My name is Joy and I'm a food-aholic...
OK... My food addiction, and specifically my carb addictions are out of control. I have been in denial, foolishly believing that the WLS would put a ceiling on my weight, and refusing to weigh. I can't stop grazing. And I can't stop eating at meals until I am so full I am sick. At least once a day, and often twice I have to sleep off a drop in blood sugar caused by dumping caused by overeating. And yet I still do it.... Why???
Maybe I want to believe I am "Normal" and can enjoy cleaning my plate? Maybe there are stresses and holes in my self-esteem that I am trying to fill with food? I don't know, but I do know that if the definition of insanity is to repeat the same behaviors expecing different results, then I am INSANE.
I believe it is truly an addiction. I start eating to enjoy the taste, then I am not able to stop. I find my self eating automatically, without even realizing it. I constantly think about food. My drug of choice is Ritz crackers, but I can easily substitute bread or sweets for that. If I open a sleeve of crackers, the whole thing is gone in minutes.
Truth met me this morning. I got up the courage to step on the scales and realized that I have gained another 10 lbs over the last 3 months. Granted, it has been a tough 3 months. I have been actually confronting and dealing with my co-dependency for the first time. But, what in the world makes me thing that gaining 10 lbs, and living in a coma, is going to help? Actually, I think truth began to catch up with me when I drove home from my daughters the other evening (about 60 miles), after dinner, and was so sleepy, I dozed and swerved on the highway 3 times.
Sorry to have stayed away. Obviously it was not about you all--it was about me. I thought I was moving on. In many ways, I have. But in other ways, I am cycling back and starting over.
I want my life back. As of yesterday, I shut down the grazing. Dan has also gained 10 lbs. We are making efforts to eat healthier meals (lower carb/ smaller portions). I am STARVING (at least emotionally). Trying to stuff cheese in my mouth when I am about to cave in.
I'm planning 4 weeks in Brazil again in June. Last time we were so busy that we did not have time to eat much. This time my travel partner is a chocoholic--I'm sure that will bring more temptation. But I have to accept responsibility for my choices. I know I have done this well in the past, I just am not finding the inner strength to make an unemotional commitment at this point. Frankly I am angry at having to.
So there.... I said it. I know that you, my friends, can understand better than anyone in this world!
Thanks for sticking around when I bailed!
Joy
Maybe I want to believe I am "Normal" and can enjoy cleaning my plate? Maybe there are stresses and holes in my self-esteem that I am trying to fill with food? I don't know, but I do know that if the definition of insanity is to repeat the same behaviors expecing different results, then I am INSANE.
I believe it is truly an addiction. I start eating to enjoy the taste, then I am not able to stop. I find my self eating automatically, without even realizing it. I constantly think about food. My drug of choice is Ritz crackers, but I can easily substitute bread or sweets for that. If I open a sleeve of crackers, the whole thing is gone in minutes.
Truth met me this morning. I got up the courage to step on the scales and realized that I have gained another 10 lbs over the last 3 months. Granted, it has been a tough 3 months. I have been actually confronting and dealing with my co-dependency for the first time. But, what in the world makes me thing that gaining 10 lbs, and living in a coma, is going to help? Actually, I think truth began to catch up with me when I drove home from my daughters the other evening (about 60 miles), after dinner, and was so sleepy, I dozed and swerved on the highway 3 times.
Sorry to have stayed away. Obviously it was not about you all--it was about me. I thought I was moving on. In many ways, I have. But in other ways, I am cycling back and starting over.
I want my life back. As of yesterday, I shut down the grazing. Dan has also gained 10 lbs. We are making efforts to eat healthier meals (lower carb/ smaller portions). I am STARVING (at least emotionally). Trying to stuff cheese in my mouth when I am about to cave in.
I'm planning 4 weeks in Brazil again in June. Last time we were so busy that we did not have time to eat much. This time my travel partner is a chocoholic--I'm sure that will bring more temptation. But I have to accept responsibility for my choices. I know I have done this well in the past, I just am not finding the inner strength to make an unemotional commitment at this point. Frankly I am angry at having to.
So there.... I said it. I know that you, my friends, can understand better than anyone in this world!
Thanks for sticking around when I bailed!
Joy
Boy did you come t the right place, Sistah. Food is absolutely my drug of choice. It's a tough addiction because we can't quit cold turkey. I quit smoking, cold turkey, over 25 years ago and have never looked back. I smoked 3 packs a day for 10 years and quitting cigarettes was a breeze compared to quitting chips.
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm just so darned tired of fighting the Battle of the Bulge. I stayed away or a while, partly because I was just so dang busy, but also because I was just plain tired of food being the be all end all of my life. I was tired of thinking about every last bite of food that went in my mouth, tired of counting carbs and protein and tired of worrying about how much I weigh. I'm starting to ramp back up again, but dang it's hard.
OK Joy, we can do this. Back in the saddle.
