SOME INSIGHT

In serious conversation this morning with my husband, Jim, I asked him, "What do you see when you look at me?" Looking deeply -- and sadly -- into my eyes, he said without skipping a beat, "I see eyes that change color with the light." My heart stopped beating for just a moment. Perhaps this will provide you with some insight into why I am so conflicted about what to do about our marriage...how can I consider walking away from someone who loves me like that? We are both hurting so much -- thanks guys. Maureen

ahhh Maureen. I don't have any advice from persoanl experience. My best friend Donna just is living this though and for her she decided that she could be consistant and positive for her son without her husband in the picture. They have been married for 21 years, their son is 13. The difference in her son since her husband moved out is remarkable already. She is surrounding herself aned her son with positive people and the transistion has been remarkably smooth. I don't wish divorce on anyone, but if it is the road you choose to travel I will support you with positive thoughts and prayers. much love, nic

Oh boy.....How do I respond to this one Maureen??!! This is such a painful and personal decision. There are many good and valid reasons for ending a marriage......but there are at least as many for keeping one intact. I'm certainly not the one to tell you what to do. I would like to point out, however, that if you are not absolutely sure (and you certainly don't seem to be), you should not rush into any decision. I have no personal experience to draw on, but I have had a number of friends who have broken up that I do know something of the cost, emotionally, phsically, and finacially. One truth that has become apparent to me is that as long as children are involved, you are never totally free from dealing with your spouse unless one of you gives up all interest in the children. On the other hand, there are some relationships that are so poisonous, that they must be severed for the good of the children as well as the parents. I wish that I could provide the answer for you, but obviously, I cannot. Just know that I'm here for you if you need me whether through this forum or by e-mail or phone. You know where to find me, my friend. Mike

Maureen, I wish I had some insight for you in this matter, but, since I who have never been married & haven't been real great at relationships either, of late Don't have a lot of wisdom. All I can say, is There is a lot of people out there in today's world that don't fight to keep there marriage's together any longer. No one ever said marriage was easy or would not run into stumbling blocks along the way. If you can get through this block & step back for awhile, than just maybe the marriage is salvagable. Maybe go on a seperate vacation from each other for a short time & let things cool down. See how you feel when you return. I do hope you can make a positive decision on the matter as, it is very obvious that it is tearing you apart. I don't think there is any relationship that is problem free, even the best marriages in this world still have a problem now & then. So step back, take a deep breath & maybe just wait it out a little while longer & see if some of the problems don't work themselves out all on there own. Asking God to help is never a bad idea either. LOL Marilyn, the Bearlady

i , too, am not qualified to provide "the right answer"-no one can - but you- i can tell you that i decided after 23 years of marriage and 26 together that i simply could not take anymore of my ex's verbal abuse-the divorce was fairly simple and we now are able to sit at dinner together with kids and grands and our respective new spouses- however- it was tuff for awhile- did it have effects? sure...many many negatives- but nothing that can not be soothed with love and counselling....do i have regrets/ yes- and no. i'm here too- tho i can only wish you well and send prayers and hugs....i listen well.....

