MAUREEN! CONNIE! Where are you???

OK YOU TWO You're freaking me out. Please be ok!!!! 

Elizabeth, I'm sorry. I don't mean to worry you. I know you really, really care. You have one of the biggest, most generous hearts on this board. I'm really sorry. I don't know where Connie is. I'm worried about her too. I've been checking in, just reading, making sure everyone's ok - but not really having my whole heart in it. I'm not posting because I just don't feel well. That's all. Not well and I just don't want to be a downer here, not any more. I'm just going to put it this way. You've all seen those movies about the 1600's in New England, you know, the Salem Witch trials, and all that - where some poor woman is thrown on her back and they start laying slabs of rocks on her, one at a time, until she's crushed to death - that's the way I'm feeling. Like I'm just being buried alive.  Look, I've been on two anit-depressants for a long time now and they haven't helped at all - I've tried all sorts of them at different times for many, many years and none of them help. So I'm getting off of the them for good - and try to save whatever brain cells I have left. If I'm going to feel miserable, I'm going to do so without drugs. I also realized this weekend that I have simply never recovered from two incidences that happened back-to-back for me: Jillian going away to college, and my beloved dog, Sophie, being mowed down to death, all alone in the middle of our usually completely deserted country road - and she laid there like that for God knows how long with her spine snapped in two, laid like that awake, fully conscious for hours, and I was only a couple of hours away from getting home to her... she was my love, my absolute love and I have just not recovered from losing both my girls... since that time about a year and a half ago (two years since Jillian left), I stopped taking care of myself; I stopped celebrating my weight loss, I lost my youthful exhuberance and joyfull zest for movement, I stopped walking and exercising - oh, I still do, but not the way that I did. It's a miracle that I have not gained 50 or more pounds back - yet. It's creeping back on, very slowly, but it's happening. And this country and the world - ah, how ugly it all is. People and their ignorance and their hatred and their bigotry and their self-absorbed, self-centered, all-consuming riteousness. Slab after slab after slab of rock and boulder and I just feel crushed. So there you have it. I didn't mean to worry you. But I can't come here feeling the way that I do. I love you, 'lizbet - truly. Maureen

Ah Reenie. You are a sensitive caring soul. We can't hold onto the pains of the world. If we do we will smother. I like to think that despite your little dear one lying there hurt that God has a way to ease your baby's suffering. You have to focus on the idea that she is in a better place and running those fields in heaven having the time of her life. We just can't focus on the bad. your pup doesn't want you to and is more than likely to be tied to your spirit feeling your suffering and wanting to ease your mind. Let it go, and let her go so she doesnt have to worry about you hurting anymore, because she isn't.  

And you haven't lost your daughter, you've let her go to better herself to be a strong woman that she will prove to be. You've sent her off in preparation of the world. Be proud of her in all that she does. Sure we miss our loved ones, but again, she wouldn't want to see you so sad. Be strong for her sake and for your own. She will suceed in life. we all have a path to lead and have to go through these trials and tribulations.

There will always be horrors in this world. There are so many lost souls out there that have SO much to learn. SO many people that have to learn how to love. Unfortunately the pain in the learning can be severe. But we have to have faith. and also... you can't hide away from the world either. You can't hold it all inside of you and expect it to get better it will only get worse. I had a feeling thats where you were. I know you aren't feeling well, but don't turn inward. We are all here to learn to love one another and give support. WIthout each other theres no point. I want to ease your burden if only a little. It gives my life better purpose. Lay it on me Reenie! We all love you!!!

Don't dissappear on me... if you do, drop me an email personally. covert style.

You know what my husband tells me when the passing of my cousin is too much to bear... he yells at me just about and says in Portugal it's rude to morn too overly much because it ties that spirit to this world and causes it undue distress because our loved ones do not want to see us suffering when they are in a good place. It always helps me to force myself out of the pain of loosing my cousin. Some days its so hard. but his advise really hits home. Hence my advise to you regarding your little dear one. That pup is having a ball and wants you to move one and be happy as well. ((hugs))

How do you do it? Make me smile - even in this case, through the tears you brought to my eyes? Do me a favor, tell your husband this little story. When Devins asks me, "Hey, Mom - if Obama loses, and McCain becomes our next president, our we moving out of the country?" I say, "Oh, probably." And he follows with, "Where are we going, Mom? Canada?" And I don't know why, but this is what I say to Devin - at least twice now - "No, not Canada. Portugal maybe. I like the sound of Portugal. What do you think, Dev?" And he says, "Ok." And goes back to his 15 year old boy stuff. I didn't know your husband was Portugese. Ah, we all have such fascinating stories to share... M.

