Oct08 - 4.5 years post op updates

Hello my beloved April 2004 fools! 

My last 2 posts were started in sadness.  This post does NOT make 3. Time is working its magic and trying to heal my heart's wounds.  I still think of my mom every single day and miss her.  And I'm trying to sift through all my feelings about my former marriage - to separate them from the feelings I have about my former wife. 

One thing I want to post - I re-read my posts and I wasn't owning the fact that I had regained 40lbs from my very lowest.  14 of them 100% authorized because I looked like a starvation victim at 184, the rest a product of the poor eating choices that I was using as a crutch during the dark times of my marriage.  My favorite weight is 198.  Currently I am at 208.  208 is a weight I feel very comfortable at - at 6' 2.5" I feel svelt and willowy again (thank the gods).  I can't wear my old 38s anymore.  And the 16s are falling off again.  *phew!*  If I ever got all this skin off I am certain even at this weight I'd be a 10/12, and since I have no plans to do so - I'm just happy to be back in the weight range that doesn't make me feel like a failure.  228 had me feeling pretty down in the few moments I admitted to myself that the scale said such a horrifying number.  If I don't re-lose a single lb I'll be satisfied with staying right here. 

My back continues to be a debilitating pain in the a$$.  I'm persuing Social Security and am waiting to get my court date with the Judge.  It sucks.  I'm paying for all my healthcare out of pocket for the time being which is chewing through my savings and Long Term Disability.  Even on disability I was always the primary earner in my marriage - so even if "half" of the "earning team" left, I'm coming out about even in the wash being on my own.  I kept the apt and have been sifting through the rubble of my belongings - shedding dumpsters-full of broken and undesirable things.  I am praying that eventually the wheelchair lift designers will figure out how to get a wheelchair/scooter lifted and stored in my type of car - until then School isn't realistic.  Eventually Grad School is still my plan down the road.  

Choosing not to use food as a coping mechanism is still a moment-by-moment choice.  I'm so very thankful for this tool, and my stregnth 4.5 years ago to take this huge leap of faith.  One moment at a time, one day at a time, I'm learning how to love myself - no matter the cir****tances.  

Please take a moment - even if just to say hi - to post a reply with a tiny blurb of how you're doing.  4.5 years out, and we're all still in this together.  

With love and respect to all on this journey, 
~Lara
4/1/04 

hello lara. i just wanted to tell you that i gained weight too.i had my surgery on 04/14/04. ihad lost 105 lbs .i went down to 138lbs and now i weigh 158lbs i am so dissapointed i feel so fat and ugly.and the more i think of it the more i eat.

Hello there!

You only gained 20lbs. You're not a failure. We're both maintaing a remarkable loss. The more I value myself, the more the bounce dripps off. Granted - now 1lb a month is "amazing remarkable loss" instead of the several dozen lbs a month like the early days of this wls journey.

For me, I knew that Carbs were my problem. Getting back to the basics of Protein Protein Protein helped me have a longer sense of fullness. Protein in, no room for the extra carbs that were helping me to regain.

I'm sending positive energy your way. And - we're always here to listen.
~Lara

I'm sorry you've been through such a hard time, but I'm glad you are doing better.  My weight is hovering around 160, I'd be happier if it was 155.  Oh well.

Hello Dianne!

I hope that this reply finds you feeling healthier every day.  We long timers gotta stick together, and keep supporting each other. 

With love and respect,
~Lara

I'm going to try to remember to keep coming back, and posting at least one post a month for people to update . . .unless this place starts hopping again like back in the day.  ;)

Hiya girls.

I am so glad to see you posting. 

I'm 'okay.' 

I'm doing good in the weight loss department, I'm at my lowest post op weight.    But, I had a regain.  55 lbs.  WHOA.  There was a baby in there too.  She's two now.

But, I attribute that re-loss  'success' to the epilepsy drugs.  Woot.  I developed a seizure disorder at some point post-op, and it's gotten worse.  I am trying to find a diagnosis, and all I am finding are other RNY'ers with the same sort of problem.  ANYWAY.

KEEP posting.  We need each other.  There is a noticeable lack of longer-term post ops around.