Jealousy from obese people

Has anyone experienced this problem yet? Before I had surgery, several of my obese friends (whether it's 50 pounds or 250 over) were interested in the data I was gathering from research, doctors, other WLS patients. Now that I'm post op, they seem to act jealous. They say things like "Well you should of controlled your portions before surgery and you wouldn't of had to do it." Or "I don't know if I'd do that to my body just to be thin." I didn't do it to be thin and they know it. I've had health problems since I was 2. I know some of them would like to have the surgery but can't afford it or don't have insurance. And some just want to do it to get thin. I don't know if I'm being ultra sensitive or what. Any ideas?

I hear you and agree. Personally, I have a few friends who have been VERY supportive. They have encouraged me, etc. One friend, who I love dearly, has been telling me that she wishes she could get the surgery and saying that it would fix all of her problems, and that it would make it SO easy....the rub? She has maybe 20 lbs to loose....geez, 20 lbs. Last time she brought it up, I explained that the surgery doesn't really help with the "last 20 lbs"....hoping that would get her off her present mind track. A few others have hinted that I could have dieted instead....my answer has been the same....with a sickening smile....gee, I'm not sure why I didn't think of that myself....and then I change the subject. Not a great answer, but I REFUSE to get into any kind of dialogue with folks who have that mindset.... and I think you are right...there is some jealousy and perhaps a few just are not thinking about what they are ACTUALLY saying. Diana, I support you and I know that you thought long and hard about the surgery and you obviously made the best choice for YOU!!!! I am hoping that as time passes, my surgery becomes OLD news.... RAE

Hey Diana: Well, first, let me say that I have been tremendously BLESSED with very supportive people! That goes a LOOONNNGGG way in this journey, I think. Another thing is that I have a fairly strong personality, and I never did take much crap from anybody. Accordingly, I think that the people who aren't supportive would NEVER say anything to my face about it. The most annoying thing I've had to endure from anyone else is my mother's comments: "You're chewing too fast!" or "You're drinking too fast!" or "You're eating too fast" or ... etc. etc. I just politely remind her that she does NOT have X-Ray vision, and therefore cannot see the texture, quality, or amount of the food entering my pouch. That ALWAYS ends those kinds of comments! LOL Then, to soften the blow, I tell her that IF that was the case, I'd DEFINATELY be sick and/or PBing (vomiting), because my POUCH is the boss, NOT ME! LOL But, back to your question, I think it lies with this: It takes SOOOO much courage to have ANY type of WLS (especially RNY, IMHO), and it's such a loooonnnggg process. Many people wait YEARS for surgery. When I came back to work, several of the women here were interested in getting a LapBand. I was happy to assist them with any information I could provide. One woman in particular was REALLY interested, but when I told her that I'd waited 18 MONTHS from research to surgery, she quickly lost interest. Looking back, it almost seemed that many of my "friends" were annoyed that they didn't know anything about my surgery until it was over and done with. They actually seemed "irritated" that I'd had enough - that it was time for me to make a change - that I was unhappy, but had the DESIRE and the COURAGE to change ... and they DIDN'T. What I'm saying is that between the courage factor and the waiting factor, most people just don't have what it takes to go through with this. I don't EVEN think it's about the weight, I think most people are jealous of the very qualities that MAKE you a WLS patient: (1) DESIRE to make your life better (aka: SELF-LOVE) (2) COURAGE; (3) DETERMINATION and IRON WILL; and (4) PATIENCE! For them, it's kind of like: "Hey, why didn't I think of that!?" "Why didn't I have the courage to try?" "Why don't I love MYSELF enough to want to make my life better?" "Why didn't I have the determination or will any a change?" As for the weight, I'm sure I'll see many of my so-called friends fall by the weigh-side as I get smaller. Already, some of my larger co-workers are asking for my clothes ... that I'm STILL wearing! I see them watching every move I make, every bite I put in my mouth ... and you know what? I don't give a DAMN! I'm sooooo proud of myself. I'm sooo encouraged by my family. I feel sooooo good! Nothing and NO ONE can take that away from me. Soooo ... let them be jealous. Success is the BEST revenge! They just want to be like YOU! It makes me work THAT much harder. Let them watch. Let them continue to be miserable. They have to get to their OWN "place" where their OWN journey begins. It's a new day for me, and I'm NOT going back, or even gonna slow down ... just to make someone ELSE "comfortable". That's THEIR issue, NOT MINE! Sorry to ramble, but I just had to get that one out! Thanks for listening, though! Staci LapBand 4/26/04 Age: 33 / Height: 5'0" 267 (highest)/244 (surgery)/215(current)/mini-goal: Under 200/125-135

