I need to talk (this is long)

I don't know who else I can talk to about this. I don't get to attend my support group very often (it is 3 hours away) and my mother just doesn't understand...I hope you guys don't mind listening (reading). I'm sorry this is so long. I just think I'll feel better if I write about it. You see, there is this boy....... I met him a few years ago through my work. Well, actually, I've never met him in person. He lives 12 hours away from me. We work together to help a common client with their 401(k) plan (he does investments, I do the legal stuff). We developed a phone friendship. We discovered we had a lot in common. We could talk for hours about any topic, finish each other's sentences. We both have a similar sense of humor. We would banter and feed off each other's jokes. We started conversing through personal emails. I sent him a face picture. I weighed 280 lbs at the time (had lost weight on Atkins). I have a beautiful face...it was a great pic, just didn't show much of me except my head and shoulders. He sent me his...he didn't look like he weighed more than 140 lbs wet. Then I got the nerve to send him a full body pic. I mean, he had to know the truth right? And maybe I would get lucky and he would like big girls... Well, immediately after that our conversations changed. How he talked/reacted to me changed; the tone of our conversations changed. Before I sent the pic we'd discussed me coming to visit....after that when I brought it up he said he didn't think it was a good idea. I knew he was rejecting me, but just couldn't tell me he wasn't attracted. I was really hurt. I mean, I thought he was my soulmate. I was depressed, cried a lot. Started gaining weight. It wasn't like I could just walk away and never deal with him again. We have a mutual client...he was part of my world whether I wanted him to be or not. I thought about asking for the client to be re-assigned, but I didn't know how to explain it to my boss. Plus, I didn't want to lose him. The connection we had on an intellectual and psychological level was very deep. So I've endured....for 3 1/2 years. I eventually decided I would rather be his friend than to lose him entirely. We talk almost every day during the week. We share stories about our lives, our families, our wants and desires.....we talk about everything except us and what happened between us. As part of 'coping' I developed this habit of telling him about my dates. He tells me about his dates (then I go home and cry until I have a horrible headache). I eventually got up the nerve to tell him I was having gastric bypass surgery. A few months ago he asked for a new pic. I sent him one (from about waist up). Then he asked for another. Then the tone of the conversations started to change again..... One day he asked me if I thought the reason none of my relationships worked out was because in the back of my mind I knew who I was meant to be with....I said yes. Then there was a pause, a long silence on the phone. We've talked again about meeting. At first I was really excited. But the last few days I've been really depressed. Crying all the time. I feel like I did when he first rejected me. It's like I'm preparing myself to be rejected again. I still weigh 220 lbs...only 60 lbs less than the last time he saw all of me. I look awful. I have a huge belly. My arms are flabby, my stomach hangs down, my thighs look hideous......I can't stand to look myself in the mirror. I don't want to be rejected again by him.... And another thing...why can't I be ANGRY at him for not wanting me before but wanting me now?? I wish I could tell him how much he hurt me before and how much it still hurts, but I can't, because I don't want to lose what we do have. I need strength to do what I know I need to do...walk away. I need to believe that there is someone else out there who will treat me right, someone else that I can have the same type of intellectual and psychological connection with. I need to believe that my life will be as full or even more full without him in it. I just don't know how to get that strength!!! Thanks for listening. I really appreciate having a shoulder to cry on (well you know what I mean...).

Laura, I'll make this short and to the point cause it's past my bed time...hehehe. You are a GORGEOUS!!! GORGEOUS beautiful woman! You are now, you were before surgery. My opinion.... Someone who truely loves you, loves you no matter what happens, no matter what you look like, fat, thin, 6am in the morning or dressed for a party. It's hard, and I don't want to discount your feelings.... you love him right? Would he ever commit to living you no matter what happened, no matter what you look like? I think he already gave you that answer several years ago.

I hope it wasn't reading my 'book' that kep you up late! I appreciate you taking the time to read and give me your opinion. You are right...I do love him. I didn't want to say it in my post, but it's true. I am madly in love with him. But I don't think he is madly in love with me...but then again, maybe he is just a man and doesn't know how to express his feelings....(here I go again making excuses for his behavior...) I don't want to spend the rest of eternity, or even 10 years, married to someone who isn't in love with me and doesn't accept me the way I am. I guess that's why I know I have to walk away. I'll find the strength to fall out of love with him, I know I will. Talking about it with you guys has already made me feel a little stronger!

hi Laura I've read your posts for months and can say you seem like such a sincere person with a heart of gold! You've got a beautiful face and a personality to match, hold your head up and be proud of what you've accomplished!!! that being said.. of course its easier to say than do, especially since you're the one in the situation not any of us, but you truely deserve better than somone who you've connected with mentally and isn't as interested physically. Theres somone out there that you'll connect with mentally as well as physically and not have to wait until you reach goal to get that persons approval! Walking away sounds so much better than sending him more pictures now that you've lost weight to see if he approves. Don't give him the satisfaction, you're deserve better than that! know we're all here for you Laura, anytime you need us