Hugs,
Connie
I don't know about anyone else, but I'm just so darned tired of fighting the Battle of the Bulge. I stayed away or a while, partly because I was just so dang busy, but also because I was just plain tired of food being the be all end all of my life. I was tired of thinking about every last bite of food that went in my mouth, tired of counting carbs and protein and tired of worrying about how much I weigh. I'm starting to ramp back up again, but dang it's hard.
OK Joy, we can do this. Back in the saddle.
Hugs,
Connie
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU FOR POSTING THIS!!! First, I am so happy to see your beautiful face again. But mostly, that you have sounded the rally call for those of us who suffer - I mean SUFFER, not struggle but SUFFER alongside you. Like Connie, I was able to quit smoking 20 years ago with barely a hitch. I know what resolve and determination and success feels like - but living with food healthily has never been able to be a permanent facet of my life. I feel terrible about the weight gain and I need, MUST find a way to put the brakes on and reverse this deadly cycle. I'm in with you and Connie. Today my goal is to simply NOT EAT CHOCOLATE. I have become so addicted to it that it rules my life. A life that is so incredibly fraught with emotional and psychological pain because of what my family is going through - but eating through that pain will not solve our problems. TODAY I WILL TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. No matter what. I love you, Joy, and I am so grateful to you for coming back and posting this. PLEASE DON'T GO AWAY AGAIN. I need you. Maureen
My Accountability Plan:
Ultimately, to lose weight, I need to go on a very low carb diet. Honestly, I'm not ready to do that yet. I am not even overly obsessed with the scales or how my clothes feel (tight, if you wonder!) I'm not ready to deal with the obvious fact that when I squat down, my knees don't want to lift me.
What I AM fighting to own and deal with NOW are two self-destructive behaviors and the resulting symptoms:
1) Overeating at meals. More is NOT better. I need to re-develop awareness of "enough" and STOP before I set off the blood sugr roller coaster that results in 1-2 hours of coma-like sleep following meals.
2) Constant grazing on crackers or other easy carbs when I awake from the coma (probably triggered because my blood sugar is extremely low from the dumping action.
The dumping coma is eroding my quality of life, and at times, like when I have to drive after eating, is actually threatening it, and anyone who is in my path.
So, no sugar, only protein between meal snacks, and reasonable meals for me today.
Thanks for the support, my friends!
Joy
Ultimately, to lose weight, I need to go on a very low carb diet. Honestly, I'm not ready to do that yet. I am not even overly obsessed with the scales or how my clothes feel (tight, if you wonder!) I'm not ready to deal with the obvious fact that when I squat down, my knees don't want to lift me.
What I AM fighting to own and deal with NOW are two self-destructive behaviors and the resulting symptoms:
1) Overeating at meals. More is NOT better. I need to re-develop awareness of "enough" and STOP before I set off the blood sugr roller coaster that results in 1-2 hours of coma-like sleep following meals.
2) Constant grazing on crackers or other easy carbs when I awake from the coma (probably triggered because my blood sugar is extremely low from the dumping action.
The dumping coma is eroding my quality of life, and at times, like when I have to drive after eating, is actually threatening it, and anyone who is in my path.
So, no sugar, only protein between meal snacks, and reasonable meals for me today.
Thanks for the support, my friends!
Joy
HI Joy & Your Picture is wonderful to see.
You are for sure not alone in this battle. I was on the same roller coaster ride you are
talking about. I had gained a lot of weight back & with being unemployed & so much
going on in my world over the past year, just did not care what I ate or How much I ate. Well after being back on anti-depressants I have lost 25 lbs of that regain since
February. So it can be done. After a few days of the low-carb & no sugar it gts a lot
easier to stay away form it. If you get the first day done, you can do the rest. Hang in
There!! I am glad you are back & posting.
You are for sure not alone in this battle. I was on the same roller coaster ride you are
talking about. I had gained a lot of weight back & with being unemployed & so much
going on in my world over the past year, just did not care what I ate or How much I ate. Well after being back on anti-depressants I have lost 25 lbs of that regain since
February. So it can be done. After a few days of the low-carb & no sugar it gts a lot
easier to stay away form it. If you get the first day done, you can do the rest. Hang in
There!! I am glad you are back & posting.
Marilyn C (Bearlady)
Hi! I know exactly how you feel. I caught myself wanting to hide some cream cheese cinnamon rolls and I was like WAIT! Thats 360 pound behavior! At the movie theater for girls night out, after having a big dinner, popcorn and candy I was standing there with my firnd. Another friend was talking to someone and I said to my friend, you've got to get me out of here. I want a pretzel. I don't need one, and I'm not hungry but I want one badly. Food is my crack. GET ME OUT OF HERE. Sheez, that's 360 pound behavior I keep telling myself when we walked out but it was SO hard!! It really is an addiction and I have to openly admit I have a problem with it so I can get people who love met o help me. Otherwise...I am too afraid to finish that sentence. Thank you for "coming out"
Kym
RYN March 2004
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