ot: Parent of teenager...need advice

I just have to vent today. I am a mother of a 14 yr old son. I have tried hard to raise my son to know the difference between right and wrong, and that lying is very very wrong. Well yesterday I went into the bathroom and found a note that my sons "girlfriend" had written him. now normally I am not a snoop, and if the letter had been in his room I would not have bothered with it, but I looked just happened to see the words "im sorry your mom is such a b**ch" so i figured i needed to take a peak. Well im sure glad I did. My son spends most of his time with his friends at one house or another, and I have met the boy's mothers and thought that they were on the same page as me....well i guess NOT. I found out that this past weekend, this boys mom allowed teenage boys and girls to sleep in the same room together, and that according to this note, this girl was sad that her and my son didnt have sex, but that 2 other teenagers that were there did....and that they were planning on staying there again this weekend, and she was hoping that her an my son could hook up and try. Needless to say i was flaberghasted. I called her up and asked her if my son stayed there this weekend like he had told me, and she said yes he was there all weekend, then when i confronted her about the girls, she said yes they were there, and that she didnt see any problem with it, and that she did check on the kids and they were sleeping, so she says nothing could have happened at her house. HOW NAIVE is this woman, and who gave her the right to make decisions for these parents???? I am SOOOOO ANGRY. I called 911 and they said that in the state of washington age of legal consent is 14yrs old, so there is nothing that they can do about it. Well it still makes me angry, and I think that the parents of the kids who did have sex should KNOW what their children are up to, and that they should be angry with this woman also. I went to my sons school this morning to try to get some help so we will see where that gets me...but right now my son is grounded, those kids will NOT be allowed at my house, and I will keep tighter reins on my son. He is pretty pissed off at me right now, and with being a teenager he treats everyone in our house like crap anyways, but i just cant sit idly by and let this keep happening. I know i cant keep him a child forever, but to me 14 is too young to be doing this. AM I WRONG????? all comments are welcome, and thanks for letting me vent. Anita B 420/270/220 soon

Anita, First of all, calm down, breathe. Your son seems to have a level head on his shoulders if he and this girl did not "hook up" at this last party. That tells you that he has a little more respect for himself than those who did -- and that, he got from a mom who cares! I agree, I would be very, very angry if I were in your shoes. I have a 13-year old daughter and in the past when another parent had a sleepover and did things with which I disagreed -- say allowing my daughter to watch R-rated movies without my permission or drinking in front of the kids or leaving the kids to go out on a date (yep, actually had one woman that I thought was a pretty good mom do that, changed my mind real quick!) I have confronted the parent about it. Those parents who still thought they did nothing wrong were marked off my "ever being allowed near my kid again" list. I still would allow my daughter to associate with her friends, but ONLY at my house. Fortunately for me, my daughter knows just how much emphasis I put on being honest, so these things are always told to me, I don't find out secondhand. However, my advice would be to talk to your son about finding the note -- the damage is done, if he doesn't already know that you know (his friend's mother could have told his friend), then he soon will and wouldn't it better if you were up front and honest with him about having read his note? Unfortunately, the only way to deal with that parent is to disallow them any ability to make those choices for YOUR child by not allowing him to go over there. Things will be rough between you and your son for a while, but I think as long as you focus on the positives -- like the fact that he did not have sex with the girl at the last sleepover -- then you can work through it. I hope another mom's view has helped a little, and I hope things work out well but remember, you are not his FRIEND -- you're his MOTHER, and sometimes, to be a good mother, you have to be a b*tch. joanna 325/173/125(someday soon)

Anita, I am the most liberal minded person you could ever wish or not wish to meet, but you are definately in the right here and this woman is way out of line. You and the other parents trusted her with your childrens' welfare and having sex at 14 is not in their best interest. Sometimes you have to be the mum , and be tough, and this is one of those times. Trust me that your boy will look back on this experience when he is a man and thank you for being his protector. He wont thank you now, thats for sure, but he has plenty of friends and only one mum. OK so to him you are a ***** It too will pass. Hope you come out of this all ok. hugs from down under Helen

I was the biggest "*****" raising my children and I'll tell you I am now the proud mother of two productive and honorable members of society. My daughter is 25, married to an Air Force serviceman, she is in her last semester of medical school, and is an active volunteer. She's turned into an angel of mercy. This was the child who barely spoke to me without rolling her eyes at me from age 14-16! My son is 22 and serving proudly in the US Navy. He's been to the Persian Gulf and may return with his carrier group soon. He is a Petty Officer *****gularly gets excellent performance reviews. You stick to your guns and your values and don't let other people compromise your expectations in your son's behavior. My kids thank me now because I expected much from them. Tough love and being a good example of practicing what you preach is the best you can do for your children. Lynda