Size 16 and a bit of a rant... sorry

My goal size was a 18 when I started this journey at 335 lbs and a size 28 pant and 30/32 top. This evening.. while I was putting my clothes away, I came across a pair of jeans I had bought on clearance this last summer. Faded Glory size 16. I know Faded glorys run big.. but I remember last time I put them on I could barely get one leg in them! I thought.. since my Venezia jeans size 20's where getting too big and the 18's fit me great.. I would give these a try. What the heck eh? I couldn't believe they button up and fit into them. I also put on a size 16/18 top! These clothes look so tiny to me! Weird. So.. I surpassed the biggest goal I could imagine for myself... and why am I still not happy about my body and the way it looks? I know a size 16 might seem big to some of the blessed petite folks.. but for my 5'9" frame.. I can't believe it is happening to me. I have not been a 16 since I was 16 years old. I'm amazed.. but not happy. Weird. Anyone else feel like this a bit? Or am I just being a bi*ch about it? I also am struggling with the comments I get day in and out about my looks. It's like that's all people see... that I've lost weight and 'look so much better". Don't get me wrong.. I appreciate them. I have had people come up to me at church and around town and tell me in no uncertain terms that I look beautiful.. or that I am 'so pretty!" I can't go anywhere without people stopping me. I feel like I'm on display. Why does this irritate me? Why can't I be thankful!!!!??? When it happens.. I blush.. feel uncomfortable and love it all at the same time. When it's done.. it's like bad sex or something.. lol sorry for the analogy. I don't know how to express it.. just leaves me feeling empty. Please no one get too upset with me. I always swore I wouldn't be 'one of those people' that complained about all the attention they where getting.. or that couldn't see their own reflection in the mirror and recognize themselves... but I've become one of those people. Perhaps I am just let down by the fact that loosing this weight hasn't solved anything in my life. (not that my life was bad to begin with) But that I guess I held this struggle as my highest.. only to find other things to take it's place. Some one described me the other day as "fit and lean". I'm 223 lbs!! THAT IS NOT fit or lean. Why can't I see myself that way? I work out nearly everyday.. weight train, run on my treadmill.. ride my bike.. I try to keep my water and vitamins going for health sake... but I'm sick of the scale.. I'm sick of the weight (and lack of it) being my identity. I'm also sick of not being excited about reaching this goal... when will it finally make me happy? Life was a bit easier hiding behind 80 lbs. at least then I knew who I was.. I can't figure that out now for the life of me... Now here is where I really sound like a Bi*ch... sorry.. thanks for reading my rant and making it this far. Can anyone relate? Your guys are all doing great! Yaaaay A-team! -Shakeira

OHH WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH NOW..... Ohh what you are feeling is soo normal....I wondered if anyone else was feeling this way......I think that you are mad at people with their comments because they never said this stuff when you were heavier. YOU are still YOU...but why do people treat you different now...... As for your not happy with your body yet... I think it is still a mind game...Our minds do not let us see what we really look like. and This change has happened so fast that our minds are still seeing a larger person. In time you will be happy....But just remember that you are still that person that had a body suit of a extra large size....so come on take that suit off... I know for years I think my fat kept me safe and it is a scary thing putting that suit down and letting people see me....but the people that are truely in my life have always seem ME under that suit....It is ok..Shakeira... You are grateful for where you are at it is just an emotional change and a hard core reality check......Like I said WE ARE GOOD ENOUGH NOW.......

"Why does this irritate me? Why can't I be thankful!!!!??? When it happens.. I blush.. feel uncomfortable and love it all at the same time. When it's done.. it's like bad sex or something.. lol sorry for the analogy. I don't know how to express it.. just leaves me feeling empty." Wow, I couldn't have said it any better than the way you put it! It's like you described how I feel exactly when people compliment me everywhere I go. I feel like I am under a microscope constantly being analyzed and although they mean well it gets uncomfortable when everyone is always analyzing you. I just want to feel "normal" and blend in like everyone else but as for now we don't seem to have that luxury. Eventually it will come, the novelty will wear off and one day people will stop analyzing us. Shakeira you are not a b*tch... you are just going thru a normal part of the journey. You will get thru this part and like Crystal said our minds will catch up with our body soon. It's funny because I actually fit into a size 12 the other day and I thought to myself, "gosh, I look fat!" WHAT? Size 12 jeans and I'm thinking I look fat? ...my brain needs some re-adjusting! We will all get there someday! Hang in there!

Hi Shakeira! I agree with Crystal and Lisa-our minds haven't caught up with our bodies yet. Like Lisa, I'm in a size 12, and last night at the gym I saw myself in the mirror while I was putting on my bathing suit and was horrified by my gross stomach and all the flabby skin and fat under my arms. Even my legs, which I thought were pretty good, looked lumpy and sad. What the...? Anyway, I think I have body dysmorphia-I can look at myself and think I look great, and 10 minutes later think I look just as fat as I did when I started. But, to be honest, when I was at my heaviest, I really didn't look at myself in the mirror. I mostly just focused on my face, and avoided seeing the rest of my body. So I don't even think I had a clear picture of what I really looked like. After our workout last night, in the car on the way home, my brother told me that I actually looked great on the treadmill-he couldn't believe how "narrow" I looked. This, coming from a totally clueless dude-I was stunned! I figure, if my brother notices enough to actually give me a compliment, then it must be true, because he NEVER comments on my appearance. Wow. I know what you mean about the letdown-for so long, obesity was the biggest problem in my life, and now that it's gone, life goes on and there are plenty of other problems to deal with! I didn't realize how much everyone noticed my weight before, because in so many ways I was"invisible", and now that people feel the need to comment on my appearance it's sort of horrifying. But, I'm sure this will all die down-once people get used to seeing us the way we are now, they'll get used to it and maybe even forget what we used to look like.

It's totally okay to feel this way. We had a reason for gaining weight and hiding behind it-now we got to deal without our "shield" around us allowing us to be invisible. I had a few similar thoughts as you when the compliments started. I though that they must have really thought I looked like s**t. What I have come to accept is that is comes from a good place. They are very excited for me and how this WLS has changed my life. I had to learn to accept compliments (not easy!) but once I did I could celebrate with everyone. I am new, this experience and its changes are new-it will become old news in a few months and then I wonder how I will deal with the LACK of attention. It is a viscious circle we live in. I am now in size 11 jeans and I am 5'10". I look down and do not see a small person but when I was in the dressing room yesterday I could see how small I am getting. However-I could ALSO see that muffin of loose skin and some fat left. I CAN see the folds of fat and skin on my thighs. Since I do not leave the house without being covered-no one else can see that. They see the improved version-not the naked glory version. I guess what I am saying is we all have a lot of work left to do in getting our minds and emotions in the same healthy state that most of our bodies are now in. This subject is something we need to keep connecting with each other on so we can heal and live life after wls.