Ok, here goes. My confession.

I was able to relate to someone's post I saw today on the main message board. I answered her tonight and after typing it, I thought this is stuff I should be sharing with all of you, here at my home. I do stop every day, and in the night to read your posts. But I haven't been able to respond, I just did not know what to say, how to say I feel like a failure, that I feel lost, and that I'm afraid. That I don't knwo what is happening to me. That its' been easy so far, now it's like a nightmare. I don't want to be this way, I want to be back in control and doing all the right things. Anywyas, here's what I posted to her. ******* Hi, I don't have any suggestions for you because I'm going through the same thing. I have in the past week gained like 5 lbs. I know why, I'm not eating right! Plain and simple. I don't know why I feel like I have to graze all the time. I plan my meals, I pack good things for breakfast, lunch and snacks at work, but I keep eating pretzels, or a few times a week eating a donut, which should make me dump, but it isn't! I seem to feel yucky more on high fats. Up until recently I hadn't really eaten carbs (meaning, bread, pasta etc.) on rare occaison a small nibble. But I have had craving for McD's and have had half of a quarter lb'er with cheese, some fries etc. And bam! 5 lbs are here. The thing is it has all gone to my stomach! I look like I'm pregnant and look like I gained more than5 lbs. I sure feel like it's more. I feel bad for snacking, but I just keep doing it. It's this viscious circle, do bad, do more bad to make yourself feel better, which doesn't work! I feel like I'm going to fail. I've done so well this past 18 months, have been inspiration to so many people, now I just feel like hiding, I don't want to dissapoint anyone. I started school about 4 weeks back and it's been like that since then. I also started smoking again after 6 yrs. I know its all bad for me, but feel I need it. Yes, I guess I'm feeling stress. But how do we get back in control? We know what we are doing wrong, why can't we just change it? I find myself saying the old things, "tomorrow is another day". I'll have this today but won't do it tomorrow. UGH!! Busy is a word for me to as you mentioned. I haven't been to the gym since I started school. I work full time during the day and I need to spend 2 to 3 hours at least each night doing all this homework. I want do do this, get my degree,and I will do it. I just need to find the balance, and make the time for exercise, no excuses. It's the old saying, if you don't make time, you won't find it. I wish you luc****ep thinking if I open up to someone, get it out maybe that will help. I know there are many out there going through the same thing, but I think we all do the same thing. We hide because we are ashamed, we know better, but denial is great isn't it? If people don't see us they can't see us, question us etc. But eventually when I balloon up they'll see me. or maybe they won't becuase I won't go out! I don't want to go back. It scares the heck out of me. But right now I feel helpless, and I think the way Ive felt mostly as of late is lost. That's a good word for it. I have found myself saying to myself, I feel lost. I don't know what that means. But that's how I feel. Hmmm... I saw your post earlier at work today but didnt have time to respond and then saw it tonight. Just wanted you to know you are not alone. Again, I can't seem to help myself right now, so I'm sorry I have no help for you. Just an understanding, and a wish for you to get control and get to your goal and be able to stay there. No one said this woulld be easy. Truthfully it has been pretty easy until now, but now it's hard work, harder than any diet, or anything I've done. Now there is this fear packed on top, guilt and feeling lost. Thanks for listening. Good luck to you!! ************* So, back to the present. Why is this happening? Why when everything in my life is so fantastic am I messing it up? I feel that doing the things I'm doing is going to ruin everything! I have the best job in the world. I love it! (or as least most times) i find myself pre-occupied with food and smoking and have moments feeling that work is in the way of keeping me from doing these things. My husband doens't like me smoking but is putting up with it for now. As he says, for now, he feels that its a phase and 'll eventually quit. I sure hope so. I'm ashamed of it. I go out at work for a smoke break and then run to the bathroom, wash my hands good, put on hand cream etc, hoping my boss doesn't smell it. I feel it doesn't present a good image, and many people, other smokers in the office have seen me out there and were surpised that I smoke. I feel it is lowering their respect for me, that I am somehow lowering myself, that I should be setting a good example for the position that i am in. I dont know of any of the executives that smoke. I have been drinking way too much coffee. I smoke and I drink coffee. I get a large in the morning, I hurry out at lunch time to