D-i-v-o-r-c-e.

I read somewhere that the divorce rate after WLS is extremely high. I don't doubt it for a half-second, actually. I know the stats pertain more to people who have one partner in a marriage that has had WLS, so it doesn't exactly apply so much to ME, but... if I wonder if we've got double the chances to break it all off since we're both post-op? This is the scary part, ladies and gentlemen. Now that we're getting our senses of self BACK after hiding it under layers of fat, we realize what we were hiding, so to speak. _____________________________________________________________ I'm finding myself becoming more and more mouthy in regards to what I want, in all areas of my life. DH is getting more than his share of this from me lately. I'm developing a "put up or shut up" attitude, and even if I realize it, I can't stop it. I'm starting to realize that I don't have to deal with certain behaviors, attitudes & drama from anybody/anywhere! I would take a lot more sh*t from people a year ago, that's for certain. I don't neccesarily feel bad about it, because some stuff needs to change in regards to DH. Our main source of stress is and always has been money, and I have so little control over that situation that it drives me beserk that he jumps all over me about it, over everything. No matter WHAT, our issues always stem from something financial. If we have a tiff, the source immediately can be traced to something money-related. Example: I want to sign up my son for football (March 1st), because I didn't get a chance to sign him up for baseball (at Christmas-time.. they wanted $100 to sign up... I didn't have it.. so he missed out ) He immediately says "How much is THAT going to cost??" I say, "Does it matter? Your son needs an activity, he does NOTHING, he needs to get involved...." He controls every stitch of money in the house, always has... has always done the bills, made the paycheck, (I've almost always been mainly at home, worked part time at times, including now I babysit for cash..) etc... etc... So I have to "ask" for EVERYTHING. I loathe that. I don't care HOW tight money is/was... I hate asking for money. It's ALWAYS a fight. Working part time doesn't help the issue, because every time my check comes, he asks for it to pay bills. Fine, but I make so little money, and then when I put it in the bank, I've got to ASK for money again! I understand that it should go in the bank- but why bother if a day from now I need $10 for gas and I don't have it?! I don't have a checkbook- I don't have an ATM card.... I use cash-only, or an occasional credit card if necessary (rarely, cuz it's dangerous!) I HATE the control... I don't care if we didn't have $1... I hate the control he has over it. I've offered to take over the bills- just to get a taste of it... but he thinks I'll mess it all up... and lose complete control.... (he's a bank manager, money/balancing is his life......) That's just our main stress, there's other stuff, but that is and has always been the main issue.... the irony of it is that if I ever got so fed up with things and wanted out, I can't leave.... why?!?! Because I have NOTHING. That's some scary sh*t. What would I do if he were beating me or something?! YIKES! If I just decided I was through with it and wanted out, I'd be poor, single, with three kids... no job, no education to fall back on. This is why women should NOT be stay-at-home moms! Seriously, I can't imagine why anyone would CHOOSE this. I hate to say that our problems would be solved via cash, but in many ways, they WOULD!! What would we fight about if we didn't have to worry about money?!?! I do wonder, sometimes, (ssssshhh!!) if I *did have my own financial stability, would I have already left? If I had the means, would I have the balls to do it if I really wanted to?? What would happen? (Disclaimer.... I don't plan on it.. but I feel like I need a plan worked out in my head, just in case...................) I've told him that he needs to watch his step.. because I *would* leave. Technically, I guess I wouldn't go anywhere... but emotionally, I could check out. KWIM? I can't physically leave, I've got kids... He'd have to leave, I suppose! And, he doesn't want to... so, things must get better. Not only that, how the hell would I afford a lawyer?? -beth :::tying a knot and hanging on:::

Hey Beth, I've been having one of these days for about a month. I promise it will get better. My husband has told me that he is taking on a new position with his company which means he will be gone for about 16 hours a day depending on the work load. I thought whoo hoo I dont have to be in a fight every night of my life now. I have though over and over about getting a divorce but then i thought why give him the satisfaction of trying to make me look bad.. See we live in a small town (pop. around 1000) And if I left him I would have no place to go because literrally there are no empty houses because this is a great community to live in. Great school too. That is another reason i dont want to leave because i would have to pull my kids from school and move to another town and i refuse to do that to my kids. They make straight a's and our school is deemed very high in acedemic levels. Every one that lives close to our district try to get their kids into our school because of the way it is. Any way just thought i would let you know that i think i am sailing along with you in your boat. So know this you are not alone. Kelly

You remind me so much of my SIL. Her husband (my husband's brother) is the same way. She also watched kids in her home and worked part-time at a catering company. She solved her problem by quiting all that and starting a housecleaning business. Now she makes more money cleaning houses and they usually pay her in cash so guess what? She hides some of it for herself. She is much happier since she has done this. Maybe you could try to find a cash type job or business to get into. Just a thought... I understand what you mean too about not putting up with as much stuff as we used to. Losing weight is an empowering thing but if we can hang on long enough to weather this stormy ride, it has to improve our relationships in the long run! As for me, it has brought up all kinds of issues for my DH and I and I drug his butt to counseling, convinced that although my feelings for him had waned, I was determined NOT to become a statistic of divorce. You know what? It's changing everything for the better! I didn't think I could ever feel this way again towards him and it is slowly but surely happening! Hang in there, girl. It is a growth journey for both of you! Especially in your case. Ronda