Kind of reminds me of when Bush won the second term.  My son was in college.  He thought it was the end of the world as we know it.  In a way, he was right, but we all survived.  Your daughter left for college the same time mine did.  But heres the thing.....part of being a good parent is to raise your children to be strong, independent, caring human beings with morals and scruples and the desire to work and take care of them selves in their chosen profession.  To miss your daughter is healthy.  To mourn her leaving is not.  I know you mentioned all the anti depressants you've taken.  But they don't mean anything without therapy.  It is a combination of therapy and medication that makes a person well again.  And if the medication isn't right, you try then next thing.  Givng up is NEVER an option.   You need to stop worrying about everything and worry about yourself.  Take care of yourself and do what you need to do for YOU.  Everything else will fall into place.  And if it doesn't, then at least you will be in the frame of mind to deal with it because you've taken care of yourself.
Joanie

ah to hide away on the beaches of portugal. He would be all for it.!!! :)  Yeah he's from Portugal. I haven't been there though. its awful, its been too long but its so darn expensive to fly the whole family over there. :(  im hoping to get there either this summer or next. fingers crossed.

You hang in there and try this.... don****ch the news for a week. if you HAVE to have your fix... read the paper but briefly... Dr. Weil always says that... its a good idea beause the bad news is sooo sad and depressing. follow the race but dont let it get to you. whoever wins we'll be ok. its not just the president that decides things. We have a whole congress and such to work our problems out. we'll get through it all. We're americans. We always do. :)  Let everything else in the news and paper go because its sooo sad and depressing and when you already are struggling its the last thing you need to read or watch. I'm so glad i made you smile. but its true, your pup wants you to be happy and so does your daughter. they dont want you to feel sad so do yourself a favor and try to keep that in mind at all times. hang in there and dont you dissappear on me! 

I have to clarify, when Devin and I talk like that - when he asks me if we're moving if Obama doesn't win for instance, we're just joking around together - it's not serious, and we both know it - but I've always wanted to visit Portugal, so I was bemused when I saw your husband was from there. Ever since I saw Spencer Tracey in "The Old Man and the Sea," I've wanted to visit... so here's what I've done today - this a.m. - I started the morning with 60 sit ups. Just to feel my tummy tighten. That felt good. Then Jim and I had a quiet talk together, just to connect. That felt good. I made a commitment that I simply have to get off carbs and sugars, totally - cold turkey - especially the sugar, it's killing me, this candy addiction. One day at a time. So I'm going to really try and do nothing but protein, veggies, and a daily piece of fruit for the next 5 days. I emailed Jillian and told her I missed her - she zapped me some of her mid-term writing portfolio - wow, it's good stuff. She knocks my socks off. But she needs a good editor! I emailed the North Shore Animal League, they are having an adoption day in my area this weekend, I want to find out what dogs they are bringing with them. I think Sophie would want me to have a walking buddy. Now if I can just make it through the day without that candy... thanks for the life line, sweetie. Love you, M.

I'll totally join you on kicking the sugar and carbs. I was SO bad just moments ago. I hadn't had any breakfast and got my nails done at lunch and was SOOOO HUNGRY I ended up getting a small cheesesteak and cheese fries. What the heck was I thinking????     this is after having a long talk with myself in the car this morning about how I was going to be careful and get back to the basics. I only ate half the small sandwich but it was half too much and  I ate half my fries and all of the cheese. processed cheese that is!!!!    bad bad bad me. 'sigh' SO tonight I am skipping dinner. Well... not really, my dinner will be a nice healthy protein shake blended with ice and a banana and yogurt and a protein bar. Thats how i want to do this... back to the basics. Protein shake for breakfast... protein bar for snack. protein shake for lunch and a nice sensible dinner. If i get hungry and need a snack... another protein bar or something like natural peanut butter or beef jerky. I really need to get back to the basics. I can't do this. AND I FEEL LOUSY!!!! and that stupid stupid stupid cheese steak is making me sick.   why the heck do i do this to myeslf??? Its like the exorcist... something just takes over my brain and afterwards i'm like... "Whoa!!!!  What the holy heck just happened!!!!??? Why did I do that????!!!! Thats SOOO not what I was planned and determined to do!!!"  i get so mad at myself. i feel like such a    

