open marriage? divorce?

hey all! i know that it's been a really long time since i've been around, but when i started struggling with this, i knew this would be the place to go. so i hope you don't mind me flooding the boards all of a sudden. okay...here's the problem: when i married my husband, i was over 400 pounds, so i was more than okay with boring old sex. now, i'm a complete freak, and well...he's NOT. we're not into the same things at all. hell, i can't even get him into french kissing - it's a real nightmare. *sigh* i've had a couple of affairs, but nothing really seems to phase him. we started marriage counseling a couple of weeks ago, but so far everything is absolute **** we've began discussing the idea of an open marriage, and i'm just wondering if any of you have any experience with that sort of thing? what are some ground rules that we should set if we do do it? is it something that could save a marriage or something that will definitely destroy what is left? i'm really lost here and could use any help or suggestions that you guys might have... ...and, am i alone in this sort of thing? any of you find out that you're no longer sexually compatible with your partner? thanks, ~k

Don't shoot the messenger but I really think this conversation needs to be between you, your husband, and your therapist (in terms of the open marriage question). In terms of the more general question concerning sex, it's a pretty safe bet that the way two people engage sexually is going to change radically and drastically when one partner's body goes from over 400 lbs. to a normal size. My husband and I are really struggling with trying to understand this - and none too successfully. Stay focused on health: physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual health. Best of luck. Maureen

I'm no expert, but marriage is about commitment and relationship. Sex is only one expression of that. It can be a source of problem, but more often is a symptom. In my opinion, an "open marriage" is not a marriage. You need to figure out how you feel about each other, and what you want for and with each other. If you can make it work, and you want to make it work, then do it. If, after trying, you do not want to continue in a committed relationship, then decide to part ways. But starting something else without finishing this relationship is not going to do anything good for you. You are hungry for something. You think it is a peak sexual experience. I personally think that is a poor substitute for true intimacy. One thing we all have in common is a struggle with our self esteem. This is NOT a problem coming from people around us, and it is not solved by feeding addictions to food, sex, or other substitutes for self-acceptance. I believe that you may be sabbotaging your own happiness. Please think about it. If I am off-base, I apologize. Joy

Kym, I can certainly understand your frustration as a sexual human being. There are certain things that I expect from a sexual relationship and not getting them is a deal breaker for me. I don't have any experience with an open marriage, but have friends who have been there. What I've learned from them is that there has to be something in it for both of them and it has to be mutually agreeable. It doesn't work if one wants it and the other doesn't. There also have to be firm ground rules that are strictly followed. There's a lot at stake with STDs and one person's behavior can have dire consequences for the other spouse. There has to be a greater level of trust than most marriages require. To be honest, I've known more successful marriages that involve mutual swinging than an open relationship. Having said all that... I guess you have to ask yourself what you are really looking for and what you are willing to risk. My sister's husband engaged in some practices that are now having a trickle down effect on the kids because everything is fair play when it comes to a custody decision and the courts get involved. Do you still love your husband and is the only incomptability in the sexual arena? Are you still OK on an emotional level? Do you still enjoy each other's company outside of bed? Have you thought about going to a sex therapist together? The other thing I wonder about is your husband's attraction for you back when you weighed 400 pounds. Please don't take this the wrong way and I'm certain that there was lots for him to be attracted to, but could it be that at 400 pounds he thought that you were safe and less likely to make demands on him if he wasn't comfortable with his own sexuality? As usual, I don't have any answers, but I do have lots of questions. Connie

Just curious.... How is your son coping with all this? Looking at your website, it's obvious you've made a drastic change, but not just in your weight. It seems like losing the weight has brought out a different side of you, perhaps something that has always been there but has just been dormant. Do you still love your husband? Don't take this the wrong way....but it almost seems like you are living on the edge....and living dangerously as well. When I looked at your pictures right after your WLS and even right before, you have such a sweet, angelic expression....and in your current pictures you have a darker, goth-like, edge to you. I don't know the situation at all. But perhaps your husband is the same nice guy you married, but is having a hard time coping with the new you. It just might be too much for him at once. I've also read that the divorce rate among couples where one has WLS is very high. I was single when I had my surgery and didn't pay much attention to it, but I know my surgeon would meet with the couples and advise them to see a marriage counselor if he felt there would be a problem down the road. I can't say much about open marriages, because I don't know anyone who ever travelled on that road. As no two couples are alike, who is to say what works and what doesn't? I do believe that kids know and sense everything, however, and I'm not sure it's a healthy thing for them. Please do not take offense to anything I've said here. I only wish you the best and want everyone to find happiness, no matter what road they take to find it. Best Wishes! Joanie

kym..i can only agree that i don't feel that this board is necessarily the place for some of this discussion. i am flattered that you feel comfortable talking with us but i don't feel that we are the ppl with whom you should be talking.... i wish you well.... i can only speak as one who was on the other end of the open marriage discussion--my first hubby wanted it and i couldn't abide by it...i have YET to tell our children this and we have been divorced for almost 9 years after having been together 26. i am not that much of a prude however; my idea of the sanctity of marriage seemed to be a different path than his took.... this is just me.