Can I get some advice...please???

Hey everyone! Long time, no post...I peek in everyday, but haven't really had anything to say that folks haven't already said...Well, today, I am asking for your help.. I am having issues...not just the food issues that come frequently when one is inendated with the yummies that come with this time of year, but other icky things... I have lost a literaly BUTTLOAD of weight..went from over 350 at my highest (right before my consult...went on a diet before it bc I didn't want the MD to think I was fat...can you say "special"...lol), to 310 a month after consult and day of surgery, to 142 now. You'd think I would be happy...but I am not. I have been called thin, skinny, etc, but DO NOT see it...I still think I am Rotundzilla...Queen of the Pudge. I have been told by my MD, and friends alike that I just have skin left, and after a TT and some other surgical magic, I will feel 1000 times better. HOWEVER...somehow, in my mind, I think I need to be in the 120s BEFORE my TT...I am 5'2", and my DH thinks I would look HORRIBLE at this weight.... Why have I adapted this "never thin enough" philosophy? I am thinking I went from one extreme (obesity) to where I am now...an eating sort of anorexia. I eat, drink, and am merry most of the time, but I have these days from Hades that make me so sad that I am not skin and bones. In my heart, I know I will not look right so tiny, but I can't help it. Is it bc I have spent so much time as fat that I am in some sort of sick contest with myself to see how small I can get? Is this common???? Thanks so much for letting me dump on you! Janice

Janice, You are not alone, I know exactly how you are feeling. About a month ago, I was thrift store shopping and grabbed a pair of size 2 jeans that looked generous I put them on and they fit. I am 5'8 and weighing between 138-140 lbs. I too am being told I am to thin and to stop trying to loose weight but I have not lost any weight in four months. I decided not to buy the size 2 jeans hoping that it would not create a challenge for me to loose more weight. I did not realize how gaunt I looked until someone took a picture of me at a wedding in September. You can actually see my sternum bones (chest) I am having such a hard time with self image, now that I am finally at a weight that I like; however, I look at my ever flabby stomache, thighs, and breasts and am embarrassed. I am not trying to impress anyone but I want to look beautiful and feel beautiful and no matter what anyone tells me I do not think I do. People at my support group are very understanding, they try to help me get through this, I am having a hard time with accepting self success. I go to another support group for people who are just trying to loose weight and I feel I do not belong. I find myself constantly comparing myself to others, I even got jealous because of friend of mine who had WLS is now thinner than me even though I am much taller. I am trying to figure out ways to loose 10 more lbs. I will never have the money to have my body modified so the stress of me disliking my body is causing me restless nights. Try not to worry and just hang in there. I hear it takes awhile for your mind to catch up with the weightloss. Lori

Janice, I think you are just like the rest of us on this issue. I obsess on my weight all the time. I think my family just wants me to shut up about it. I technically weight 148lbs due to water and swelling from my TT & BR. However, I figure I'm around 140lbs when it's all gone. I know that I am thin in actuality but my mind keeps saying I'm fat. Yet at times I look at my face and see how gaunt I look and it's not good. I actually looked better about 20lbs ago. I now think I look old and hagard. And yet I still freak when I start eating like a pig. I'm terrified of gainiing. I want to get to 120lbs even though I know that I will look like crap if I do get to this point. It just doesn't make sense how our image works on us now. You are definitely not alone in this plight. I do however feel better now that I've at least got off some of the skin but I'm still left with a tremendous amount. I probably won't have anymore surgeries though because I have come to the conclusion in my own mind that I'm too old to look like a model and the scars can look worse than the skin in my opinion. If you are interested in the PS be sure to carry documentation of rashes on your consult visit so you don't get denied. I would have never been able to pay for the surgery on my own. But just as a note that PS doesn't always take care of our body image. I think a good support group is gonna be the way to go. I too have got to make myself reach out to my support group for help. I wish you well and don't be so hard on yourself. You look fabulous. It's incredible how good we all look on here. Take care! Merry Christmas! Donna Paige

Hi Janice, I can understand your post...I feel compelled to maintain my weight...not even a pound is allowed to be gained...I weigh everyday...I say it is to keep me honest, but sometimes I wonder... On the TT issue...I felt the same way...I need to lose more, etc...I made my consult with my PS and he convinced me that I didn't need to lose any more weight...I had skin issues, but not fat issues.... I went ahead with the TT and some lipo and I have to tell you that while I still am obsessed with what I put in my mouth, I feel so much better about what I see in the mirror...I have a flat tummy, etc... Not sure if a tt (or other procedure) will help, but it sure did help me see myself a little more honestly... BTW, I still get the feeling that when someone calls me thin or skinny that they are "just" being nice because they know I lost so much weight... But then someone who has never met me before will say it...catches me totally off guard....the lady in bloomingdales left me speechless when she told me....with your body you can wear whatever you want.... Anyway, I hear what you are saying and I think I understand but unfortunately I do not have the magic answer...I believe identifying a problem is half the battle of finding a solution to the problem. Your honest posts usually make me take a hard look at myself...thank you for that... RAE

Hi Janice, I think it's really hard to get over that obsession with the number. I look at myself and think I look to thin, especially when I'm shaving and my legs look like chicken legs, but, I still weigh all the time and I'm disappointed if it goes up, even though I think I looked great at 150, my face was fuller, less wrinkly, less skin, etc. It's weird. I'm eating more, trying to gain a few pounds, but mentally its a challenge with my inner self who wants to loose, loose, loose. I remember as a teenager having my jaw broke, weighing 120 and drinking diet soda through a straw. I've always been messed up about my weight. Hang in there. Dianne