What is wrong with me???

Hey Y'all! I have a question...I was beginning to feel good about myself...pretty, sexy, confident...then BAM! I woke up and it is gone. WTF? All of a sudden, my self esteem went back to 350 lbs instead of the 164 it should be....Why is my mind regressing back to the fat girl mentality??? I was doing good accepting my new body and mind. ANyone else have this happen? Help! Janice

I noticed this about a week ago. It really hit hard when for some reason a couple days ago my SO and I dragged out our old high school year books (my thin days) and he gaga'd over how beautiful I "was". Sent me into a tail spin of darkness to think about what happened to my body after I turned 18, had a baby at 19, stayed severely depressed until I weighed nearly 300 pounds and basically pissed away my 20's. Now I'm 31 with re-arranged insides, a 12 yr old son, no college degree and no marriage (geez, 1/2 my friends are just starting their families or are already on their 2nd marriages). I got depressed, then mad as hell. So I applied to a state university in MN that offers a business degree that I can do evenings weekends and online, so I can still work. I can't change the fact that I had a son wayyyy too young or that I hurt myself even more trying to eat away my "failures and misery" or that I'm no longer 20 something. But I can get that degree! Amazing how much better I feel and I don't even know if I'm accepted into the college! Won't know for 4-6 wks, but who cares, I'm trying! Must go with the territory, some friends on my state board are dealing with the same crap!

It started suddenly with me this month, too. I think before I was just thankful the weight was coming off at all. And I've been getting so many compliments on how "little" I am. (maybe little compared to what I used to be but I'm still not little. lol. I need to lose another 9lbs to be in the "healthy/normal" BMI range). I was feeling good. I loved my new self- until about a month ago. Now, I'm about 15lbs from goal. I'm wearing the size I said I wanted to get down to in the beginning (10/12). But suddenly I'm finding a lot of "problem areas". In my head, I know I look much better than I did before. I know how much healthier I am. But I just feel fat. And I see fat when I look in the mirror. I don't know why this has been such a struggle with me this month. Maybe because I"m close to a year postop and haven't hit goal? Maybe because I"m taking a vacation in a couple of weeks and going to see family who haven't seen me in months (some since before surgery). I have no idea why I'm feeling this way. I'm starting to fear that I'll never be completely satisfied. Jill 288/165/150

"I'm just a little black rain cloud... hovering over the honey-tree." This is the stuff that catches us by surprise. Who knew that getting thin would cause so much upheaval & distress? I know exactly what you're feeling. I'm feeling it too. Sometimes I feel so "good" about my new size, I think, "Wow, look at me, I'm a size eight!" - and moments later - I can be just disgusted with myself. Many times it is as simple as the clothes I choose to put on each day. When I put on my sloppy clothes, I feel FAT & frumpy, because AT my heaviest, I mainly only wore cotton sweats/pants/tee shirts. When I wear slim-fitting clothes that really show that I am a much smaller new person, I feel entirely different. Confidence oozes out when you feel good about yourself. For me, I feel that to finish my transformation and feel good about my body, I will require plastic surgery. I will NEVER be comfortable in my own skin until it fits me. I look like something HAPPENED to me. It's not normal. I don't want to look like a deflated raisin, okay? If I fit in my skin now, I'd feel one-thousand times better. I know it. Beth Someday I'll fly, someday I'll soar, someday I'll be so much more than my body gives me credit for. Why is it not my time? What is there more to learn? Shed this skin I've been tripping in, never to quite return... -J. Mayer _______________________________________ HW- 313+ SW- 298 CW- ??? GWR- 114-151 *New pix on profile- check it out, and dance with me!* Journal- meltingmama.blogspot.com/ _________________________________________