How It Went Down...

First of all THANK YOU for being there. I swear, we need to write a book together - honestly, the level of friendship and family that exists on this board when we have never met face to face is uncanny! (Well, I've met Pam and Mike, thankfully - oh, if only we could all meet, what a party that would be!) - anyway, thank you all so much for being there and for your advice. I read it all, digested it, mulled it over, had Jim read it, he thought about it, we talked it all through, we decided together how to move forward - and then we went home and sat the kid down. Jim gets home first. I stopped at Walmart to get a drug testing kit - $30 but I would've spent the $$ in a heartbeat, except all the drugs (except for pot) are only good to be tested 2-4 days after being used. So I think this would have been a waste of time and money. He knows he will be randomly tested whenever we tell him too pee in the cup, he will pee in the cup, no advance notice or warning. And he will comply. He swears he is only smoking pot and only rarely, has not tried anything else, is not interested in anything else, does not want to mess up his life. I guess to sum up last night, it was a combination of all of your wonderful advice - from Joanie's and Kim's tough love approach, to Connie's 'get in his head' to find out not only what's going on, but how much is he using and for how long? He di open up. It was really uncharacteristic of him. And I could tell (mother's instinct) that he was not lying - that he seemed relieved to be getting some of this out. The most important thing Devin said in the two hours of talk: "I don't have anything to do." It's true. He's not playing sports. He gets home two hours before Jim does and he's alone. He gets his homework done (when he admits he has any), and he eats. He's bored. We live in the country, no friends around. So, Jim will get home and the two of them will go to the gym to work out together at least 3 nights a week, non-negotiable. Mental health starts with physical health, starts with a strong, healthy body. This weekend, Jim and I had planned to go away together for the day - we are now shifting to a family day, the three of us will head into the Adirondacks and hike our butts off, spend the day in the glorious New England fall, in the woods, and just take it all in. He needs to get busy and get active. Otherwise, he is on high alert that he will be watched and monitored like a hawk. When I feel like gutting his room, I will. If his grades start slipping, I pull the parents of his friends into the mix. We will start looking for yet another family therapist immediately. And Pat, if you're reading this, I've got the information on the school you told me about, thank you. I am so glad I posted yesterday instead of keeping it all in and feeling helpless. THANK YOU, my dear and wonderful friends. As Kim tells me, this is going to be very hard, a long road. But I cannot give up on my son. And I have to do whatever it takes to not let him chose the wrong road! Oh, and Joanie - he now has his own laundry basket in his room with firm instructions that when it's full, he washes, dries, and folds his own clothes - he has been taught how to use the washing machine. And this morning he got up 15 minutes earlier so that he could get his own breakfast and made sure he had time to brush his teeth before the bus came - knowing that if his teeth were not brushed when the bus came, we would embarrass the hell out of him by going out to the road and holding up the bus until his teeth were brushed! This MARCHER is MARCHING! And so is her kid!!!

Yay! It sounds like it went very well. You did the right thing. I do have a question for you though... did you ask him what he might want to do? I know you mentioned working out non-negotiable... and you're right, physical health leads to mental health... but is there something HE wants to do? or is working out his thing too?  I would press him a bit to get him to give you some idea of what he is intersted in so you can maybe think in a career sense in some ways you know? I had a feeling he was bored for some reason. Everytime I read your posts something kept screaming at me in my head to tell you to DISTRACT him with some activity. that word just kept popping into my head to tell you. he'll be ok Maureen. You did awesome! way to go! Just hang in there. I'm sure there's more to come. but lets keep that kid busy! :)  find out all kinds of stuff that he is interested in that will distract him and keep his mind off things. Way to go!!!   i tell ya... my son is 10 and we are already trying to do just that. My husband was showing him all about the 3d gaming designs on the computer and he seemed facinated while his attention span lasted being that he's 10. But i swear thats the key to keeping kids out of the bad stuff is having tons of activities for them to do so they aren't tempted to do the bad things and arent wallowing in their teenage misery    best wishes to you!!!!  ((hugs!))

Well (I mean, welp!) - you are one intuitive lady! But I gotta tell ya, it can't be the computer. Devin has an addictive personality (wonder where he gets that from?) and he is already addicted to gaming on the computer. Nope, he's got to get up and move that big strong body of his. When he does, he feels so much better. We bought a trampoline a few months ago and he loves jumping on that, he does tricks on it - but it's a solitary activity; he used to love working out with Jim but then Jim got so into it that it became much more important to Jim to get his workout in and he lost sight of how important it was to make sure Devin was active and busy; so the least bit of resistance and Jim said, ok, I'm out of here and would go to the Jim and leave Devin at the house by himself on the computer for two hours! I firmly believe in moving the body to work out that angst, get those endorfins (spelling?) jazzed up in the brain... that's how boys-turning-into-men connect feeling good about themselves and then project those feelings into the world in which they live - starting with their family! Watch that computer gaming stuff 'lizbet. Be careful with that. Love you, Maureen