get one, so spend half my lunch hour going to STarbucks, getting coffee and sitting in my car like some criminal smoking there so no one sees me. What is wrong with me? This is insane, I know it, but I keep doing it. Then after work, I stop by on the way home, I just don't want to go home, I want to have coffee and smoke. Now I haven't done any homework for 2 days. Its due tomorrow, I should be doing it right now, and I will, (rush through it so it's done), it's just crazy!! I have the most wonderful husband, I reallly don't know how he puts up with it, but he is. But for how long? Where is this going to lead? I even one day last week denied a friend who wanted to head out with me at lunch for a walk, because all I had in mind was getting coffee and a cigarette,and she doesnt like smoke. She still doesnt know I do. So there I go hiding again. As mentioned in my post, I pack the right foods, and most times I even think what I pack is too much. It's all good. Cottage cheese for breakfast, protein shake, lunch is zucchini and boca burger mostly, then afternoon a lf yogurt, oh and almonds with shake, but then i want to munch while working and end up with pretzels or sun chips. Surpisingly the calories by time I get home is 600 to 700 calories, sometimes 800. I guess that is not bad, that would leave me like 700 if I wanted to do 1500 calories a day. But I keep thinking I should be eating much less. That its' way too many calories. I hate stressing every night packing my lunch. I put stuff in the bag, take it out, count the calories and then say heck with it and just throw it in. I get afraid that if I dont put in those healthy things I plan then I'll be stranded at work with nothing to eat and I'll be antsy. Whatever happened to hardly being able to eat anything? Or even wanting anything? I so want to be back at a tbs of food and being satisfied. Am I even hungry? Heck no. I know that. I'm just eeating to eat. I could eat a bite and be done with it. so why then do I feel like I need more? I wondered last week if maybe I'm having an identity crisis. Even though I am the same, I am not. I feel I am the same person, maybe that's the bad thing. But my life is so much busier. I do things I never did before. Maybe its more pressured than I think. The thing is I want to do all these new things I hadnt done before like working at this great job and loving it, like going to Toastmasters every other week, learning to speak in front of people which will help me in my career, going to all the great events I get to through work, which are things I couldnt normally afford but get perks here and there, going to school to finally get my degree, which work is paying for. I wondered the other day if I was doing this all for nothing. I asked myself am I really this person that everyone thinks I am. They all think Im so great, that I'm going to be sometehing some day. That I am management material and Im getting primed for it. That scares me! I love the thought of it, I'm doing all the work, the studying, the reading, etc etc. But will I really be able to do it? I'm afraid that I wont be able to. That Im just not cut out for it. I've never been this responsible before in my life. When am I going to let everyone down? It has started it seems. Ive been letting myself down, so that only leaves everyone else next. Am I doing it on purpose? Am I trying to find a way out? What if I do become sucessful, become a manager some day. Will I stick with it? or will I just say hell with it and leave everyone hanging because that's just how I am, or how I used to be. Wow is that a lot to think about. Just way too much going on in my head. Too many fears it looks like. Dont know how to deal with them. I have thought of going to our post op support group that is strictlly for this kind of stuff, but I keep putting it off, telling myself that I know all this stuff, theres not anything different the psychologist that runs it can tell me. I just have to do sometingn about it, talking is cheap. Ok, I think that's enough confession for now. I dont know where Im going with this, or whats going to help. Just have wanted to spill it to all of you. I know you are all very supportive. As I siad I do read, I am here, just hiding and ashamed. I'm so afraid Im going to fail and get fat (or let me say get fatter again)( becuase I am fat still). I don't think I'll ever be thin, normal, skinny or whatever. I guess that's ok, if I stay here. But I guess unfortunately I want to be thin, firm, and young. Wake up Ruth! Never gonna happen. Smaller yes, but no firmness and no youth. that is gone. Just seems a waste though to have come this far and never really get there. In a weird way, I feel like I never left 350 lbs. I look in the mirror and am not happy with this size and think whats the difference of the number on the scale if I dont look just right. I look pretty good head on, but turn me sideways and I look like a balloon. Thanks for listening! I'm going to hit send now before I change my mind! I typed this once last week and then didnt do it.

