A Mother's Instinct - Help Me
Maureen,
It's 10:27 at night, your time and I keep wondering what is going on in your house tonight. I didn't mean to propose that you and Jim would be able to talk Devin out of ever taking a drug again, but I do think this is an opportunity to hear him. Then again, he has to talk for that to happen.
I'm not a proponent of boot camps and drug tests and a military state, but I am a strong supporter of making kids responsible for themselves. I'd take away his source of income. If he wants lunch, let him pack it. No more earning money in the barn. If he wants something, let him earn credits by working and then you buy it instead of giving him the money. No more doing his laundry. Maureen, if anyone else treated you like crap, you'd stop catering to them. The same is true for your kids. I once went on strike and it had a huge impact. You'd be amazed at how quickly kids learn to take care of themselves when they want to eat.
So I called my very wise 24 year old son to ask his opinion of how you and Jim should handle this. He was once an angry pot smoking 15 year old. Who better to ask? He said, "Mom, I don't know this kid so there's no way I can answer for him. Everybody is different, but if you had put me in a military camp or turned me in to the police, I don't know if we could have gotten past that or if I l'd have forgiven you. Tell her to pray to God, listen to her heart and love and support her kid." I can't give you any better advice than that. Take a deep breath, clear your mind and follow your heart.
Lots of love,
Connie
It's 10:27 at night, your time and I keep wondering what is going on in your house tonight. I didn't mean to propose that you and Jim would be able to talk Devin out of ever taking a drug again, but I do think this is an opportunity to hear him. Then again, he has to talk for that to happen.
I'm not a proponent of boot camps and drug tests and a military state, but I am a strong supporter of making kids responsible for themselves. I'd take away his source of income. If he wants lunch, let him pack it. No more earning money in the barn. If he wants something, let him earn credits by working and then you buy it instead of giving him the money. No more doing his laundry. Maureen, if anyone else treated you like crap, you'd stop catering to them. The same is true for your kids. I once went on strike and it had a huge impact. You'd be amazed at how quickly kids learn to take care of themselves when they want to eat.
So I called my very wise 24 year old son to ask his opinion of how you and Jim should handle this. He was once an angry pot smoking 15 year old. Who better to ask? He said, "Mom, I don't know this kid so there's no way I can answer for him. Everybody is different, but if you had put me in a military camp or turned me in to the police, I don't know if we could have gotten past that or if I l'd have forgiven you. Tell her to pray to God, listen to her heart and love and support her kid." I can't give you any better advice than that. Take a deep breath, clear your mind and follow your heart.
Lots of love,
Connie
I am probably the last one who should comment on this, but here goes anyway. Quite simply, the kid would not be able to breathe without my permission. I'd have had him in boot camp with the ranting and raving he's done in the past. I was a single parent for a lot of years and could not afford to take any crap from my kids. It just wasn't in the cards for me. I gave my kids freedom, but the minute I suspected anything, then everything came to a screeching halt. Try to shake the baby images out of your head and keep in the present. I would probably go to the school and talk to them and perhaps even go to law inforcement and ask them. He would be in therapy and perhaps even in rehab if it is needed. You've said in previous posts that nothing can help him. I don't believe that for ONE MINUTE. There is help out there, you just have to find the right help. And while you're at it, your husband and you and your son should be in family counseling...at what ever it costs. Throwing it away the drugs is not the answer. He should be confronted with it and also with random drug tests. His life is no longer his own and should not be for a long time. He's 15. Now's the time before you really can't do anything about it. He may have to go to some sort of residential school....again, at whatever the cost. Make sure that you and your husband are not enabling him...making it easy for him....doing things he should be doing for himself. I work with people that have drug and alcohol problems every day. Nip it in the bud NOW, before it's too late.
Lovingly yours,
Joanie
Lovingly yours,
Joanie
But Joanie, what did you DO? What was the worst you had to deal with (as much as you are willing to share, just to put this in context for me) and what did you DO in response? Did you beat them? Did you have them arrested? Did you send them to boot camp or a wilderness school like Pat shared with us? What did you DO?
Screaming and yelling get you nowhere. You and Jim need to keep a united front. It almost sounds to me like you are afraid of your son. He has to do what you say. If not, consequences. Family therapy is a start. But it has to be someone good...someone who can see through his cunningness. You and Jim need to meet with them FIRST to tell them exactly what is going on in the family. Druggies are professional liars. They can lie, scream, carry on and actually have you believing what they are saying. It's what they do best. And they will lie about anything and everything. If he tells you he is not using, you are going to believe him?? Go for a little ride to the police department. Talk to his school counselor without him present and ask for organizations that deal with druggie kids. NA is a good organization for you to call. They can put you in contact with various places that can help you. Whatever you do, don't take any crap from him. And never believe any words that come out of his mouth. Believing him at this point in time is enabling, and he has to prove himself to be trustworthy. That will take A LOT of time and therapy. Yes, you can watch him pee in a cup. We do it every day in rehab. They try to sneak little Visine bottles of urine in...they'll try anything. NOTHING IS BENETH THEM.
My prayers are with you...keep us posted.
Love,
Joanie
My prayers are with you...keep us posted.