Thank you Karen. I know there has to be someone out there for me that I connect with mentally and physically. You are right, I do deserve better than him. I've known it for 3 1/2 years. I think I used being fat as an excuse for not letting go of him and moving on. I didn't think anyone would want me anyway, so I allowed myself to stay in this pseudo-love relationship with him over the phone, even though I knew he didn't love me. I least I had someone to talk to! I thought when I lost weight I'd feel more attractive and I'd stop feeling like no one would want me. But I don't feel that way. Now I worry I'll never have a nice enough body for anyone to want me. Instead of gaining self-esteem by losing weight, mine took a nose dive! I think I'm going to start going to therapy to help deal with these issues. Thanks again for listening. I really appreciate having this group to talk to! Laura

Hi Laura, my heart goes out to you. I will tell you my story and maybe it will help you a bit in making your decision. When I married the first time at 20 years of age (way to early), I did so for all the wrong reasons. The love of my life that I was engaged to before I met my 1st husband (we had dated all through our teenage years) - ended when my mother continued to harrass me and tell me he wasn't the one for me - when I knew he was. Then I met #2 whom I thought I could be happy with and my domineering, controlling mother started again - he isn't right - you can't marry him...and I gave in again. Then when I started hanging out with the man I eventually married - she started once again...this is wrong, you are making a mistake and by this time my bullheadedness rang in and I said...you won't stop me this time. I knew it was a mistake but I so desperately wanted out of my mother's control so I married him. Then the trouble started - I gained massive amounts of weight - got up to 450 pounds....but I had 2 beautiful children by him and continued on with him for 30 years until I realized I couldn't spend the rest of whatever life I had being miserable. In year 27 of marriage I started phen-fen and lost 170 pounds - got to 280 pounds. One thing I can say is that through all those "fat" years - he did proclaim to love me and accepted me for who I was - but there just wasn't the love there on my part to sustain a marriage. So at 280 pounds - we divorced. I then started hanging out in internet chat rooms - me living in Tennessee - and I met a wonderful man who lived in Massachusetts. We talked for a year online before we ever met. I told him on the front end I was a "big girl" - failing to mention how much I did actually weigh. We were "soul mates" in my mind - without having physically meet. I only sent him a "head" shot in the beginning - just as you did. Now bear in mind - he was recently divorced after 23 years of marriage from a 100 pound "Twiggy"!!!! This "Twiggy" didn't want him and didn't want a marriage. But according to him - he fell in love with the inner me - not really knowing what the outer me totally looked like. In our phone conversations I continued to tell him I was no "skinny minny"....he had sent me a full body shot of him - and he was maybe 20 pounds overweight - but nothing like me. After a year we met - I had gone up to over 300 pounds. We met in February, 2000 and married in August 2000 and I moved to New England. I can honestly say I have never been happier in my life and he says the same thing. He said the weight wasn't an issue for him. I finally ballooned up to 379 when I investigated the WLS - I couldn't believe I had gained weight when I was so drastically happy with him (I always thought I gained weight before because I was so unhappy in my first marriage) - but my surgeon said by then my eating was a bad habit and out of control. Anyway I was 351 the day of surgery and now am at 241 - 110 pounds later. I have the skin issues, flappy arms, elephant looking skin above my knees, tacky tummy, sagging breasts, but this man tells me everyday I am the reason for his being and he has never been happier in his entire life. We are blissfully happy and I cannot imagine life without him. This past 7 years has been the most incredible journey of my life, topped off now by this WLS. I do believe there are men out there that for whatever reason accept us as we are - as there are women who accept their men like they are - regardless of physical statute. They find something in a mate that completes them - regardless of physical being. I think you are absolutely gorgeous and as STYLZ says - from all your posts you can see you are just as beautiful inside. Your friend may be just a bit scared of the unknown, but if your weight becomes an issue he can't handle, he isn't worth your trouble. I think you need to meet and see whether the flames go up or the embers die out - you may not be attracted to him physically - who knows? Since you have told him about the surgery, he needs to decide what he wants - to accept you or not...but you have to find out for yourself I do believe. I know this is a long post, but maybe it has helped you a bit. Please know we are here for you and please let us know what you decide. Whatever you decide, please know you are a wonderful person and deserve the same in return - if this guy isn't the one - there are alot of "fish in the sea" - you just need to keep fishing! Hugs to you....Barbara

Hi Barb. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm so happy for you that you have found the man who completes! It gives me hope that I can find that as well. I know there has to be a man out there who will accept me for who I am and love me no matter what! I just wish I was better at fishing! I'm tired of cathing fish I have to through back into the sea.