Im happy to read this you sound much more positive today then a few hours ago....main thing is that you STICK WITH IT....do not slack off abit or he will fall into same habits. It will not go away over night, a few weeks wont cut it, this has to be a major change and keep him busy. Perhaps a PT real job and make him bank the money when you run out of things to do...just a thought, if you get to that point. But keep him into something so he has no real free idle time...to get bored as he says. And Im glad you decided to random tests that is important and DO IT. I still think a few visits to NA by all would not hurt abit, might be an eye opener for all of you as well, along with your counseling but thats your decision...but Im proud of you for taking a stand and keep it up. I think you all will be fine if you follow through and stay stong and firm and might you not want to hear this but dont believe everything he says. But good luck and keep us posted and anytime you need opinions we are here for you...good or bad.
Crap... I was going to end this letter there but something you wrote keeps sticking out to me and I must comment..."He swears he is only smoking pot and only rarely, has not tried anything else, is not interested in anything else, does not want to mess up his life"...same EXACT line I was fed by my boy, pretty much word for word...how to put this without offending you...he may be telling you the truth, but he may also be feeding you a line you want to hear...I hope its truthful but in my case is was not...from my experience I would still take him to be tested for everything...there are other ways and types of tests that can be done to detect all. Whatever you decide I wish you well. Im sorry I had to add that last few lines but I couldnt just read it and not comment without it not being so consciously on my mind...Im sorry, but your doing well, and its a start. You all will be in my thoughts....stay strong!!!

Your Friend,
Kimberly

oh and to add my 2 cents in with that comment as well... i agree.  and also ... he may actually mean it.  I did back in the day when I told my parents that. but later I tried it all. well... not ALL but i had tried acid, mushrooms, and dust. and E. ick. i SWORE i wasn't going to do that. Its not that they intentionally do it... it just... happens. peer pressure and the whole mindset that nothing is really SERIOUS to a teen. they have that mentality that nothing can hurt them and have it all under control. So i agree totally... keep a close eye on him.. he may mean it but that doesnt mean he can follow through on his own "belief"  I remember also telling my mom VEHEMENTLY that i would never smoke cigaretts that i would never want to do that to my health and possibly ruin my life with drugs... yatta yatta... then when the time came i caved. but had i been distracted with postiive things that interested me... i would've probably chosen a different path. I was a bit older than your son though... so just keep a very close eye on him. which we all know you will :)  hang in there!!!

Kimberly, you will NEVER offend me or hurt me!!! Can I ask you this? How do I get him tested, literally? Where do I take him, literally? Is it a blood test or a pee test? Is it a walk in or do I have to make an appointment? If he used pot or any other drug, let's say more than two weeks ago, or even a month ago, will it show up on the test? Tell me what to do and how to do it, and I will do it! You never need to apologize for helping me, NEVER! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Maureen

Reenie...first step call your local health dept they can guide you as to where in your area they do testing , they might even do it themselves, they do in my area. Hair test and blood I believe to be the best...hair usually detects most things up to 90 days...let me see I think I have a chart on my computer Ill post it for you ... one sec... 
DETECTION PERIODS
The following chart gives approximate detection periods for each substance by test type. The ranges depend on amount and frequency of use, metabolic rate, body mass, age, overall health, drug tolerance, and urine pH.
SUBSTANCE      BLOOD      SALIVA         SWEAT         URINE                 HAIR
  Shortest Detectability - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- Longest Detectability
Alcohol 12 hrs    6-12 hrs     unknown      6-24 hrs   (5 days with EtG)    n/a
Amphetamine     12 hrs        3 days           unknown     1-4 days                 up to 90 days
Barbiturates         unknown   unknown      unknown     1-21 days               unknown
Benzodiazepines unknown  unknown      unknown      1-42 days               unknown
Cannabis (single use) 2-3 days 12-24 hrs unknown   2-3 days                up to 90 days
Cannabis (habitual use) 2 weeks 12-24 hrs unknown up to 12 wks        up to 90 days
Cocaine              unknown     1 day             unknown        4-5 days               up to 90 days
Codeine/Morphine unknown 12-36 hrs     unknown       2-4 days              up to 90 days
Heroin                unknown       unknown        unknown     2-4 days              up to 90 days
Methamphetamine 1-3 days  unknown      unknown      3-5 days              up to 90 days
PCP                   1-3 days        3 days          unknown         3-7 days               up to 90 days
I hope you can read this it didnt copy neat so I tried to line it up for you...

you are dead on in the last part.  Truth plays a big role in this and until you know for sure he is telling the truth...then chances are he isn't.  'Mother's intuiton' does not enter the equation here.  Are there any after school programs?  You should still call your local NA chapter for some information.  Perhaps he is hanging around with less than desirable individuals?  Chances are he is telling you what you want to hear, but I think you are off to a good start.  DO NOT show weakness in any way.  You and Jim are the ones in charge here.  Devin's job is to follow the rules. 
Good luck with this...its a tough job.....but you can do it.
Joanie