Ruth Ann, I'm so sorry you are hurting. You are very normal. WE all have most of these feelings. We all think we are going to fail. WE all have our doubs. I can't speak for everyone, but I cheat. I don't like myself when I do, but I have to live to. Everything is a trade off. I know if I eat more then I am suppose to or the wrong kinds of foods, I will have to pay the price. No one here is perfect, we are all just trying. You have been missed here. I am glad you are reading the posts. You have been such an inspiration to me and many others. Please feel free to bear your soul to us, as you just have. WE will be here for you as you have been there for us in the past. I wish I could give you a hug. I think you may need one. Try to look at all of the positive things in your life. It sounds like maybe you are just overwhelmed right now and that to is norma. Hugs from me to you. Rick

Hi Ruth Ann, Your honesty is very courageous. You are not at all alone in how you are feeling and what you are doing. I too am confessing to you that I have not at all been making the right choices. My food choices are horrible. I am probably eating 2000 calories a day with all the snacking I do. I haven't checked my calorie intake because I am sure it is going to be outrageous and I'll probably want to cry. I haven't been to the gym in almost 3 months. Sure I had plastic surgery but I could have started back on the treadmill or bike weeks ago. I just don't go because I want to do other things, like sit on my butt in the sun and read a book. When I go grocery shopping I buy all kinds of fresh fruit & veggies. Then two weeks later I am tossing out all of the rotten produce because I haven't eaten any of it. Why? I am busy stuffing my face with crackers, sweet n salty bars, cookies, Dibs ice cream, chocolate and sour patch kids candy! It's crazy. I know this stuff is bad for me. I rarely dump anymore because I have forced my body to get used to this stuff again by eating it all the time. I have even eaten white bread twice in the past month and had pasta twice. I would not have even dared take a bit of white bread or pasta a month or more ago!!! My daughter made brownies for school last night. I had a teeny tiny square and should have been satisified with that but then I went back and started picking at all the little pieces left over. I commented how I wish I couldn't eat this stuff like it was in the beginning and my daughter said, so mom just stop eating it. What kind of example am I setting for them! I come home from work and I eat a snack while I am cooking dinner, usually some crackers or a bite size candy bar. Then I eat dinner or if I am too full from my snack I skip the healthy meal I just fixed and later on I eat more snack type, un-healthy or at the very least not the best choices snacks. Usually I eat something sweet and then I want to eat something salty like crackers or chips. Its a vicious cycle. I have been here before and I hate that I have let myself get back here again. I tell myself every day that today I am going to not snack so much and I am going to not eat a cookie from work or a piece of cake from so and so's birthday celebration. And yet every day I DO eat that cookie or cake. I take really small pieces and I usually take an hour to eat one of the large bakery cookies. Still, that doesn't make it okay that I am eating this stuff. I am afraid that I will start to see the scale go back up and I won't be able to bring it back down. I don't want to ruin this. I am the first to admit that the first 50 lbs were easy to get off, I didn't eat because I felt awful and sick all the time which was awful to feel that way but the weight loss was easy then. Then when I started to feel better and could eat more variety, I began to have to really work at staying in control and making the right choices. I have worked too hard and gone through too much to give it all up for the taste of some food that is going to make me feel yucky physically and emotionally. Yet I keep doing it. One thing I am going to tell you and in doing so tell myself is that we are being VERY hard on ourselves. I think that we are living normal lives, eating, working, being busy and striving to hold things together in this ever more quickly moving world of ours. At some point our eating becomes very normal feeling as well. Only I think for us, normal is scary because we (at least I do) feel that eating 2-4 ounces of food 3-4 times a day is what should be normal for us. Maybe that isn't what will sustain us. I know we (you & I) have made poor food choices but at the same time it is probably very unrealisitic to believe that we should not be able to eat more than two crackers at a time. "Success is getting up once oftener than you fall down." Keep getting back up, keep trying, keep paying attention and counting calories and planning meals. You have to keep at it. I also think you need to try & find something to help you to relax when you have a few minutes of down time. You are very, very busy and under stress. Try to take a short stoll in the evening or at lunch. Don't think about how you didn't get to work out for an hour today. Begin with just a 5 minute walk around the block. Take an hour to get your nails done or to read a good book or look through a magazine. If you don't de-stress somehow you will burn out very quickly. You have been blessed, with weight loss, a great job, the opportunity to get your degree and move up in the world of work. But remember to take things one day at a time. Try to avoid sitting around thinking about all the responsibility that you might have in a few weeks/months or even years. Think about the here and now and do the best you can for today. Let tomorrow worry about itself and forget about the past. You can't change it anyway. You deserve the positive changes that have come into your life. Perhaps you are feeling like you don't deserve these things because you still have some of your addictive personality and are struggling with not being perfect all the time. I understand, I am there with you. But perfect is way over rated and to be honest, boring. If we were perfect all the time we wouldn't have any great stories or testimonies to tell about how we overcame difficulties and succeeded at some goal we worked really hard at. The struggles we face and overcome in life make us into stronger, wiser and more wonderful people. Try praying, meditating or reading the Bible once or twice a week. Psalm 139 is a wonderful book about how great we are to God! Focus on how far you have come, understand how far you have to go and plan to get there but don't let the fact that it is taking longer than you would like steal the joy that your success should give you. So I turned down the breakfast that was leftover...usually bagels, & other pastries, muffins. I ate my chicken and crackers instead. One positive choice made so far today. Make one positive choice today as well and celebrate it no matter how small you think it is. Thank you for sharing and letting me share as well. We are going to be alright. Hugs, Robin

