I too am in a funk

I've been coming on a couple of times a week to catch up on how y'all are doing and I want to say that I'm SO very proud of everyone for looking and feeling so fantastic. It's not just here that I'm lagging, it's with my family and friends here too. There's nothing physically wrong.. I'm getting all of my protein in (though don't seem to be able to eat as much as you guys.. can't even finish a baked chicken leg), getting vites and water in. I've even lost 140 lbs! But.. and I think this is where the ick stems from.. I am still bigger than a lot of you started out as pre-op so the mountain I'm climbing seems to not have a top, at least not one that I'll see any time soon. I don't see this as a race in any way and I'm in this for the long haul for myself and my family, I am just so anxious to feel for a minute what it feels like to not have my life interfered with by SMO. Like today, I realized that I forgot to put my son's lunch in his school bag before he left this morning. There are special tables in the lunchroom where kids can eat lunch with visitors so I thought that this would be a perfect time for me to bring him his lunch and eat with him there. Then the thought comes into my head that I don't want him to be teased for having a fat mommy (he is super sensitive and wouldn't know how to handle that) or have people watch me eat. I just hate this. Any other person would just go and enjoy being with their child without giving a thought to being the ammo. a mean kid would use against him. Another reason for the funk is that of course, the more I lose weight, the more hanging skin I have. It's already becoming very evident that I'm going to need a HUGE amount of reconstructive surgery and having to do my legs scares me the most. I know that it is more dangerous and can cause Lymphedema but the surgery won't be an option for me. I know I'm on the right path to a healthier body and mind but I can't help but see every day how I royally screwed myself up with one pivotal bad decision that I made years ago. So here I am, exposed to you and all of internetland but I needed and wanted to let you know what is going on. I'll do my best to come on and get involved again because I know that it will make me feel better to get more involved in other peoples successes or encouragement. This forum is what the people make of it, right? I see the big picture, it's just gotten out of focus for a while. Much love and respect to you all, Lauren

Dearest Lauren - we all screwed ourselves up years ago with bad decisions that led to obesity, but with this surgery I do believe we have all been given another chance. You are doing remarkable and 140 pounds in so wonderful. Some of us are heavy weights and some of us are light weights, but we all have one thing in common - we were too FAT!!!!! You are a beautiful young woman with such pretty eyes! You keep up the good work and just know the hanging skin is "scar tissue" associated with our other chance at a normal life! Don't be a stranger here - and report back in often - you are doing so good. Thought you might like this poem by Helen Steiner Rice....Hugs, Barbara (PS - my skin isn't looking so hot either!) Another Chance Helen Steiner Rice How often we wish for another chance to make a fresh beginning. A chance to blot out our mistakes And change failure into winning. It does not take a new day To make a brand new start, It only takes a deep desire To try with all our heart. To live a little better And to always be forgiving And to add a little sunshine To the world in which we're living. So never give up in despair And think that you are through, For there's always a tomorrow And the hope of starting new.

The poem is perfect. What a nice reminder it is and you always have a way of making me smile.

Hi Lauren, no this is not a race, so please try not to compare to others. We all started at different weights, some higher, some lower. You have lost 140 lbs that is fantastic! You are working your tool, you were given a chance to do this and you're doing great. Keep it up and you will make it! I hear you on the skin issues, it's not pretty. I don't know where it will end, and at this point surgery isn't an option for me either unless I go into debt. We'll see when the time comes. Sorry to hear how you felt about taking lunch to your son. I know you are trying to protect him. But you should feel good about you. You can't let what others think keep you away, hidden, not doing the things you want and need to do. You are such a beautiful girl and are doing a wonderful job. Please feel better and come back and talk with us! I'm glad you posted. Have a nice day.

You know what, Ruth Ann? I got angry with myself for allowing others, once again, to dictate my feelings and actions and I sucked up all of the courage that I could and marched right into that packed lunchroom to find my son. To be honest, I wanted to turn around when I got to the door but I didn't! He was thrilled to see me and his little classmates were all telling me hi and smiling. We went and sat down at a special table and while looking around I noticed that the kids were much too busy playing with eachother to notice me. I was so relieved and got to have a fun time with him. I'm so proud of myself for facing a fear head-on. That's part of why I'm on this journey, to learn to stare it in the eye and not let it keep me down. So, small battle won, more to follow.

That is great to hear!! And see, you had a nice lunch with your son. I know kids and adults can be ignorant, but if we let them dictate what we do, then shame on us. I've often said, that if others have nothing better to do than look at me, then they should be pitied that their lives are so empty and boring that they've got to take the time to stare at me, or make comments. Im not going to say Ive never felt uncomfortable or unhappy that someone did those things, but at some point and this was pre-op I decided that its them that has a problem. Im just me, living my life doing what I do. I have every right, I deserve every chance and I'm no different from them on the inside, just bigger on the outside, so why shouldnt I be there, or here, doing this or that. Who are they? nobody, thats who, so why should I care what they think. Good for you today! continue to have a wonderful day!

Lauren, I'm so glad that you changed your mind and joined your son for lunch. He must have felt so special that day! This is such a change for all of us. In fact, there is very little that hasn't changed since we had surgery. I think, for the most part, that it will just take time for us to learn to live in our new bodies and with our new lifestyles. You're doing great! Try to focus on your decision to improve your health. It was a great decision! - Stephanie

Thanks Stephanie! It really is too easy to slip into old habits (like avoidance) so I need to make a more conscious effort to step outside of comfort zone. We're all heading in the right direction though, aren't we!