DH having some issues

I've been thinking a few days about posting this, but wasn't sure. But I guess it's something we may all go through at some point. Warning, this will be long. You know I always post very short messages. LOL ;) Anyways.. Tuesday night coming home from support meeting DH brings up that the group should have spouses do a panel and discuss how our weightloss affects them. (I had been the 3 month spot on a panel we did for pre-ops to ask questions). I say yes that would be good. What would you want to say. So he goes on to say some general stuff then it kind of takes a twist. It seems he is starting to feel threatened (not sure if that is the right word or not) but is kind of feeling strange about the idea of me weighing less than him. I used to weigh over 100 plus pounds more. Now I'm about 8 lbs away. My first response to him was OMG, I can't believe this! I know it wasn't right, he has feelings and I wasn't acknowledging it well. So I did apologize and we continued. I was just shocked and couldn't believe it was bothering him that I would weigh less. It's like didnt he think I would having wls?? the point is to lose weight and be at a much healthier weight/size. I guess reality for him was just setting in. I guess he feels like then he will be the fat one. Make sense?? He kind of said that. He needs to lose about 40lbs. So he's not huge or anything but needs to trim down. He also brings up the fact that I can do for myself now. That he doesn't have to do as much for me. That he doesn't have to drop me off at the door of places etc so that I don't have to get winded walking etc. I'm like.. so now you want me to be helpless and have to be taken care of??? I thought you said before that it will be nice when you dont have to drop me off, when we can walk in together etc. Now you want me to be helpless? I kept my calm, I know they are valid feelings he's having, but WHOA!! Weird! He said he is just used to being the caregiver so to say. And now I don't need him. I can understand what he is saying, it is kind of sad. I just hope that in the long run it doesn't cause us any problems. He is the best man in the world. He does do everything for me! He takes very good care of me in so many ways. I am a very lucky woman!! I would never in this world find a man that loves me so much and would do so much for me. I told him about the spouses forum here, he says I'm too busy to go there with being online at work all day, then teaching at night (he has to post grades, post to message forums for class etc) it does keep him busy. But I'm sure he can spend a few mins there to discuss his issues. So I'll bring it up again. Maybe its me that doesnt want to deal with his issues, I dont know. I just know that I can be stubborn and not as understanding about this as I should be, because it seems stupid to me right now! I'm just kind of in shock that he's thinking and feeling these things. I thought my losing weight and getting healthier was what he wanted too, so that we can hopefully live a long and happy life together! I was miserable getting around etc last year at 345 plus lbs at times, and having difficulty breathing, on 3 types of inhalers, diabetes med, BP meds (which im off all of now!) that I wanted to change things, to get healthier now at 44 so that I could live out of my 50s into my 60s, 70s and maybe beyond!! To be with my husband , who is 10 yrs younger than me for a long long time! But now he is bothered by my losing. ????????? That's about the jist of it. Anyone else had any comments like this? I don't know if he's afraid I won't want him later for some strange reason or what. I sure hope that doesn't happen. I don't plan on it happening. I have no reason to want to ever leave him. Like I said he is the best. I could never replace him. Thanks!

Hi Ruth Ann, I think you need a little bit of sympathy for your husband here. As you said, he's used to being your caregiver and it's natural that your new independence is tough for him to deal with. As a whole men don't communicate about stuff like this as easily as we women do - so understand that going to the spouses forum might not be something he can do. If he brought up the idea of a spouses panel for your support group I think you should talk to the leaders of your group and get one started up. Our spouses have huge adjustments to make. And we are pretty self centered right now, you know? We are so thrilled with our weight loss and our improved health that there are times that we simply don't think about how our changes are affecting our spouses. I've been overweight my entire marriage. While my wonderful husband is supportive and encouraging it's also tough for him to see the changes I'm going through. He wonders if, as I reach my goal, I'll be the same person he married. If I'll be happy with him or wonder if I missed out on something being fat and now want to go explore my options. Things of that nature. So while he's thrilled with my weight loss and progress, it's bittersweet for him. There are lots more "I love you"s from me to him right now. Lots more 'physical' reassurance. Lots of discussions about our awesome future when I'm slim and healthy. Don't discount his fears Ruth Ann. Go out of your way to assure him you love him as much as or more than ever. Get that spouses panel set up for your support group - your hubby is not the only one who needs it. Good luck, Tina 315/239/140

I am single, so I don't have this probalem, but I proabably would have responded the same way. My psych said that this is COMPLETLY normal. He warned me about it before surgery, until he found out I was not married. I guess the guys start to feel like they are not needed. They want to feel needed. He is insecure, and is worried about losing you. I would just say reassure him that you are not leaving. If it gets too bad, I would get counseling.

Ruth Ann- I can see how surprising it can be for your hubby to be sad over not having to take care of you as much. I doesn't seem to make sense from our point of view. You would think the man would be thrilled that his wife is more energetic and able to keep up with him! Think about what your obesity does for him... (or DID for him) How did he benefit from it? Him being a "caretaker" sounds sweet but it was serving a purpose for him. Maybe you can create new ways of needing him? Or maybe he will have to search himself through this... I don't know. I asked my hubby tonight (after reading this) if he saw any negatives about my weight loss, or any negative changes in our relationship (so far): He said that the only negative he can think of is the "inconvenience" of not going out to eat together as much as we used to. Our restaurant eating was a moderately important social part of our relationship. We used to love eating out together. Now he says he stops himself from suggesting we go out to eat, or when we are out, he feels self-concious about what he's ordering. He also says he feels pressure to order something that we can share, instead of ordering what HE wants (which is what he usually does anyways). So I end up ordering side plates, or a meal and wasting the food. My hubby added that he's going to have to go on a diet soon, because I'm going to be healthy and live longer, and he will be overweight and die sooner. He only needs to lose about 40 lbs. (like your hubby). I really am happy with him the way he is, but I worry about his cholesterol. Anyways, HTH Rebecca M. 269/199/150

Hi Ruth Ann. Your hubby sounds like a great guy! It's nice that he was open with you about his feelings. Feeling needed is definitely something I can relate to. I am very motivated by feeling needed by others. My husband and I have these discussions from time to time. Mostly, I just try to reassure him that I love him and want to be healthy enough to do things with him. Perhaps you could find other ways to demonstrate that you need your husband. Maybe you could ask him to do something for you or help you with a task. It's certainly a tough transition for everyone. Hang in there and keep loving him! - Stephanie