. -Shakeira

Hi Shakeira, of course you are so tired of this! To have your husband not accept you as you are and to set conditions for finding you attractive is a terrible situation, and unfair. Have you two tried couples' counseling? It has helped me and my boyfriend SO much. As a matter of fact, it saved our relationship. We've learned how to communicate so much better; I no longer hold my feelings in, trying to please and appease everyone. I have learned how to make my feelings known and to value myself more. He has learned how to appreciate me more and also how to communicate so much better. We can now work things out and have rational discussions without one of us storming off or shutting down. We're a work in progress, but we've both come an incredibly long way. I think counselling would help you guys so much-your husband would hopefully respect an outside opinion and realize that what he's doing isn't right.

Not only do we go through tremendous changes after WLs, but our spouse, friends, family do also.It's too bad you can't get him to reason out what he is saying. Why would he say you were attractive before, but not now? Is is possible he likes the larger figure? Easy for all of us to say,but.you've gotta do what's best for you and what makes you happy. And just remember, we are all here for you Shar

Thanks Shar! I feel really alone right now. He claims to have always loved me.. no matter my size.. but he has not always been attracted to me. (is that possible for a guy?) I can't relate to it at all. I have been loosing and gaining weight our entire marriage. He asked me to promise him that I would loose weight after we got married. I had 3 kids in 4 years instead!! Later when I got sick with TSS and gained 60 lbs in less then 4 months I was at my breaking point. He felt like he was the victim too. Crazy. Poor husband married to a wife that he can't stand to look at.. but he still loves her? What the hell is that? I just don't get it. I'm angry.. hurt.. and confused. It would be nice to hear a guy's point of view on this. I was finally starting to think I looked okay and normal. Come to find out.. my husband still see's a fat woman. Admittedly he agrees there is improvement.. but that he won't be happy until I look like one of those women on the fitness mags. sorry.. I hope I'm not bothering anyone with this.. I am just so confused! -Shakeira

I dated a guy for 3 years, whom I really thought loved me, too. He did, so he said, but he had a problem with my weight (at that time I had lost a lot of weight on optifast and weighed about 230). No matter what, he couldn't get passed it. I could never figure it out, he loved me, he showed me love and affection, was very passionate,,,,,,,,,but there was just something missing . I attributed it to his own insecurity. Although he never hid me from his friends and family and always seemed proud to claim me as his girlfriend, for some reason, he just needed a trophy woman by his side. It was his loss!! But, if we could figure out men, and they could figure us out, life would be too smooth. Let's hear from the guys on this one! Shar