Haven't Rambled in a While

So follow along if you dare...

I've been cranky with fat people lately.  Not nice of me, I know.  Last week someone borrowed my office for a meeting.  She tips the scales at well over many hundreds of pounds so why she thought that she could sit in an ergonomic chair that was custom built for me and my miserable back, I don't know.  There are 5 other chairs in my office and all without arms so she would have been and always has been fine in one of them.  So I walk into my office and there she is, perched on the very edge of the chair because she doesn't fit between the arms and tells me she broke it.  I smile and tell her that it's OK because I'm sure she's embarrassed as hell and feels bad, but internally I fume.  There is no chance at all of getting this chair replaced.  

There's a very heavy young woman who works at my retail job with me.  She comes to work in very low cut pants that droop below her crack and her belly flows over the top.  Her blouses are very small for her and ride up over her tummy.  What bothers me the most is that she uses her body as a weapon, shoving through people and pressing up against them in what she thinks is a playful way, but she smells unwashed.  At a team meeting, she grabbed a whole loaf of pound cake for herself and ate it with her fingers, pulling piece after piece off with her fingers tips and never offering to share (not that anyone wanted any after her fingers had been in it).  She is verification of every stereotype about fat people and it frustrates me.  She's loud and smelly and I want to tell the rest of my coworkers that she is not typical.  I want to shake her and tell her to stop making us fat people look bad.  I may not look like I still weigh 286 pounds, but inside I still am and I hate that this woman validates thoughts that skinny people have about the obese. 

So the store I work at  has lots of environmentally conscious people that come in to shop.  I'm used to people bringing their own shopping bags or not wanting a bag if they are only buying a few things.  A short heavyset woman came in and bought a large bag of gourmet potato chips and nothing else.  She never looks up at me and never makes eye contact.  I hand her the bag of chips and her receipt and she quietly asks me to put them in a bag.  I realize that she is going to hate herself for opening that bag in her car and eating half the bag before she leaves the parking lot.  She's going to spin in that cycle of self-loathing and depression that comes from giving in to the tyrany of a food addiction.  I can't do anything excep****ch her go through the automatic doors and realize that she has no clue that we are more alike than she knows.  It all comes flooding back to me...  Driving through a fast food lane and ordering 2 drinks with my large order of food so no one would know I was going to eat both burgers and all those fries by myself.  Telling the cashiers at grocery stores that I have 4, 5, 6 kids at home so they won't know that the entire cart of junk food is for me and me alone.   The only thing that keeps me from being that woman with her bag of chips is a line of staples in my abdomen. 

What a horrible addiction food is.  Every bit as deadly and destructive as heroin or crystal meth.  Every bit as addictive as cigarettes and probably more addictive than alcohol.  I'm sorry for being so cranky.

you are not alone...................

Oh. My. Gosh. You paint such a colorful picture (me being a writer (not that you could tell from my posts on here lol) anywhoo: I salute you!):  OK I know none of this is really funny but the second paragraph of the woman using her body as a weapon and the belly hanging out all sexy like...    You know.... (snicker) you gotta give it to the woman for having the "confidence" to pull that off and stick that chin up and say "Da#n I'm sexy"  (snicker)  BUT unfortunately sometimes confidence doesn't a pretty flower make.  (snort).  People are really THAT bold. It amazes me. 

There is a woman here at my work.I feel bad for her... no let me re-phrase that... I felt bad for her at first. The girl is very young in her early twenties. She must weigh 350-400. She wears these....TIGHT TIGHT clothes and not because she is big or couldn't find somethign to fit... no this is a young girl trying to wear the skinny women's clothing. TIGHT clothes that leave NOTHING to the imagination. OK i can get past that... but its the uncleanliness that is sad. Now... its hard to be clean and get to those places when we are big... but when i was 300+ I put forth the effort to bathe. This chick DOESN'T. the smell is sooooo bad that I almost puked once in the bathroom and had to literally run out of the bathroom with my hands wet. I'm not trying to exagerate or be mean... but its THAT BAD. after I left the bathroom the smell actually stuck to me!!!  thats how bad im talking. How the office managers dont advise the woman is beyond me...  Its past the normal "big woman smell" its just being unclean and that is very obvious. People at work talk about it because its almost unbearable to be around her. I DO feel bad for her. Dont get me wrong. I'm STILL big and was bigger too... but you have to bathe. You have to put forth the extra effort to keep clean. I dont understand when people dont? oh and by the by... the girl is very nasty. I tried to be nice to hear and talk to her just to be friendly and she is just not a very nice person. wont even go there. bitter? sad? Most likely and my heart goes out to her for that. I think being big...isnt an excuse to not bathe or not put forth effort when we can. I did when I was that large. It was much harder but to be all out lazy and just... do nothing... (pretty much) is where you can no longer blame weight but blame laziness. SPEAKING OF.... as I shouldn't even be talking....(take the splinter out of my own eye before casting judgement on my brother and such...) (although I do bathe and cover up) I have been soooo slacking on the exercise front. out of laziness! well at least right now I can fit it in during lunch... anyways... Hence my lack of weight loss... or weight creeping off at a snails pace. I saw my work out partner today and she was also slacking off too... she had her work out clothes today!!! and was like OK! WE GOTTA DO THIS! SOOOO she really gave me the incentive to get my butt down to the gym at lunch and get to it!!!!  Its always SOOOO much better with a buddy!!! alright im done blabbing. I'm gonna pray for that young girl here at work and your staff as well Connie and hope they find the help they need emotionally and physically. I'm also praying for your back and your chair! that SUCKS!   ANYWAYS... still praying for them because lets face it... its such an all consuming thing. It can swallow us whole when we are that big and block out life as we know it. We just gotta keep remembering that. (Heck! I still am because I'm still over 200). 'sigh' gotta get to that gym!  WISH ME LUCK! 

Oh, these stories take me way back to my baby powder days... no matter how many baths, no matter how strong the soap, I could never get rid of that super-fat-lady smell; had to pour baby powder all over the place. I hated buying it all the time, I remember clearly thinking about how sad it made me feel, thinking "... this is for new moms with beautiful new babies, not for losers like me who can't keep themselves clean." Oh, those dark, dark days... As for the addiction - yes, it is every bit as deadly and destructive as anything else. Personally, I'm white-knuckling it right now, at this very moment... M.

And you're not cranky. You're sharing yourself with us. That's a gift. M.