When did something so great go so wrong

I went to my local support group tonight and listened to what everyone had to say and everyone talking about nutrition and getting their protein in. Then I had to listen to everyone telling me how good I look? Ha! How good I look? I can't stand it! I just wanted to tell the group what an awful time I am having right now and how awful I feel. I look in the mirror and just want to vomit. I am fat. I am disgusting. About June or July of last year, I started making myself vomit on occassion when I just ate a little too much or ate something that I shouldn't have. This now has turned into something that I can not control. Around December, I would purposely eat something bad or too much food, knowing I could just throw it up later. Now for the past two weeks, I will have one or two completely out of control binge and purges a day and the rest of the time I will eat nothing at all. I am completely obsessed with my weight scale and food. I have had 2 suicidial thoughts and have been suffering with depression and anxiety. I can already feel my body shutting down but its like I don't care. I have isolated myself from my best friend, my mom, because she has already said that she knows I am not eating. I know that I am completely out of control. My family doctor told me to begin therapy and I said that I would but I am convinced that a therapist will only tell me to eat, to stop throwing up and that is not going to happen. I understand that my behavior is not right and that I need help. But I have it in my head that I am doing myself and the world a favor and I don't want to stop. How did something so great like weight loss surgery turn into a nightmare for me?

P.Y.- I'm really worried about you. You are heading in a very dangerous direction, and you know it. I'm glad you posted, though, because this is a step in the right direction for you (confessing what you've been doing, and knowing that it is wrong). You need to let someone help you. Don't assume a therapist is just going to say "start eating and stop vomiting". Wow, what kind of help would that be? Like you never thought of that on your own? If you go to a therapist who is trained in eating disorders, they will NOT say "start eating and stop vomiting". They are well aware that that kind of advice won't work. Now you are isolating yourself from your mom, who knows you and loves you, and obviously she can see you're in trouble. She just wants to help you. Let people help you! There are many WLS patients who end up with eating disorders. You are not alone. Now that you recognize you have a real problem, you need to take the next step: Ask for help! The fact that you're now having suicidal thoughts is REALLY worrisome. PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE! I want you to reply to me that you promise to talk to someone who can help you fight this (a therapist, a trained professional, someone!) Rebecca M. Your fellow Marcher

I agree with everything Rebecca said. Please know we are all here for you. I just looked at your profile and your before and after pictures are amazing...you look absolutely wonderful, but I am sure you fear returning to your before picture in size and that is playing head games with you. At least you recognize your problem and that is the beginning for sure. You truly need to seek some help and do so now for you own being. Why don't you particiapate in the WDYET (what did you eat today) thread that is on this forum and know if you are eating the correct things, perhaps you won't feel like purging the good things. The WDYET thread seems to keep us honest!!!! Also, please open up to your Mother...she will be your biggest support - mom's love you regardless of what you think or do and she understands you better than anyone. Please take care of yourself...and we want you to try and post everyday on this forum so we can be here to hear and support you. Hugs....Barbara

I couldn't figure out how to give you a hug on this thing so here's a kiss instead I am so sorry you are haivng to go through this and to be honest I don't have any answers other then...give the therapist a call...see what they have to say if it's no what you think you need, call the next one. I agree you need to seek some sort of help, even if it is a pastor or priest, NUT, your surgeon...and let your mom and best friend in...they love you and will be there for you. God has given you a second chance at life....it's your job to embrace it and make the best of it everyone has bumps in the road...Lord knows I just got out of a sink hole, but the point is there is a way out and it looks like to me you are looking for it by coming here and talking to us...so grab a hand we'll help you out of this rut and be here for you until and after you are back on smooth road again. Mimi

You need to get help ASAP..... Before you do some very serious and irreversable damage to yourself.... Everyone has given wonderful suggestions... PLEASE go see a therapist that specializes in eating disorders.

P.Y..... Please respond to us and tell us you are getting help. We care about you. I'm worried about your suicidal thoughts more than anything... We all struggle with eating issues here, but the fact that you are feeling suicidal, and you said "I am doing myself and the world a favor" by your actions... that worries me. I had a friend that was having suicidal thoughts, and I just figured he was really depressed and didn't think he would really end his life, but he did. And to this day I regret not INSISTING he get help or telling his family what suffering he was going through... PLEASE tell us you are going to be okay... Rebecca M.