Sweetie, I have a theory: A marriage is a tiny civilization, with its own customs, taboos and rituals, and outsiders are not part of that civilization. No one is but you and your spouse. No one can know your secrets; what each of you has done to the other; what you've put up with or what he's put up with; what will be the true final straw. Now, I'm certainly not the one to be offering marital advice. I can only speak from my heart and from my experience in regard to my own failing marriage. I can look back on all the time I have spent w/ my husband (we started dating in 1986), and for every wonderful, supportive, loving, romantic word he has ever said to me, I can recall twice as many negative words and actions...especially in the past 5 years. I'm not discounting Jim's sincerity. Do those words erase any resentment, anger, hurt that you have felt? I guess I'm trying to say - look at the big picture. While one act of kindness, one sweet moment can speak volumes, the scarring from the all the negative words and actions still remain. I know what you are going through. Once the decision was made that Larry and I would separate, sweet moments and nice gestures would come out of left field and whack me on the side of the head and make me second guess my decision....painstakingly, torturously. Just when I really had started to hate him, and not have any doubts about my decision, he'd go off and do something nice....damn him!! I don't think that you can spend as much time with someone, have kids with someone, dedicate your life to someone and be 100% sure that divorce is the "right" thing to do. I know deep in my heart that I'm doing what is best for me and my children. I know I will be a happier person and a better mom for it. I know it's going to be hard as hell, and there will be days that I won't want to get out of bed, but the good days are going to outweigh the bad. The sun is gonna shine. Life will go on. I will love again and so will Larry. Again - these are just "deep thoughts..." from Wendy. I'm here, as always if you need me. Email me any time. Big hugs to you. -W-

Maureen, I work with a woman who is a marriage preservationist through her church. She's not a marriage counselor, but she and her husband work with couples to preserve marriages, which is a slightly different slant from marriage counseling. If a couple is wanting to save the relationship, they try to help them get back those feelings that were there in the beginning. Their approach is not to change people, but help them accept their partner. Now of course, some marriages should not be saved and certainly some behaviors that are abusive should never be accepted. Maybe it's another avenue to try. Love, Connie

Maureen - Have you two thought of just a separation for now to give you time to really figure it out? Maybe that would be a good starting point - no drastic measures. I do believe people can change if they *want* to, but it has to be with all your heart and both have to give that effort. One person doing it will not help. So if both of you still love each other and want to try, there are ways to "fight" your way into a healthy position. But if you know in your deepest heart of hearts it will be one sided or that the anger goes too deeply, you need to be real with yourself...and your husband. This is why maybe a separation would be good. You can live apart and keep from fighting inbetween counseling sessions and perhaps learn how to treat each other right. You may not be able to come out of the dysfunction, but you might. One thing I do know from my own experience is that people can change. My personal changes started well before I had my surgery in counseling. I had some major issues to deal with, but once I confronted them I was able to help put them to rest. I am a much more pleasant person to be around and I do not react harshly like I used to. So I do know it is possible. But it takes dedication and desire. My desire to become "normal" was greater than my fear of going through the junk I had to dredge up to get there. It's a breaking point where you say to yourself "I cannot live like this anymore....something has to change!" I'm sorry I haven't been around the boards lately - seems like you could have used some good hugs. Dina

THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR YOUR INCREDIBLY THOUGHTFUL AND SENSITIVE RESPONSES. I SUPPOSE I NEED TO TRUST MORE IN THE CONCEPT OF CHANGE IN ORDER FOR ME TO BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WEATHER THROUGH THIS. I GO BACK AND FORTH ABOUT THIS ALMOST EVERY MOMENT OF MY WAKING LIFE -- NOT A GOOD DANCE. YOU ALL HAVE BEEN SO, SO SUPPORTIVE AND CARING. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. Love, Maureen

I wish we could sit down together. My marriage went to the brink of destruction and has come back to a great place that I did not believe was possible. It took counselling and prayer, and lots of communication. For us, the moments of truth came during a trial separation when we realized that a lot of both of our behaviors came from our own insecurities and fears. Gradually we put those aside and learned to trust and to put the other person's feelings and needs at least on a par with our own. I still don't know where or how we ever lost that, but once we got focused on ourselves, it was a spiral downward that fed upon itself. In the worst of the pain, I had to consciously decide to be open and to treat him fairly because I did not want to look back with regret. I think this helped Dan to start rebuilding trust and stop some defensive behaviors. We gradually reversed the direction of the spiral. Things are not perfect, but as long as we are human, they won't be. I pray that you will find peace and happiness. Jim cannot give you this--you must make that for yourself. Make sure that you are not projecting your own insecurities on him, because wherever you go, they will follow you. Love you girl... Joy