Fighting Internal Battles.....

Hey everyone. I don't post much on this board... but since we are the A-team after all, I decided now is the time. I'm hoping I'm not the only one going through what I'm about to explain. I'll re-introduce myself. I'm 23... had surgery at barix in langhorne on april 17th, my starting weight- 393 my weight now- 213 for a loss of 180 lbs so far. My skin is pretty saggy in the arm and thigh area.. and hell, I can deal with that. I go to the gym 5 days a week, and twice a week I go two times a day. I'm a cardio fiend, and I lift upper and lower body on rotating days. Why am I not happy with myself right now? I've been happy this whole process. I mean hell... I've done pretty fair. I've got an amazing boyfriend, who also had surgery 4 years ago, and is my biggest supporter in this whole thing....... Someone asked me yesterday if i was pregnant. It broke my heart. I feel like I should be doing more... Like I should be progressing more... and I'm not. I obsess over what I eat... I measure everything, and time everything... and count calories, and ect. So, why do I feel so crappy? I even started on an anti-depressant. what the hell?! people ask me "what do you have to be depressed about" well gee... maybe that people treat me differently now... or that people i thought were my friends are so jealous they don't even speak to me... it's horrible. Not all the time, granted. But a lot of the time, I'm still feeling like that stupid fat girl who everyone walks all over. I haven't changed. my body has. and people are more accepting of me... more kind to me.. i get looked at for god's sake, and i cower like a scared little child. My self confidence is down the tubes. I look in the mirror... some days i think i look good.. some days all i see is that fat girl. my hair.... my hair has fallen out dramatically.... it's kind of just sad ya know? I hate to be the one to complain after doing so well... but this is all emotional. please don't let me be the only one.

Awwww Mary hun you are not the only one. And you know what it is hard to do what we have done. It is ok to feel how you are and it is interesting how people treat us different. But for me I think it is all a mental fight about being scared that now people will hurt me....Ohhh hun your hair looks great compared to some.. Mine I lost most and it is now growing ,,,,but ohh this is funny....It is growing faster on one side of my head. From time to time I think we all are still our fat selves...Hang in there and just know that the Team is here for you..

You are perfectly normal in all the things you are feeling. The only thing I would say is try not to be so food obcessed if you can help it you want to enjoy life and the foods you eat so give yourself a little break. I'm not saying to break rules or anything but just allow yourself some slack. It might help you relax a little bit. I can know how you feel about people treating you different and friends being jealous. The thing that I have a hard time answering is when people ask me if I feel better now that I have lost weight. It's hard to explain sometimes how physically I feel great but emotionally I am still struggling with some issues.

Oh Mary, I can so relate to what you're talking about! I've been out of my mind off and on ever since surgery. I've lost half of my hair and I don't see any new growth yet. The other day I went to a new hair stylist and she said I had "thin" hair and I was so bummed out. I used to have beautiful hair. I've had days when I felt totally out of control with my emotions-crying for no reason, being mean to my boyfriend, needing to be by myself and shut out the world, etc. My finances have somehow gotten tangled up into a huge mess. I've struggled with fear of failure and panic that I'll never get to goal weight. As I get smaller I feel more vulnerable, and it's been scary getting used to male attention again. People now feel free to comment on my appearance, which now and then is great, but can also feel like an invasion of my privacy. Like you, I've become obsessed with counting calories and tracking everything I eat. I never wanted to get into that "diet mentality" again, but I also realize now that I didn't know how to feed myself properly, and until it comes naturally to me, I need to track everything to make sure I'm getting the most nutrients for the fewest calories. It's surprising how easily those calories can add up in a day, even with a gastric bypass. The good news is, lately I've noticed that the craziness seems to be happening farther and farther apart. Instead of daily, or weekly, it's sort of monthly now. I finally feel that I'm controlling my food-food isn't controlling me any more. It's a huge relief. Hang in there-I just looked at your pics and you are looking absolutely amazing. You are gorgeous! As for someone asking if you're pregnant, well, these things happen. I carry my weight in my middle, and I've been asked if I'm pregnant even when I weighed a lot less than now. There will always be tactless people-it's part of life. I'll bet you've gotten 100 compliments to that 1 comment. Unfortunately we tend to remember the negative comments, but you've got to try to focus on how great you look and feel now. You've come such a long way! Try to remember how awful you felt at your heaviest-this will help you be proud of yourself for all that you've accomplished. Feel free to vent here any time-it's great to hear from you and see how wonderfully you're doing!

Hi Mary, u know when I deceded almost a year ago to have wls I had no clue how hard the emotional aspect was involved lets face it we have a food addiction and that was not cut out on the operating table and now we no longer use food to cope. with stress depression etc. I am the fat girl still and being this does not seem a reality.. Other people get skinny where I am battling a platue for over 2 mos .. and finally I see the scale dropping again.. I fight my self imagine as I cannot see my self smaller I know I am smaller when I try on old clothes they just hang on me.. but when people say u r so pretty to me I keep looking around and wondering who ru talking 2.. I am not very pretty really I am not.. I look better in pics then I do in person.. my body hangs of skin and that is ugly nothing pretty about that .. but people act different around me and it scares me .. I do not know who I am anymore do i call my self orbid obese person or a over weight one. my head does not believe it yet I have had men look at me and I am thinking I know u r not checking me out u r just grossed out by a fat women with saggy skin.. NOTHING SEX ABOUT 48 YEAR OLD FAT WOMEN lol Men before use to snicker when I walked by AND BY THE WAY CONGRADULATION ON THE AWESOME WEIGHT LOSS .. U inspire me to keep fighting and to keep exercising.. u r my new mentor ty hon u r not alone .. really u r not Lisa