Thanks so much for your encouraging words. I too have been blessed with many people who support me all the way. I know your words are right. I usually don't take much crap from people, but I wasn't prepared for some of my 'friends' to turn on me. Diana

I know what you mean. Both of my sisters (whom I love dearly and I know they love me) are obese. One of my sisters has recenlty worked very hard on a diet and went from a size 26 to 16...she is super jeolous that I'm dropping weight quickly. She asked me not to tell her how much I'm losing because it is too hard to hear. She knows in her head that i did this for my health (I had a lot more weight related issues than her), and she wants to be supportive, but the jealousy gets in the way. She didn't even come see me in the hospital (she had every excuse in the book). I'm trying not to let it get to me though. I understand how hard things have been for her. Hopefully it won't get any worse, but I imagine it will as my weightloss becomes more apparent. As far as advice. This really reminds me of my two pregnancies. Everyone is so full of free advice and no matter what you do...its not the right thing. I think we just need to get used to smiling and knodding because we can't change how other people feel. Good luck to you, Rachel

Hey there Diana, Let me start with the beginning of my process. 3 years ago I was told by a sorority sister that she intended to get a Gastric Bypass. To her I reacted very calmly and said "Ok." But when I was safely away from her, and among my very best friends I started SHOUTING!!!! OMG - I would never do that, it's mutilation, it's gross, it's wrong. . .blah blah blah. I was terrified that one of my friends was about to tell me that they think I should join her. At 400 lbs, I did love myself, but I wasn't ready to make that committment. I judged her as harshly as anyone of the people you are talking about (the difference is I never made it her problem! I kept my opinions to myself) Well, time passed for her, and for me too. I saw her incredible success, and more than the physical changes, I saw her begin to make wonderful loving choices for herself. She started really valuing her life and taking care of herself in ways that I had never really thought possible for her. I also started really looking at myself with loving honest eyes. I saw my mother, her comorbidities confining her to a wheelchair and a nursing home BEFORE the age of 55. I got over losing the other fat girl in my sorority, and started seeing her experience as a beacon of hope. I called her, we hadn't talked in years. I asked her if she'd be willing to meet me for lunch. I had some things I wanted to talk about, if she was willing. We met, and I explained that I too was ready to make a life-saving change. She has been an awesome support to me through my process. Bottom line, I wasn't ready to deal with it. Her success called my life choices into question. Her decision impacted me because if she was capable of risking it all and gaining so many wonderful things, then so was I. People don't like having the blanket pulled off of their eyes. (Or head pulled out of sand) And that's exactly what we post-ops do. We bring to people's attention that there are options and choices out there for those lucky enough, and for those brave enough to try. Once I was ready, there was ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that could have stopped me short of a direct sign from God that this was a bad idea. My advice is just live your life, be the best you you can be. People will come to you on their terms if they want the information. People are learning from your journey, even if they don't support it. It's not your job to be the WLS ambassador, but we all kind of are to anyone we share our journey with. I have another friend. She told me she's probably going to have a hard time watching me lose. I have a feeling that unless she sticks to her diet this time. . .she might just be joining me on this side in the next couple of years. Stick with people who love you just as you are. Let the rest fall where they may. Best of luck to you and best wishes for you on your journey, ~Lara Lap RNY 4/1/04 400/308 (45 preop, 47 post op)/ goal of 260

GREAT post, Lara! This is EXACTLY what I was trying to say! And, CONGRATULATIONS on your AWESOME success! Keep up the good work, GF!

Thanks Staci! I appreciate your sweet words. I'm trying - every day is another step in this journey and I bought myself some sweet walkin shoes! LOL! Congrats to you too! ~Lara