A question for you

So I've come to the conclusion that I am seriously depressed. Clincially, according to the symptoms. The best way I can describe how I'm feeling is I just can't get up, you know? Like the time I fell down when I weighed 370 lbs. and I could not get up - it took two adult men to get me up off the ground. But this is an emotional defeatism, not a physical one. So here's my question to you: do life cir****tances create the depression, or is the depression there no matter what your life cir****tances? I know all the theories about brain chemistry and genetic predisposition (my mother tried to kill herself several times when I was a child and my father was a falling down **** in the corner, pass out drunk for most of my childhood). Depression flows through our blood. I've fought the good and hard fight most of my adult life and I am proud of what I've been able to accomplish, I'm proud of the man I married (even though we may not be right together), I'm profoundly proud of our children (Devin WILL prevail and grow up to be every bit as remarkable a young man as I envision he will be); but am I depressed because I am so dreadfully alone and lonely in my marriage, and because I miss my daughter so much that I can barely breathe when thinking about her, and my job is routine and boring and I am just "showing up" to get the paycheck to pay the bills that never end, just like everyone else. If these cir****tances changed: we divorce and I meet a wonderful man who loves me and wants to share the rest of his life with me and it is right...and I leave my current position (and the M&Ms!!!) and move onto something that spins my wheels, gets my juices flowing, makes me feel young and valued and appreciated again...and I stop eating and I stop gaining weight -- and all of it, all of those cir****tances change, will I be happier? Or will this depression be there no matter what? What came first, the depression or the cir****tances that feed the depression? What's your take on this? You guys have been great, thanks. I'm going to start thinking about getting some help...love, Maureen

You have depression in your family, and that could mean you are predisposed to it. To speculate the chicken or the egg theory at this point in time is not going to help matters one way or the other. I've been in your shoes as far as marrage is concerned and I know what that feels like. I went to therapy. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed by a psychiatrist. I went on Prozac. And I made changes. Big changes. I left my marriage and got a job in another state. I decided that I wanted to be happy. I went out and made friends. I made a new life for myself. Today, my kids are thriving, I am on friendly terms with my ex, and I am enjoying my life. I could not have done any of this without the help of a good therapist. Try not to over speculate and think too far into the future. As they say....one day at a time. So, in response to your question about what came first...the depression or the cir****tances....it doesn't matter. What matters is that you get the help you need and take care of yourself. You are a strong, beautiful, capable woman who ha**** a bump in the road (as we all do from time to time). You have a lot to offer this world. One more thing---we can all write to you and tell us our stories and what we did and what was right for us. Some people stayed in marriages. Others left. Some left sooner than later. No one can walk in your personal shoes. Only you know what is right for you to do. No one, but NO ONE has the right to tell you whether you should stay in your marriage or leave it. But with the help of a good therapist, you will be able to make the decison yourself. I wish you nothing but joy, health and happiness. Joanie

do life cir****tances create the depression, or is the depression there no matter what your life cir****tances Believe it or not, I started to write that I don't know because I've never experienced a severe depression. And then I remembered that there was a time that I wanted to die every day for a year of my life. And then one day I realized that I had stopped crying. Maybe if I had taken an anti-depressant I would have stopped crying after 6 months, I don't know. What I do know is that after I stopped crying, I still had bills to pay, there was no Prince Charming standing at my door, and I still had demons to battle. Maureen, like Joanie says, I can tell you what happened with me, but it won't matter because all that counts is what you do and how you decide to live your life. Looking at this from 2,000 miles away, my guess is that there is some chemical depression topped with a healthy dose of situational depression. A double whammy, but not insurmountable. My personal belief is that happiness is a decision. I know that sometimes a chemical imbalance will feel like the depression is out of your control, but what is in your control is the decision to seek help and the decision to pursue happiness until you get it. My other belief is that there is no external happiness unless you are happy with yourself. You have to get right with yourself. You have to like yourself. Prince Charming might ride up with the perfect job offer, a proposal of marriage and a bag full of sugar-free, calorie free M&Ms, but it won't matter unless you are right with you. Love ya much, Connie

i can offer nothing more than joanie and connie have said so well...just hugs and prayers-- well- ok- one thing--no matter which came first-you will do your self a big injustice if you try to analyze it to death alone.....this (depression) is not a sign of failure...and i sense that you see it that way due to family history..( as i did in my own situations) .you would only improve your life by seeking treatment-therapy as well as possibly/probably medication...do not do this "overthinking" thing to yourself...it's a nasty game....only you can make you happy........ which came first? we'll never be sure.....but i say the chicken!

Hell I think that disfunctional families are normal. theres more of those than anything else.

I cannot say anymore than Joan and Connie. They both gave you my answers. I know I had to choose what would make me happy and it had to be within myself and my power. No man, no job could do it. I wish you well and here is another hug........

I struggle with depression. External circunstances definitely make it worse. Even when life is good, there is a residual "brain fog" and pessimistic attitude that creeps in without me realizing it and colors my world gray. When I am stressed (and life usually provides plenty of that!), I easily get into that "fallen down a dark well" feeling and feel totally helpless to do anything to make life better. The first symptom is tiredness without any cause. So I take antidepressants. They do not remove all feelings of sadness. They just help me get unstuck and realize that I can make a difference in my cir****tances. They make me able to enjoy the good times. They give me hope to get through the bad times. They give me the courage to feel my feelings, both good and bad. They also help with compulsive behavior control. Some of compulsive behavior seems to be rooted in the same "stuck" place that depression comes from. I don't guarantee that antidepressants would solve your M&M problem, but it is possible that the sugar and chocolate is an attempt to self medicate. I don't know what your history of medication is, but I encourage you to talk to your doctor and try some drug treatment. Sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right drug and dose. And it takes a while to get enough in your system to see what they will do. If one does not work, try another. As for your chicken and the egg question, I do believe that depression can color our perception and our responses to the point where the thing we fear the most becomes reality. People will pull away because we are hard to be around. I personally believe untreated depression has destroyed many marriages--mine could have been one. We had to talk though issues, but could not have done it without treating the depression, and we would be right back there in the same place in a short time if we quit. Cir****tances do not create depression. They may trigger it, or intensify it, but they do not cause prolonged numb inability to feel or act. External events and people cause grief and sadness, but without depression, a person is able to deal with the situation and move through it. Depression captures the darkness and holds a person motionless in a fog of isolation that no one outside can break through. After a while, they stop trying, and the person trapped also stops trying. You are not alone, but there is hope... Joy

Joy, you completely accurately describe what I'm feeling with this so I know you know what this is about. It's as if you're trapped in the same place. I know this post was not easy for you and I so appreciate your friendship and support. You're not alone either. Love you, Maureen

Just don't hesitate to keep hunting a solution-- there is a medication that will help. If only someone would invent one to fix teenagers.... Joy

Reenie I have been back on Zoloft for a month now & a good thing for sure if not I would have had a nervous breakdown this month for sure with all the crap I have put up with from Billy. Depression killed my brother so I know what it can do. Do not be afraid to ask for help. Depression is also one of the drawback to the RNY procedure. So you are not alone in this & not a bad person because you can't klick it on your own. Please get on something for it!! Marilyn, the Bearlady