Hello my beloved April 2004 fools! 

My last 2 posts were started in sadness.  This post does NOT make 3. Time is working its magic and trying to heal my heart's wounds.  I still think of my mom every single day and miss her.  And I'm trying to sift through all my feelings about my former marriage - to separate them from the feelings I have about my former wife. 

One thing I want to post - I re-read my posts and I wasn't owning the fact that I had regained 40lbs from my very lowest.  14 of them 100% authorized because I looked like a starvation victim at 184, the rest a product of the poor eating choices that I was using as a crutch during the dark times of my marriage.  My favorite weight is 198.  Currently I am at 208.  208 is a weight I feel very comfortable at - at 6' 2.5" I feel svelt and willowy again (thank the gods).  I can't wear my old 38s anymore.  And the 16s are falling off again.  *phew!*  If I ever got all this skin off I am certain even at this weight I'd be a 10/12, and since I have no plans to do so - I'm just happy to be back in the weight range that doesn't make me feel like a failure.  228 had me feeling pretty down in the few moments I admitted to myself that the scale said such a horrifying number.  If I don't re-lose a single lb I'll be satisfied with staying right here. 

My back continues to be a debilitating pain in the a$$.  I'm persuing Social Security and am waiting to get my court date with the Judge.  It sucks.  I'm paying for all my healthcare out of pocket for the time being which is chewing through my savings and Long Term Disability.  Even on disability I was always the primary earner in my marriage - so even if "half" of the "earning team" left, I'm coming out about even in the wash being on my own.  I kept the apt and have been sifting through the rubble of my belongings - shedding dumpsters-full of broken and undesirable things.  I am praying that eventually the wheelchair lift designers will figure out how to get a wheelchair/scooter lifted and stored in my type of car - until then School isn't realistic.  Eventually Grad School is still my plan down the road.  

Choosing not to use food as a coping mechanism is still a moment-by-moment choice.  I'm so very thankful for this tool, and my stregnth 4.5 years ago to take this huge leap of faith.  One moment at a time, one day at a time, I'm learning how to love myself - no matter the cir****tances.  

Please take a moment - even if just to say hi - to post a reply with a tiny blurb of how you're doing.  4.5 years out, and we're all still in this together.  

With love and respect to all on this journey, 
~Lara
4/1/04 

Thank you very much Denise.


Time heals right?  I've been giving myself time and space just to grieve.  Between losing mom and my marriage crumbling it's been a banner year.  *Sigh*

My decision to adopt a cat was one of my best brainchildren ever.  Butters is the light of my life, and I knew my marriage was over when I'd rather scoop another lifeforms crap than deal with my ex-wife's.  My friends have been amazing.  I've lost the bounce lbs that the stress of living with her added to my frame.  My eating has improved again, and I'm feeling well - even if in pain from my back. 

I'm still all me - and I continue to survive and I'm working on thriving.  Is it weird that I'm kind of excited to see what dating and meeting people is like at my current weight?  I've not really put myself out there just yet - I'm still a bit too emotionally fragile. In its proper time, I'll find out. 

Wishing you well,
~Lara

Hello there all my April 04 peeps!

I've heard from me lately, and I said to tell everyone that I'm doing alright. Summer came and went with lots of time spent with family and getting to know my new sweet baby - Butters the wonder cat. After losing 220lbs of dead weight this January *ahem* I'm happy to report that I've also lost my bounce weight and am back down to "comfortable" . . .I'm about 8lbs from my favorite weight of 198, but very very happy to be down 20lbs.

My back is a jerk, but I'm surviving. I'm deep into the Social Security waiting game - thank god for Long Term Disability. My friends have been an amazing support system for me. I'm very grateful that the 1 year anniversary of my mother's passing has come and gone. I look forward to the 1 year anniversary of my split from my wife. I wish we could get divorced. . .but there's no legal recourse for us at this time. I'd really like it to be "done" but what is one to do?

With my back pain I have a nearly constant state of nausea that my acupuncturist is helping me address. The treatment gives me a healthy appetite and I'm extra careful to ensure I'm getting good calories in. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but one day at a time right?

Love to all those who struggle to do what's healthy,
and to all the rest of us humans too!
~Lara
Lap RNY 4-1-04

I did loose to much for a while, was down to 120, but now I'm up to 160.  I had gained back to 155 before the Lithium.  I only take 50 mg of topamax, more than that and I get really forgetful.  I'm sorry to hear about the seizures.  I hope the medication is working for you. 

Dianne

Thanks, I take topamax to, for migraines.  It has no effect on my appetite as far as I can tell. 

I hope you are well also.

Dianne