You're describing exactly what happens to me, verbatim, about the candy. This has to be some sort of chemical disorder in the brain - and I don't want to be lectured by people who don't have a clue what this feels like - I say great for you and I mean that sincerely, I am really, really happy for people who don't suffer with this. Call it addiction, or a chemical disorder, or whatever the heck it is - but it is SOMETHING that happens, it is a phenomenon. It is not a lack of willpower. It is not a simple matter of GOOD CHOICE, BAD CHOICE. It is not about being weak minded or strong minded. Something happens! It's a process - I go back to that post from that guy who was talking about addiction in a sort of metaphysical way and he broke it down by process. I've often described what happens to me (to my husband or to a very few, very close people whom I know I can trust and who won't judge me - who love me unconditionally) - I've described what happens as I go on autopilot and it's as if it's no longer me... something has taken over my senses, my body, my mind and I am being controlled. Maybe, Elizabeth, what this really all comes down to is RITUAL and HABIT. We are so ingrained in these habits of poor eating choices, they have become so much a part of our every day lives - these destructive cycles: 1. get up in the morning full of firm resolve to BE GOOD, eat healthy, don't eat the crap, take care of myself, DON'T EAT THE CANDY; 2. at some point no matter what the resolve dissolves, the candy is in the mouth, and once that happens, it's fistfuls throughout the entire day; 3. feel like crap, I'm a loser; 4. go to bed hating myself, feeling miserable, my life is a waste; 5. go to sleep; 6. get up in the morning full of firm resolve to BE GOOD ... and so it goes, on and on and on - I'm right there with you. Maybe, just maybe it's about HABIT. They say it takes 18 days to break a habit. I HAVEN'T HAD SUGAR TODAY. And I already feel better. One day at a time. One day at a time. At least we can keep talking about it, ok? M.

oh its DEFINITELY habit. for sure. and 18 days is about right. Maybe a little longer for me...

Here is where I am now.  and I know there are people out there that are going to think no no no no no... and before I start rambling let me say... I AGREE...

Here is where I am... Despite your advise (Which I still hold dear) I was looking at this procedure called stomaphyx. Where they use an endoscope and just put in two little folds and staple. snap snap your done. out patient lickety split. no scarring or anything. I wrote to the doc and said how much does this cost?? he said insurance covers most but out of pocket is 2,500. yikes!!! anywho.. its for people like me who have about 80 pounds left to loose, who have had the roux n y and are stuck stuck stuck. now... for me... i have been able to keep mostly all of my weight off aside from the 26 lb gain after having the baby. i was seriously contemplating this. because I KNOW it would help me loose most of that 80. So i started reading it. One girl that just had it done says this "i've had the procedure in september (last month) and so far i have lost 21 pounds..." I think WOW thats awesome... she then goes on to say... "I have been on liquids for 2 weeks." uh... ok. so there is why you lost the 21 pounds. my brain starts to get all excited. I CAN DO THAT WITHOUT SURGERY!! I can just stick to liquids and drop 21 pounds that quick. The OTHER HALF of my brain is like.... UUUHH HELLOOO?? YOU FORGOT ABOUT ME... your OTHER half. the one that takes over when you get all excited like this!!!

I SIGH and am deflated and go... Oh yeah. YOU. Thats right. I forgot about YOU.

so THEN i think... hmm... so the surgery is a way to force myself to do that liquid thing. my two crazy halfs of my brain are now trying to work together and its a scary thing! Ok. so NOW i'm just insane.   i think... MAN!!! i just want to get the last of this weight off!!!! i KNOW i can do it because I DID IT!!!  so now my brain is trying to figure out some way out of this. I know the only way is to STOP SUGAR AND CARBS. period. I did it not too long ago and lost that 8 pounds and managed to keep it off. soooo... why cant i now??? Its got to be a chemical thing. Because I dont know what is so different in my thinking from then to now.  so thats where my brain is stuck right now. Contemplating this procedure... knowing im not going to get it... besides my husband would freak out and he would be right. I just need to quit eating the bad stuff and get moving. Its just so hard to move at the weight i am now. I dont know how i managed years ago. Well... i didn't which is why i had the surgery. SOOOOOO with alllll that being said... I say you and I try killing the sugar and carbs no matter what. Kicking and screaming and pulling out the hair  no matter what.