Out of Hell: Reflections on Losing 150 pounds
So many nights, I whimpered and cried, Thought that my prayers had all been denied. Stuffing my feelings, ashamed of my plight, trying to stop with all my might. Shoving in cold spaghetti at three in the morning, frying shrimps by the time the daylight was dawning. Drinking gallons of soda my heart wildly beating, hating myself, "cause I cant stop eating." The monster in me would come out to play, and as much as I begged him, he wouldnt go away. Morning would come and that is when the whole vicious cycle would start once again.
Tears would be streaming, I felt like a cow, I wanted to stop but didnt know how. Boarding a plane, and seeing the fear in the eyes of the others.."Dont let her sit here"!.. Walking a block and feeling such pain that I went right back home to start eating again. "Your face is so pretty? Start using your head! Just eat smaller portions, is what my family would say. Put down the fork, Push yourself from the table, that is what my friends would say. But I wasnt able. Will power is the secret. We'll help you get through it.
I tried every diet to get back on track, I'd lose weight and then gain twice as much back. Every morning I'd pray, "God let me be good." Then I'd fail once again and on one understood. Each day would bring another attempt, each evening would bring still more self-comtempt. Filled with self-loathing, such awful remorse, simply unable to get back on course. Overwhelmed with this state of awful depression giving in to this dark paralyzing obsession, I thought to myself "You'll always be fat.." Accept it, move on, and learn to live with the fact. Questionaly God and wondering why positive that I was destined to die. Yet something inside me was whispering, NO THERE MUST be a way. It has to be so.
I felt a new Barbara was waiting inside me and it was her voice I premitted to guide me. I knew I could no longer go on this way, desperate and dying bit by bit, day by day. So I got on my knees, and prayed for relief then God sent a miracle to lessen my grief. A way to stop eatingso crazy I thought. Went against everything I had been taught. This was my last option, I felt like a jerk, If this didnt work then nothing would.
So I trusted the doctors, wholly and blindly and my God smiled down completely and kindly. An unorthodox treatment, but working so wel, to help lift me OUT of this ongoing Hell. A surgical wonder that acts like a tool. To battle the fat which had made life so cruel. So as scared as I was I knew I'd get though it since I was so much more afraid not to do it.
It went smoothly and I'm convinced that the pain was less than the pain of this fat. Nothing could hurt more than being this size while seeing the pity in everyone's eyes
That part of my life is over and done but I'll never forget the place I come from and I'll always be grateful, I always be driven to bestow upon others the support I've been given. The obsession has lifted, I'm whole and I'm free. God and my surgeon gave me back my life and I've learned how to chew, enjoying my food as normal folk do. I eat when I'm hungry, I stop when I'm not. Being fat in this life will not be my lot, I eat not for sport but just to survive. My whole life is changing...I'm glad I'm alive! I will reach the goal that I'm aiming toward, I've been truly blessed.. Thank You Dear Lord.
The peace that I feel is calming and true and for those who still suffet.. I wi**** for you
Written by Barbara Rice
This was shared at out last month support meeting and I thought it should be shared with all. It is wonderfully put. Hope you enjoy.
Kathleen
This was soooo well written. It is exactly how I feel, but I am not so eloquent! I am so thankful for the opportunity that I have been given to lose this horrible fat and gain back a wonderful life. I feel like a whole new woman! I never in my life thought that I would say that I only have 30 more pounds to lose! (And feel like it is a totally reachable goal!) wow!!!
Thank you for sharing!
Kari Ware
311/192/159
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