Ronda- I was very close to starting a house-cleaning service last year... I gave it up because I still had to find child-care for my younger two... I've given it thought for *next September, since I *might have the youngest in a full-day preschool program (it's a Head Start program, we actually don't qualify *but there's a loophole I'm trying get in through again...9-3pm)... and one in 1st and one in 2nd grade... I'd be able to work "mothers' hours" anyhow... That makes me feel better. I know DH feels stressed because he *is paying all the bills and I really don't contribute to the income, but what choice do I have RIGHT now, KWIM? He's told me time and again NOT to work, because then he'd have to pay for child-care!! It's a no-win situation. I'd just be so much happier if I could somehow afford to pay for what the kids need and what I need without DH. Haircuts, clothing, birthdays, sports, activities, food, etc.... ALL of those things are reasons for a fight...if I could just do it all without his input --- life would be simpler. Right?? If I could just GO to Target, BUY the socks and underwear without a discussion.... I don't want to use credit cards, go into debt again... etc... cash only... I just need cash! -beth

I also have suddenly not been able to put up with crap lately. I think I've looked around and realized that others aren't better than me and I deserve to be treated good too. It has caused a strain with me & SO, my attitude is tough cookies. I put up with his sh** for six years, I woke up and realized what was happening and either it changes to my satisfaction or it doesn't and we're done. He didn't care for that! But, he's getting the picture and is getting just a touch nervous. Good luck. And by the way, he would not only be paying you child support, but also alimony due to your lack of work history because of caring for "his" children. What happens to the babysitting money? Can you start by keeping out five bucks here and there? I had a girlfriend in a nearly exact situation...although her hubby was an abusive alcoholic....and she would hide and scrimp on money. It took almost two years, but she saved up a thousand dollars, packed up her kids one night and left. Not saying thats what you need to do, but just know, if there is a will, there is a way.

I'm going through my own version of this. It's not my primary love relationship, but rather with my friendships and my work. I wish you the absolute best beth. I'll be praying for you. ~Lara

Wow Beth, I'd swear we are married to the same person. My husband has control over alllllll of the money. I work hard too but I never have any money. I swear today I was sweating bullets because I absolutely had NOOOOOO money. I think I had .75 in my wallet and my gas tank was on 1/8 of a tank. Begging for money is Not a very fun thing to have to do for your self esteem. And.... if I get one more of these....little lessons he thinks he is teaching me. I'm gonna pound him over the head. LOL Dang it I'm 42 years old and he is 35. I have much more knowledge than he has. At least in my opinion. Give him another 8 years he will be even with me. LOL However on a serious note the man is constantly saying I don't care cause your gonna leave me when you get skinny. I just look at him and tell him your dang right I am if you keep up with your controlling bossy ways. I have one father and I don't need another one. He forgets when I married him 6 years ago I was 140lbs. The good news is my daughter is 21 years old and is old enough to care for herself not that she does but... I have no kids with this man so I am not completely tied to him. I love him but there are days I hate him too. The surgery did help some because my weight and my health is no longer an issue. He hated the fact that I could barely walk and I just never felt like going out. He forgets that he is overweight. Although I must say he is more built like a football player and carries it very well. And on that note if this marriage don't work, you couldn't talk fast enough to get me to do this again. There are days I wonder what the heck happen to me to make me get married. I managed to stay single til I was 35. Craziness on my part I guess. Some days men are just no easier way to say but to call them Dick Heads. Girls if you have a good one, hang on to them for dear life because they are few and far between.

Beth, I'm sorry you are going through a hard time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers! Dianne

LET IT OUT BETH. MAN THAT FELT GOOD !! BLESSINGS ON EVERYTHING .

*DA*N* girl let it out...Great vent, we all need to do that sometime. I am feeling the same way about not taking any sh*t from anyone now, of course in a nice way. I am not so quick to "bow down". I have never had that power since I have always been overweight, but it is coming out and it feels great. I now feel that people are no longer being oppositional with me becasue I am "fat"or "not fat", so I don't hide in shame. Now on your other issue and it seems that this also pertains to some other gals. I am sorry that you are in a situation where you feel powerless and controlled over the money issue. That really suc*s, and you feel like you are stuck. I too wonder what I would do if something happened to my DH, tragiclly or if he just left us. I couldn't make the house payment and pay the other bills. I don't have an actual degree to get a higher paying job so what??? Beth, keep thinking about that housecleaning business next year or even some other homebased business, and don't feel guilty that he is the one making the money to pay the bills, gosh girl think about what you are doing, you are a stay at home mom, how fortunate for your children. You do have a very important job, I know you know all this and probably are not wanting to hear this. Your awesome and your kids will thank you for it down the road. Of course once they are all in school full time things can change and you can monitor and adjust your own situation. Keep it up Beth you are doing great in all aspects. If I come up with some great ideas, homebased or schooling on the net I will share with you. Anyway I could go on but I will shut up. Take care Mechelle