Maureen, I'm here!!
Well, I tried just eating when I'm hurgry and it doesn't work!!! I tried to do the 3 meals a day and I've tried low fat, no carbs, low carbs and LOTS of carbs!! I really like the LOTS of carbs, you know just, white bread, cake , pie, candy, breaded fried "stuff"!! It's all a mind thing. I've spent so much in the last year, joined a gym right in front of my house , over $650.00 for my husband and me. I ordered a series of cd's that was supposed to hypnotize (?) me for $160.00. I spent $150.00 on the Back On Track Program. I've joined TOPS and I've joined Weigh****chers. I've spent LOTS of money on the Atkins Protien Bars. (Just eat them like candy!!!) I've done so much I can't remember it all. I pray and I trust God in all things, except this!! He would help me I know, but I just don't listen to him!!
I gained from 169 in 2005 to 214 this May. I gained 7 pounds in one week in May!! There I've said it out loud, TWO HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN POUNDS!!! From a size 12 to a tight 18.I have no excuse for this . I don't have kids to get on my nerves. I do have 3 step children that range from 41 to 51 years old. For the first 8 years Charles and I were married they thought I married him to get all his money. (HA, who ever heard of a rich farmer!) Charles, at my urgeing put half the farm in their names. I told him their Mama worked for 42 years on that place and they should have her part. Their Mama died. Now everything is going good with them . I had known Charles and Joyce ever since I was a child and knew his kids all their lives. We were friends, till I got their Daddy. One of the told me last year, it was like they lost their Mama and Daddy. We all get along fine and I think they trust me now, anyway , they tell me they love me and I tell them I love them. So things are going good there. I only have Jean and Jeffrey (sis & brother in law) and they are the greatest support I could ever ask for. Since Mama died ,Jean and I have become even closer than we were before her death. (I do worry about Jean, with this kidney stone episode). Charles will do anything to help me with this weight thing and he never says a mean word to me,I know that is hard to believe, but it's true. I was 50 and he was 61 when we married, so we were both old enough to not let the little stuff get on our nerves. ( You notice I said he never says mean stuff to me. ) When we first married I would get mad and say something and he would not say anything back , so then I would have to tell him I was sorry . So, I quit doing anything I would have to say I'm sorry for , because I don't like that!! We will be married 10 years on June 15th. We own our homes and we both have jobs. (Even though my jobs gets on my nerves, I do have one, and I'm out of school right now.) I'm not bragging about my life, it sounds good, doesn't it? There is no reason in the world I should be eating like an idiot!! Then why am I doing it?
Monday , I ate an Atkins Protien bar about 11 A.M. , I ate tuna and celery sticks for lunch and supper, then I had a cup of milk with 1/2 cup of strawberries. Tues. I had Protien bars for breakfast and lunch and tuna and celery sticks for supper and another bar in the middle of the night. Then yesterday I had a bar for breakfast and lunch. and tuna and broccoli for supper. Then I couldn't sleep and I ate a pack of peanuts, a pack of pnb crackers and some sugar free ice cream and a protien bar,two pieces of whole wheat bread with splenda and cinnamon and spray butter !!! What is wrong with me??? It's 1:45 P.M. on Thursday and all I've had to eat is 1 Atkins Bar, 210 calories. I'm not hugury. I'm going to get out of this house and go somewhere, so I won't eat to day, but my demons come in the night!! Help!!! I know this has been long and I have told y'all more than you wanted to hear, but I feel better. Oh yea, I weighed 210 this morning. All that I ate last night will show up tomorrow. Love y'all, Judy
Hi Judy!
You know what...I hear you about those protein bars...I just had a south beach diet protein low carb bar and I SWEAR I could eat like two more of those things!!!! I was WAY better off having my refried beans and sour cream and cheese and been in heaven than eating that sweet tasting little treat that doesn't fill me up and makes me want more more more! Personally I cut out all the breads and pasta and carby bad things and sugar. I'm going back to the basics. For me, being in this heat at my weight is just horribly uncomfortable and i HAVE to do something about it! It's more of a ... "I have no choice I have to do it" type of thing for me. Hang in there! ((hugs))
Elizabeth M 
You know what I hope more than anything about your post, darlin' Judy? I truly with all my heart and soul hope you FEEL BETTER. I am so happy you shared all of this and so damned proud of you for doing so. Now then, to the root of what's eating you - because that's truly why you're eating; something is eating at you...you know I'm a research fiend and lately Jim and I have been researching addiction - because our son, we believe, is addicted to computer gaming, and the computer generally. His time is closely managed and monitored, he has never had an x-box or a game boy, but when he gets his hour or two at the computer, he's like an addict who is getting his fix. Anyway, Jim found this - it's long but worth looking at, it certainly resonated wtih me: "Whether consciously acknowledged or not, we live in an almost constant state of anxiety. We are concerned with what we may lose, or what we may not gain. We also live in grief and regret over what we have left behind or at least feel we may have indeed lost. We thus attach ourselves to the very things that we cannot, ultimately, control; the past and the future. In truth, there is only today, this moment, and this breath with which we are, and can actually be, connected. The past is gone, and the future has not yet happened. We are here, now.