Love,
Joanie
Hi Reenie,
I dread the day this happens with my son. as far as what you should do... I think the first thing is to calm down. Take some serious deep breaths. It's bound to happen. Its not the end of the world even though it may seem like it right now. I know that in today's day and age my son will also run into this eventually. We've already talked to Matt about it but until he's older and hits that magical age, I don't know what he'd decide. Probably the route your son went as majority normally shows kids experiment in one way or another. When I was 15 I didn't because I hardly left the house. I was house bound and never did things with my friends that would lead me to the stuff. My other friends did. With even harder stuff...but those friends use to have the run of the neighborhoods at night and partied at that age. hmm.... I wonder. He was probably introduced to it in school or his buddy and him decided to "try it" peer pressure and all of that. I would have it out on the table... ask him about it. He'll proably act like its no big deal. I don't know your son...does he hang out with friends alot unsupervised? where? How often? Make sure you have the gateway drug conversation because it really is. Ask him about other drugs and what he may have tried. even if you wouldn't know because he lies...put it out there so that he knows you are aware of the different kind of drugs. Press him about meth... that drug scares the bejesus out of me!!! also acid and E... just cover all the bases. thats the first thing you need to do. then the next thing is to mention rehab mention getting him tested and lay it all out for him. Say hey... you wanna go this route? Then we have to do this this and this to you... he'll hate you but what teen doesn't go through that stage? it'll pass. to me... your son sounds like a typical angry teenager. but if he wants to go into the big time...then he's gotta man up and know there are gonna be consequences. Hopefully it won't turn into a problem. but it sounds like he's comfortable with it (as in knows what to use and has seeds etc) which means he's probly been doing it for awhile. Press him about other drugs. i wish i knew more about your sons personality ... i dont so i cant really advise...but sounds like Joanie and Kim have the right idea. do something now while you have a chance before he gets to experimenting with the other stuff. what now??? confront him Now. you dont threaten to take stuff away (although you can) & (aside from freedom to run) ... you threaten with REHAB. is there anything that interests him??? computers....web design?? gaming?? robotics??? anything? that you know of? I still say he needs to be distracted and not as in... you need a job to earn money... as in... what the heck can he join that he might have some interset in??? which his answer is probably a big nothing... i would try to find something though.... maybe he would be interesting in like...3d design.. with the computers and all that... that is really neat stuff... which leads to gaming designs and such. its absolutely worth the price and he may be intersted enough and it is great educationally. there is alot of money in that field. wish i knew your son more... but those are some ideas.... try to distract him if possible.
I dread the day this happens with my son. as far as what you should do... I think the first thing is to calm down. Take some serious deep breaths. It's bound to happen. Its not the end of the world even though it may seem like it right now. I know that in today's day and age my son will also run into this eventually. We've already talked to Matt about it but until he's older and hits that magical age, I don't know what he'd decide. Probably the route your son went as majority normally shows kids experiment in one way or another. When I was 15 I didn't because I hardly left the house. I was house bound and never did things with my friends that would lead me to the stuff. My other friends did. With even harder stuff...but those friends use to have the run of the neighborhoods at night and partied at that age. hmm.... I wonder. He was probably introduced to it in school or his buddy and him decided to "try it" peer pressure and all of that. I would have it out on the table... ask him about it. He'll proably act like its no big deal. I don't know your son...does he hang out with friends alot unsupervised? where? How often? Make sure you have the gateway drug conversation because it really is. Ask him about other drugs and what he may have tried. even if you wouldn't know because he lies...put it out there so that he knows you are aware of the different kind of drugs. Press him about meth... that drug scares the bejesus out of me!!! also acid and E... just cover all the bases. thats the first thing you need to do. then the next thing is to mention rehab mention getting him tested and lay it all out for him. Say hey... you wanna go this route? Then we have to do this this and this to you... he'll hate you but what teen doesn't go through that stage? it'll pass. to me... your son sounds like a typical angry teenager. but if he wants to go into the big time...then he's gotta man up and know there are gonna be consequences. Hopefully it won't turn into a problem. but it sounds like he's comfortable with it (as in knows what to use and has seeds etc) which means he's probly been doing it for awhile. Press him about other drugs. i wish i knew more about your sons personality ... i dont so i cant really advise...but sounds like Joanie and Kim have the right idea. do something now while you have a chance before he gets to experimenting with the other stuff. what now??? confront him Now. you dont threaten to take stuff away (although you can) & (aside from freedom to run) ... you threaten with REHAB. is there anything that interests him??? computers....web design?? gaming?? robotics??? anything? that you know of? I still say he needs to be distracted and not as in... you need a job to earn money... as in... what the heck can he join that he might have some interset in??? which his answer is probably a big nothing... i would try to find something though.... maybe he would be interesting in like...3d design.. with the computers and all that... that is really neat stuff... which leads to gaming designs and such. its absolutely worth the price and he may be intersted enough and it is great educationally. there is alot of money in that field. wish i knew your son more... but those are some ideas.... try to distract him if possible.
I agree with the distractions also...keep him busy, school, PT job, when not working, drug classes NARC ANNON...NA has alot of eve classes pretty much everyday of the week, weekends included and usually meet at a local church...health dept eve classes aswell,.keep him occupied so he has no free time...for now.
Thanks, 'lizbet. You put a lot into this, thank you. He's funny. And quiet. And smart, he's very smart. Very manipulative. Cunning. Was a very caring boy, not so in the past few years, since 6th grade. Quiet, won't talk. Just won't talk. Unless he wants something. To be logged onto the computer when he's grounded from it, for instance (we keep the password). Then he won't shut up. badgers, holds us hostage until it escalates until we're all out of our minds. And then he will destroy. Sometimes he'll hold it in check. Sometimes he won't. When he's nice to me I know he's up to something, he's manipulating. He's never really, truly, genuinely being nice. He just wants something. I don't think Devin cares about me. At all. Elizabeth - what's E? Is that a drug?
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