A Mother's Instinct - Help Me
It's not anything I've really been consciously thinking about. Just something nagging at me like a thought that I can't remembr, or an itch that I scratched...but still itches. Just won't go away. So Devin gets on the bus and I'm sorting the laundry and I wasn't even thinking anything but I walk into the kitchen and say to Jim, 'it's just a feeling, nothing more, and I know you hate it when I label people or whatever but I think Devin is doing drugs so would you...' and he starts his dismissing me act and interrupting me and I say, 'look, don't say a word to me, not a word. All I'm asking is will you go upstairs and check his room. That's all I'm asking.' And he must hear something different in my voice because damned if he says, 'ok' and goes upstairs and I go back to sorting the laundry and I'm holding my breath, really, I'm not breathing and just when I think it's going to be ok, he hollers from upstairs, "Found it!" And I think I'm going to drop to my knees, just faint on the spot. He's 15. He's got it all, the pipe, a bag of seeds, all sorts of paraphanalia. And even as we're yelling at each other, Jim and me, because that's what we do, because we're so clueless together about how to solve anything, even as we're scared and yelling, I'm back there, 15 years ago, in my head, I'm back there, rocking my baby son to sleep, watching his sleepy eyes trying to stay awake, watching his baby grin responding to my silly sleep songs, watching his hand reach up to my face as if to ask, 'are you real?' and watching me grab that baby hand and kiss it and hold it close to my cheek as if to say, 'yes I'm real, are you?' What does a parent - two parents - do when they find drugs in their 15 year old's bedroom? It's all been thrown away in a dumpster. What now? What now?
Oh Reenie I can so relate...I have been through it all with my son. Ide get the stuff out of the trash first, when Devin gets home from school have it layed out on kitchen table for him to see that you know...with it there he cant get out of it by trying to deny it. Have him throw it away hisself with you and husband by his side. And check the trash later to make sure he didnt get it back out when you werent looking. Then...take a deep breath, the hell is about to begin. Shorten the leash, moniter everything he does, no closed bedroom doors for him , make him earn everything freedom included ...its sucks bu****ch him like a hawk. If you can get him into a program like narcotics anomous...the have free support groups for him aswell as seperate classes for you and husband. AS for the monitering....tell Devin point blank and DO IT...go to local health Dept and get him drug tested for everything! And tell Devin you are going to do that periodically with NO notice and DO IT! Health Dept also has drug classes for him to get into. Reenie I know your heart is breaking now, Ive been there , and still revisit it on occasion, but you have to be firm and tough right now and try to clip it really quickly before he gets too lost. If you ever need to talk msg me and I will try to share some ideas as to what I have done and tried. But STAY STRONG AND FIRM, do your crying away from him , take a car ride or a walk, but dont loosen the reins on him not now. And dont ever think you are a bad parent...you didnt do this...its his choice.
Your Friend,
Kimberly
Your Friend,
Kimberly
Thanks for this Kimberly. I am absolutely torn between your way and Connie's way. I don't know which way to go, I am the pervebial deer in the oncoming headlights, scared to death to make the wrong choice so I stand frozen. What's the point in drug testing, we already know he's using? And if he says he's no longer using and then he's tested and he tests positive, what then? The same question, what now, what now? It's not like he's in the System, he's not on probation or anything. So what if he tests positive? More "consequences" at home? More computer privileges revoked? Grounded for another week, another month? None of that works! Nothing works! Devin is a pathalogical liar. He lies about everything, from homework to whether or not he brushed his teeth. We take him to doctors, they say there's nothing wrong with him. We take him to shrinks, they say there's nothing wrong with him. His teachers say, he's not a problem in my class, it's as if he's not there! But, excuse me, I say, don't you see that he's failing your class??? And they say, yes, but he's not a PROBLEM. He doesn't present a PROBLEM in my class. IT'S AS IF HE'S NOT THERE!!! Oh my God, I'm out of my mind with all of this! NO ONE HEARS ME!!! NO ONE LISTENS TO ME!!! I can't help my son ..... 
DO NOT GIVE UP!!!! Test him, God forbid he might be trying other things...pot is a gateway drug. If Neg...so be it ,but periodically test him., let him know youll test him whever you feel like it. Be thankful he is not in the system YET....makes it harder when he is, I know. And if you have to, ground him for life, dont make no time limits, make him prove himself to you. When you feel he is showing approvement allow one thing back...but slowly. But I am serious I do think you need to get him into a drug program now, its not too late. AND its never to soon to start. School are for crap to be blunt...they dont step in till something rotton happens then they still arent no help...just my opinion from past experience. I would not involve law inforcement at this time. If necesaary later down the road but not now, sometimes that can make more problems. I talked to school,doctors,shrinks all of the above....he needs a narcotics program...if he is bright as my son he will minipulate the docs,shrink,and school....drug classes they heard it all and wont take no crap. So all I can say...test him, now and later,classes and revoke everything for starters. And most important you and husband stay strong for each other and DONT GIVE UP!