From a Buddhist perspective, addiction might be considered the archetype of attachment. Addiction is, in fact, a collection of attachments. It is attachment to fear, attachment to loss, and attachment to longing, emptiness, and a lack of a sense of purpose. Whether we choose alcohol, drugs, sex, food, *****graphy, exercise or even shopping, we are simply employing the means serving the compulsion to fill a space and dampen our pain. The means does not matter; that is simply a gesture. The compulsion is the crux of it, and that compulsion is not so much to drink, or do drugs, or to spend; that compulsion, ultimately, is to fill that space.
And just what is that space? We might look upon it as the "God-shaped hole." The wisdom teachings suggest that in identifying with a self, a "me", we divorce ourselves from the true nature of our existence. From a psychological perspective, this division presents itself as inauthenticity, and the internal conflict that condition engenders promotes internal strife. In our attempt to reconcile this sense of inauthenticity, we cling even more desperately to establishing a sense of "me-ness" and can, in some cases, become morbidly self-destructive in our attempts to soothe the pain of failure in that reconciliation.
Addiction generally begins as an interest. As soon as we express an interest in something, we are expressing a preference. In expressing a preference, we are dividing our attention and creating an attachment to something in the world around us. As that interest turns into a fascination, our attachment deepens. Our attention becomes more and more exclusive, and we become increasingly imbalanced; emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually.
Fascination may then flower into obsession, and we become a slave to our attachment. We are no longer ourselves, and, rather than 'losing our mind', which would be the skillful means by which to escape our attachment, we are trapped inside the mind.
With obsession, our attachment becomes even more intensified, and our exclusion even more narrow. As we become slaves to our attachment, our mind, and our behavior, we lose the ability to exercise free will and, in that light, move from obsession to compulsion; from place of being driven, to a place of need.
At this point our attachment has become so involved that we have invited suffering. We are no longer willful, but, rather, subject to and at the sufferance of the will of our attachments. When we find ourselves in a place that we cannot live without exercising this attachment, whatever it may be, we have fallen into a state of addiction.
Within the context of addiction, people often feel that they do not have a choice. Nothing could be further from the truth. We always have a choice. When confronting someone who themselves is confronting an addiction, saying to them, "Stopping your behavior is your choice." is, however, often met with profound resistance for their failure to see that choice.
The key to getting a grasp on this is recognizing that choice is a constant state; it is not a single moment in time. If the choice not to be addicted were a single choice point, then all we would ultimately do is move our attachment from something socially defined as negative (say, compulsive eating) to something that is socially defined as positive (eating healthily). In point of fact, we would become addicted, or at the very least attached, to not being addicted.
We create our sense of emptiness, and our anxiety around loss. We deceive ourselves into believing that we are less than whom and what we are by virtue of attaching ourselves to things, objects, situations, emotions, and anxieties that take us away from ourselves. This is the engine of addiction.
Coming back to the present moment brings us back to our constancy of choice. Seeing both sides in balance and in perspective then gives us the opportunity to exercise compassion. Most importantly, it gives us the opportunity to exercise compassion toward ourselves.
Our frustration with the world and sense of victimhood thus becomes transformed into the recognition that we must set an intention in our lives. Our depression finds an antidote for itself in the gratitude that we can express simply for being alive. We begin to see outside ourselves with a clear vision and recognize that the things outside ourselves are, in fact, quite outside ourselves. In letting go of our attachments we also let go of the things that influence us and draw us into a state of mind where we feel less than we are, where we feel that something is missing, where we need to fill the space, or dampen the pain, or simply make it go away.
Exercising the constancy of choice by living in the moment gives us an opportunity to break free of the bonds of this supreme state of attachment and begin to climb out of the pit of suffering into which we have gotten ourselves." Michael J. Formica, MA, Ed.M.
