How do I get my support in place?

I am scheduled for RNY March 6th. Work kept me from doing it sooner. I am working on sharing with family and friends and am not sure how to tell my siblings. I know they will be scared, as am I, but I believe they will be in my corner. I have 2 friends that I haven't told because of comments they have made about the issue of weight loss and surgery as an option. They have always been there for me, but I am concerned about their reaction. Any thoughts on how to bring them on board?

Hi Jennifer, You can't make them get on board, but you can give them information and let them know that you have thought hard about this and made the decision, that you aren't asking for their approval, but their support. I have a friend that I am having a hard time with this over. He takes my concerns as a sign that I am not committed, when I think that being nervous about major surgery is rather normal. It's been frustrating. I have another friend that, in the words of 12 step programs is rather toxic. She was my eating buddy and has a hard time with the notion that I don't want to eat all the time and she can't get the picture that having ice cream around isn't okay. Ugh. On the other hand, one of the guys I date is totally against the surgery, thinks I look fine, and yet will take me out to eat on the schedule I need to be on and asks why what I am eating is a good choice and then remembers the next time we go out. My surgeon's office has a great booklet that is really designed for new patients, but I sent a copy of that to my mom who was really worried. The facts, the information about the surgeon's record, and so on really helped her to see that it's not the easy way out, but it is the way I need to go to live a goodly long time. All you can do is tell people what you are doing and ask for their support. Beyond that, you have to see what they will do. We aren't all going to agree on what our friends do all the time. Please let us know how it goes. I'll be pulling for you! Janice

Thank you for the insight!

Jennifer, When I began my journey I was not telling anyone but my Husband and my Mother in Law (I have a wonderful relationship with her so it was natural for me to share with her). I have 3 Siblings as well as an adult neice and nephew. I did not tell them until after my first nut appointment. The reason I did not tell them is I was not sure what the reaction would be. I live 500+ miles from them (I am in Maine and they are in upstate New York) so I do not see them except for a couple of times a year. I then decided if this was something I felt I had to hide maybe it was not the right decission. Now I tell everyone. First I told my brother and he was really worried about it, next was one of my sisters and after I gave her some information she was OK with it. The last person I told was my oldest sister, I have gotten the feeling that she was disappointed in me for doing this. I have sense discussed her reaction with her husband and he settled me by pointing out that this is her way of dealing with the worry of the sugery complications. They are all supportive of my choice. It was not easy to tell them because obesity runs in my family and I am the youngest. I did not want them to think that I was passing judgement on them but I was making the best decission for me. Sorry this is so long but in closing I would say tell them so they have time to adjust to the fear and be ready to be there for you when you need them. Better that then not telling them and then something horrible happening and leaving them always wondering why you did not tell them.

Hello Everybody! Not to sound too harsh, but...Worrying about any/everything and what other people thought of me is what got my rear end as big as it is now. I have told everyone I feel needs to know and I will confirm my intentions with anyone who asks. I am (for once) going to do what's best for me based on my own research and anyone who disagrees with me will just have to wait around until I can say "I told you so". It bothers me to no end when I hear people say things like "Surgery is the easy way out", (S)He lost all that weight and didn't have surgery", or my favorite "Just push away from the table once in a while". Uneducated, irgnorant, and condesending remarks will not stop me from improving upon my life and for the first time since the 6th grade, not being obese. Best of luck to you, and remember, we love our famlies and friends but we have to love ourselves too.

Hi, Lurking here from the March 2007 board, it's knda dead in there so I thought I would see how this year's Marchers are doing. I agree with the gentleman that said something about not worrying about what others think. This surgery is for YOU!!! I spent way to many years of my life trying to make other people happy at the expense of myself. This is your time, if people don't get it oh well. To tell you the truth some of the people in your life now may not be there a year from now. They may not be able to handle all of the changes you will be going through. Oh well, you can't "fix" them, you can only work on yourself. Don't let anyone make this decision for you. You deserve the best life has to offer, and if you want this surgery believe me it will be worth it all. The people who care about you will want the best for you too, educate those that want to understand. Tell them about this web-site, bring them to support group meetings, doctor's appointments ect. What ever it takes, you are the most important person right now. I would do this surgery over again in a heart beat. The people that don't understand or approve, some of them will come around later, some are plain jealous, and the rest might not understand. Be patient with them they don't have all the information you have. The cream will always rise to the top!!!! check out my profile if you want Hope I could help someone with my ramblings!!! Take care of yourself Christina

Jason, what an important comment! We do eat sometimes just to please people (as in "oh, I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I WILL have a piece of baked alaska .. double please"), deal with people emotions (as in "they mad me so mad, I ate an entire pan of brownies!"), deal with our emotions and not wanting to make people uncomfortable (as in "this ice cream will soothe me so my friend doesn't have to hear about how upset I am with her about this ...."). Even though we would think it would be deadly to think so (we don't need to weigh more), we eat. Now we will have the added bonus of our body not being hungry, able to handle an entire pan of anything, and for some of us, making us ill if we eat the wrong things. So now we will have to find some other way to deal with wanting to make people happy, sharing unhappy truths with them, and so on. I'm not sure how I will do all this, I just know that I HAVE to do all this. I am aware that one of my best friends will probably fall by the wayside and say it is my fault. Well, if taking care of me is my fault, so be it. I have to do this. I want to live. And loving myself (as you so aptly put it) is how I have to do it. Y'all give me so much to think about. Thank you! Janice

Thanks all of you for the advice and suggestions. I knew all of this, but was not moving forward. Tomorrow is dinner with some of my family and before it is over, I will have let them know what is coming in my life. I will also be calling my sister and my "sisters" to share with them as well. I do have some good support in place already and they are asking what they can do, now I will be able to talk more openly with those closest to me. Thanks again for jumping in and giving me the kick I needed.

Jennifer, How did it go? I hope they gave you the support you were looking for. And I hope that all goes well for you in that area in the future Peggy

Jennifer, I hope this went well. Please let us know. Keeping good thoughts! Janice