You say lets go for a ride and you drive straight to the Health dept with him yelling and screaming...and you walk him into the dept and tell them you want him tested. period...no cop is going to stop you if you drag him there. Or you have your husband stand over him at home and dont leave the bathroom till he does crying, yelling , and all, if your son and husband have to sit in there all night long. Reenie its not easy but some things you just have to do to protect them in the long run. I know your heart is breaking...I wish I could help you
Also watch him ...he may try to beat the test...no cranberry juice, no gold seal, theres a few others on the market, I sure his friends know them, so watch. He could try to flush out his system. There is a hair test aswell that is harder to beat. Pot will remain in his system approx 30 days, others drugs less time.
Um...yeah you can. I'd let the authorities handle it, though. Not only is pot a pathway drug, it is also addictive, which most people will deny. If you stand there like a 'deer in the headlights' he will walk all over you. Firmly, lovingly, kindly, take no crap. You are the boss, not him. In addition to family counselling, he also needs an addiction counselor. Rehab is for people who know they have a drug problem and want help. If he wants help, he should go to a rehab center and have an intake done. They are professionals and will see right through him when he lies. As I said before, this is a good time to catch it. He's young and as intimidating as he may seem. he'll get scared. Personality changes, weight changes, anger problems...these are all signs of drugging. Tell the school that you know he is on drugs. They can't sit back.
My gut instinct is that he is self-medicating. He's trying to make the world go away.
Whatever you do, you and Jim MUST have a united front. You need to decide how you are going to talk to Devin about this and what you are going to do moving forward. For Devin's sake, you CAN NOT be divided on this. As soon as Devin gets home, he's going to know that you know and he's going to feel that his rights have been violated. For some reason teenagers feel they have privacy rights.
Were this my child, when I sat down with him, I would not argue the point, I would not issue any decrees from on high (no pun intended) I would only ask questions. Don't ask questions like "Where did you get this?" or "When did you start?" That's moot and has no bearing. Ask questions like, "What do you get from smoking?" "What do you feel like when you smoke?" "How is smoking helping you?" Try to get in his head and understand what he is feeling. When you're done asking questions, go away and think about what he is telling you. This is your opportunity to get in Devin's head and open a dialogue. I'm betting that Devin is doing with marijuana what the rest of us do with food. You may want to share your own food addiction with him. I bet you find that you have same feelings, different drug.
Hugs, hugs, hugs,
Connie
Your baby is not lost and as a family, you will get through this.
Whatever you do, you and Jim MUST have a united front. You need to decide how you are going to talk to Devin about this and what you are going to do moving forward. For Devin's sake, you CAN NOT be divided on this. As soon as Devin gets home, he's going to know that you know and he's going to feel that his rights have been violated. For some reason teenagers feel they have privacy rights.
Were this my child, when I sat down with him, I would not argue the point, I would not issue any decrees from on high (no pun intended) I would only ask questions. Don't ask questions like "Where did you get this?" or "When did you start?" That's moot and has no bearing. Ask questions like, "What do you get from smoking?" "What do you feel like when you smoke?" "How is smoking helping you?" Try to get in his head and understand what he is feeling. When you're done asking questions, go away and think about what he is telling you. This is your opportunity to get in Devin's head and open a dialogue. I'm betting that Devin is doing with marijuana what the rest of us do with food. You may want to share your own food addiction with him. I bet you find that you have same feelings, different drug.
Hugs, hugs, hugs,
Connie
Your baby is not lost and as a family, you will get through this.
See, this is precisely the kind of people both Jim and I are. We are communicators, we try to reason with emotion and intellect, with our hearts and minds. There are times when I truly wonder - truly - if Devin has any feelings at all. He seems to be devoid of empathy. He just wants STUFF. He can't get enough STUFF. He doesn't care about people or animals. He just wants STUFF. And he doesn't get it, not from us! We don't believe in it, we don't operate that way! We try to get him involved in community service, politics, working at the barn to earn some money (now I know why he has been so eager to earn that money...); and Joan is right, he takes very little responsibility for himself. His breakfast and dinner is cooked for him and served to him. He helps clean up afterwards, barely. He get's lunch money every day. His clothes are washed and folded for him. Man, I sure as hell didn't grow up like that. So, it's not that he's spoiled, but he is taken care of. And he treats us like Sh**. And gets away with it. So the conversation you're proposing is a good one, and one we would prescribe to - but not until his entire attitude, personaility, behavior, and habits are turned on their ugly heads 180 degrees. I just don't know what that's going to take...
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