Connie recently asked this board: "What fills you up?" I think this article speaks directly to her question. (CONNIE, WHERE ARE YOU??) I welcome a great discussion around this post, guys, what do you say? Judy, my arms are wrapped tight around you - you are not alone, you brave, brave woman. Love, Maureen
Ah, good - I hate it when you get upset with me...cuz I love you so much! 
If we look at the "pieces" of what this guy is saying: (1) when we try to understand the "me" of who we are, we "divorce" ourselves from the true nature of our existence - I read this to mean that we get caught up in our own head and get stuck there; (2) there is a viable, understandable path that leads to addiction: lets look at this path in the context of my addiction to M&Ms: when my office was on the other side of the building, I didn't know about Judy's M&M dispenser, it wasn't an issue. I worked in that building for 3 years without ever having an M&M! My office moved to within one other office next to hers; suddenly I became aware of the dispenser and the trickle of people going to get them every day. Here's the path to addiction: I became INTERESTED in what was happening; I helped myself to one little handful of those M&Ms, just like everyone else was doing, everyone else was able to manage one little handful once a day; my INTEREST cultivated a PREFERENCE to satisfying something deep inside me, a hole that has never been filled in my life; suddenly, I became ATTACHED to the act of getting those M&Ms, eating them soothed me somewhat, and once a day became several times a day - and the behavior became secret (or so I thought); over the course of many months, I began to obssess about getting those M&Ms; when could I go to her office without people seeing me? I would take my lunch hour at a different time as everyone else so that the area where I work would be empty, including Judy's office - and I would go and practically empty that dispenser when everyone was out - now, of course she knew it was me doing this, I was the only one working while everyone else was out! That didn't matter to me, I was OBSESSED with the how and why and where I would eat those M&Ms; I am now at the end of the path - OBSESSION turned into bonafide ADDICTION. For the past 3-4 months, no matter how hard I tried, no matter the promises I would make to my son, myself, to GOD, I could not stop myself from eating tons of that candy. This is what fascinates me about what this guy says. I'm not really into the whole Budha thing, but this makes really good sense to me. I GET IN THE MOST TROUBLE WHEN I STAY LOCKED INSIDE MY OWN HEAD. Because bad thoughts about myself reside there, thoughts that I've had since I was too young to remember. The only way I've ever know how to sooth those FALSE BELIEFS about myself is to eat, eat, eat. Hope this helps. Love you, Maureen
If we look at the "pieces" of what this guy is saying: (1) when we try to understand the "me" of who we are, we "divorce" ourselves from the true nature of our existence - I read this to mean that we get caught up in our own head and get stuck there; (2) there is a viable, understandable path that leads to addiction: lets look at this path in the context of my addiction to M&Ms: when my office was on the other side of the building, I didn't know about Judy's M&M dispenser, it wasn't an issue. I worked in that building for 3 years without ever having an M&M! My office moved to within one other office next to hers; suddenly I became aware of the dispenser and the trickle of people going to get them every day. Here's the path to addiction: I became INTERESTED in what was happening; I helped myself to one little handful of those M&Ms, just like everyone else was doing, everyone else was able to manage one little handful once a day; my INTEREST cultivated a PREFERENCE to satisfying something deep inside me, a hole that has never been filled in my life; suddenly, I became ATTACHED to the act of getting those M&Ms, eating them soothed me somewhat, and once a day became several times a day - and the behavior became secret (or so I thought); over the course of many months, I began to obssess about getting those M&Ms; when could I go to her office without people seeing me? I would take my lunch hour at a different time as everyone else so that the area where I work would be empty, including Judy's office - and I would go and practically empty that dispenser when everyone was out - now, of course she knew it was me doing this, I was the only one working while everyone else was out! That didn't matter to me, I was OBSESSED with the how and why and where I would eat those M&Ms; I am now at the end of the path - OBSESSION turned into bonafide ADDICTION. For the past 3-4 months, no matter how hard I tried, no matter the promises I would make to my son, myself, to GOD, I could not stop myself from eating tons of that candy. This is what fascinates me about what this guy says. I'm not really into the whole Budha thing, but this makes really good sense to me. I GET IN THE MOST TROUBLE WHEN I STAY LOCKED INSIDE MY OWN HEAD. Because bad thoughts about myself reside there, thoughts that I've had since I was too young to remember. The only way I've ever know how to sooth those FALSE BELIEFS about myself is to eat, eat, eat. Hope this helps. Love you, Maureen Most Active
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