I don't know if this will help you or not. But I will tell my story anyhow. My situation was a little like yours. His family is a very health consious family. His mom is a Vegan who works out every day, has better boobs than me at age 62, and his sister was actually an aerobics instuctor who talks about the time she got "out of control and overweight" when she weighed 142lbs and had to go on Jenny Craig. *GAG* He finally got a pic of me and I could tell he wasn't impressed. But we were close friends by this time. We remained friends, but not until after I secretly vowed to make him love me and then just rip his heart to shreds. (I am a very vengeful person. ) We did the whole telling each other about our dates, etc. I was jealous, blah blah... Well, he told me he loved me first...and this was before we ever met in person. By then, it was too late for me. I loved him already and could not make myself hurt him. I had realized that I didn't ever feel truly FREE to see other people, because he was always there in the back of my mind. So I told him, we have to meet. I told him that I needed to see if this would work, becasue if it didn't, I needed to move on with my life. I needed to know because I wanted to be happy. So after 5 years of corresponding, we met. 2 years after that, we were married. And we have now been married going on 7 years. I love him more than life. He loves ME. I don't think he thought he could love a big girl. But he does and I KNOW it. He's loved me at my heaviest and he loves me now. His physical attraction to me has not changed one bit. And believe it or not, he is the best husband I could have ever asked for. He treats me right. He respects me. He is a wonderful father, a great provider. He even does the laundry and the dishes! He spoils me. Now, don't get me wrong. I've reminded him of how I felt he treated me in the beginning. And I've even admitted how I had planned to break his heart. He truly regrets everything. I say visit him. See what happens. Let him know that it is possible to gain every pound back plus some. Get him out of your system if he is a jerk and MOVE ON. You are beautiful. You always have been. You deserve a good man. Its his loss if he can't see what is RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS FACE. I don't think you will be able to find the RIGHT one if this one is always there haunting you. Chances are, once you meet him in person, you will be the one rejecting him. I wish you all the best. Kathy

Kathy, thank you for sharing your story. I'm so glad things worked out for you and that you are happy! You are right...I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering if he was the one. Or miss Mr. Right because I never found out if he was the one. I appreciate your support. It's comforting to know others have been through similar situations and come out on top. Have a great evening. Laura

Laura- You are not alone I feel like I was almost reading MY OWN STORY! (but slightly different) I fell madly in love with this guy I met online (through a video game! LOL). He lives in NY and I lived in Calif. I was so drawn to him! Amazing chemistry, and I had no clue what he looked like. We eventually spoke on the phone, and we had a 3 year relationship by phone and internet! I tried to date but he was always there, in my head and in my heart, keeping me from moving on. I always provided great head shots, and hid my body from him. I told him I was a big girl, and overweight, etc. and he always said he didn't mind. He provided many photos of himself, including full body pics, and I was IN LOVE! I thought he was so handsome! We spoke of meeting over and over, but didn't make serious plans. Then, there was a gathering locally for this video game (players in my area had an event and I went to it). He didn't go because he was in NY and it was in my area. There were pictures taken at this restaurant where we all met, and I looked SO FAT in these pics!! Bad angles, double chin, etc. Not the great head shots I had sent him before... and of course, this group of people posted ALL the pics from this event online for others to see what we looked like, and there I was... EXPOSED... the truth of how obese I was. I never really saw myself as that fat. I always lied to myself, that I was just "chunky" but beautiful. I always deleted or trashed pics of myself I didn't like, and only showed myself in the light I wanted to be seen in... So, after these bad pics were displayed online, he changed towards me. Maybe he felt like I was deceiving him? I always said I was overweight... I always said I was a big girl... but maybe I hid the extent to which I was fat After that, he was different. I asked him if he was bothered by the pics, but he kept denying it and saying his feelings haven't changed, he still loved me, etc. (remember, this was a 3 year "relationship") but he didn't want to meet after that, made excuses for meeting. I was heartbroken, and kind of felt dumb to be so upset over this long distance relationship. For all I knew, he could have been different from the pics he sent, or maybe there wouldn't have been any physical chemistry when we met... who knows how it would have turned out. I'll never know, but I still wonder... What happened was, my ex-boyfriend showed up at the apartments I was living at, he wanted me back, and we reunited. We were "exes" because years before when we dated, he never wanted to get married, but he realized I was the one for him and never wanted to lose me again. We got married 6 months later and we've been married ever since 2003 He's the best husband and I know this was the way it was supposed to be. This was my fate So my opinion is, if he wants to meet you, you SHOULD meet, just to find out what the chemistry is between you. Maybe there will, maybe there won't. If he is someone that isn't attracted to overweight women, then it will always be an issue, because even if you have lost enough weight to meet his attraction level, you will always have that pressure in the back of your mind that you can NEVER gain the weight because of him (which is the wrong reason to not gain the weight back). We should strive to never gain the weight back because of our OWN requirements for ourselves, not for someone else's requirements of us. We all have an idea in our head about what we are attracted to, and I'm sure we have all had someone in our lives that we weren't attracted to, for whatever reason, whether they had bad teeth, or were too skinny, or too short, or something... and maybe they were a nice person that we never gave a chance to... so I try not to be mad when I hear about a guy not being attracted to a girl because she's overweight (even though I've experienced this type of rejection countless times in my life, LOL). Its important that a couple be attracted to each other. Anyways, I liked your story and I want to know if you ever end up meeting him And I know your pain, of loving someone long distance, and wondering about someone that you've never met... *hugs* Bec