Hi Ruth Ann. First off, here's a big HUG for you. I want you to know that you are not alone in this at all. These feelings you are experiencing are also being experienced by others. Me included. There are two things that I am working on in my life right now. Neither of them have anything to do with the scale or food. The first is learning to be nice to myself. I certainly didn't know how to do that at 350 pounds. Just because I've lost 140 or so, doesn't mean that I know how to do it now. I see a therapist once a month to help me deal with some of these issues. I would see her more often, but my insurance will not pay for it (I'm too functional they say!) so I can only afford once a month. She has taught me to verbalize the good things about myself while looking in the mirror. It sounds silly, but it has helped. I look at myself in a full length mirror and instead of noticing all of the sagging skin or my thick thighs, I concentrate on other things. I'll say, "My eyes are a pretty shade of green or blue depending on what I am wearing" or "I like my shoulders". The first few times those were the only two things I could come up with. I just kept at it and now I have a few more things I've found that I like about my physical self. I also throw in a few internal things once in a while such as "I'm a good friend" or "I take good care of my husband". I force myself to describe at least two physical attributes each time. The other thing I am working on is this notion of balance. I too am in school, work a demanding full-time job and trying to exercise. How on earth am I supposed to manage all of that AND have a meaningful relationship with my husband and fulfill other family obligations???? It's so hard! I've been at this for a long time too. So you'd think I would have figured it out by now. But I haven't. Especially the exercise component. During the summer, it was easy. I wasn't taking classes and didn't have that nightly homework committment plus it was slower at work. I could easily get up at 5:30 a.m. to fit in my exercise. Now, it's much more difficult. (FYI - most Sunday nights you'll find me at my computer finishing whatever is due by midnight. I think that's very normal when you work and go to school!) How do I balance all of this stuff? Exercise is usually the first thing to go. Here it is Wednesday and I went to my spinning class last night. That's it for the week so far. Not one minute at the gym yet. And, if I'm honest I probably won't make it this week. I have a paper and a midterm due by Sunday night along with the usual homework. So, am I a failure this week? I doubt that anyone would label me as such. I'm the only one who would do that. Am I a success because I will participate in two spinning classes this week? Yup! Would it have been great to be able to hit the gym four or five times in addition to the spinning? Absolutely. But it didn't happen this week (or last week for that matter). I have to find a place in my life for all of these things. No doubt about it, it's tough. The important thing for me to remember is that I don't have to be perfect at any one thing. I don't have to eat perfectly all week. I don't have to exercise five times in a week. I don't have to read every word of each textbook. It's okay if my husband makes his own lunch one morning because I just can't drag my butt out of bed at 5:00 a.m. when I was up until 11:00 p.m. working on homework. None of those things mean I'm a failure. You're not a failure either. Ruth Ann, you don't have anything to be ashamed of. None of us are ashamed by you even a tiny, tiny bit. Rather, we are proud of you! Proud of the weight loss, proud of the life transformation and proud of the human being that you are. You can be, and are, that person everyone else thinks you are. But, you don't have be that person every second of the day. I know it's impossible for me! I'm fallible, but not a failure! Anyhow, I hope this helps a little. I'm right there with you struggling. I think it's okay to struggle. If I stop trying to find that balance or if I give up trying to lose these last 30 pounds, then I might fail. As long as I'm trying, I'm not failing. Some days, I repeat that to myself every five minutes! Big hugs, Stephanie

Ruth Ann - I think you have expressed some and all of all of our concerns and thoughts. Guess you are doing the confessing for all of us. I went for my 18 month check up last week and they said alot of these type things pop up between the 18 and 24 month period. We just have to figure out a way to be accountable for the things we may try to do to sabotage our wonderful efforts to this point. You do have a busy schedule and many things happening at one time. I hope you can give up the cigarettes because you are sacrificing your health with them - probably more so than the coffee - but I understand where you are coming from. Try to stay with us and our motivational posts Rick and I are doing - we are all here for each other and thanks for expressing what so many of us are perhaps thinking. We need you in our MARCHers family. I loved it when you were doing the exercise posts - you got me fired up! Now I am obsessed with my pedometer and trying to break my own records with that. Hang in there girlfriend - and please know we are all here for you and each other. A big hug to you...Barbara

Hi Ruth Ann, you know I've been feeling the same way, I've been going up and down the same 10lbs for almost a year, and I feel restless, "like something needs to happen or something, can't really pin point what yet. Like you pick up smoking, I picked up drinking, not only that "I'm not a very good drunk" but it's like I think about having a drink all the time, and I want to stop. "They say that some people(US) develope an addiction, taking place of the eating addiction" and I say "I should stop now before I really cant" "but just one wont hurt, please, 1 hour later, I'm still saying that" WHATS UP WITH THAT! I myself, know I'm out of control. "I've got to get a grip" One thing is good, atleast we know need to do something about it. "Your not alone"