What Fills You Up?

I asked this question of Maureen, but thought I'd also ask it of all of you. I'm not asking what makes you happy. I'm asking what recharges your batteries and makes you feel emotionally satiated. I'm a feeder. I love to cook for friends and family and love to have lots of people sitting around on the patio and enjoying what I've planned and cooked with love. I find that when I'm in the process of putting together a gathering of loved ones, I don't eat all day and people keep asking "Did you eat? When are you going to eat?" Isn't that crazy? All that food and I just forget to eat. Mind you, I send ALL leftovers home with the guests because I WILL eat everything left over the next day. I recharge by painting a room, by tiling a floor, by effecting change on my environment. I recharge by going places I've never been. By exploring new horizons and experiencing new cultures. Your turn. What fills you up? Hugs, Connie

Fills me up? Travel for sure. Seeing places I've never seen before. Doing anything and everything with my "The Man." It's been almost a year since both my kids have been in the same state, let alone the same room, so the thought of that fills me up. I live at the beach, and that fills me up---be it walking on the beach or just sitting by the water with my books. Being with my friends. I could go on.... Joanie

Two years ago I was "filling up" emotionally with all sorts of wonderful activities, still marveling at my ability to move and experience life. While I can certainly still move, my days, hours, minutes, are "used up" in trying to navigate through my son's problems and helping him get to a better place. More often than not, I feel as if I am being held hostage and the days are intermidable until I can crawl away to bed - and lay awake dreading the next day, more of the same. My husband and I do not talk, let alone touch. We do not have friends, we do not socialize. I spend as much time at the barn with my horse, Laela, as I can - escaping, I know. When I drive down my road and turn into my driveway I am filled with unspeakable dread. The sadness I feel is as torturous as my skin being on fire. So, I don't "fill up" on much of anything these days and it has been a very long time since I have felt joy. I can't remember, actually, the last time I felt happy. Folks, I know this is not a forum to publish this sort of message and I truly am sorry. I can only speak the truth. This is my truth. I am so very tired. Maureen

That is what this board is for..honesty. Without that, and helping each other we would have nothing. I am not sure what fills me up........I also enjoy entertaining. Especially recently. I hosted, planned and cooked for a Mother/Daughter Banquet at our church this past Saturday. Sunday I invited 5 people over that did not have family to go home to after church and we cooked our meal together and spent most of the afternoon in my home. And now I have invited 9 people over for a fish fry on Sat. I would love to invite more people over but Alton does not want to spend the day outside frying fish and hush puppies. What fills me up the most is Christ who loves me..no matter what I do, say or eat. When my life is right with him, the rest does not matter. (I hope this does not offend anyone but I wanted to be honest and this is the way my thoughts ran as I typed this.)

Hi Maureen, I hear the tremendous sadness in your posts and they echo the sounds I have heard in the rooms of AA many times of fellow friends who have hit their bottom with a thud. Years of putting the needs of others before the needs of yourself and trying to be all things to everyone else is a tall order of perfection that only God can complete satsifactorily. It eventually implodes on humans, you know. You MUST put yourself first. Right now. I don't know you very well and you might be offended by what I am about to say but I have seen similar situations happen with other addictions and the solutions are hard. Perhaps the best place for your son in a residential school/facility where his emotional and scholastic needs can both be met without the turmoil of what is going on at home. There are many good facilities that offer good programs and Medicare and Medicaid may pay for it. It truely could be the best thing for him, too. How can he recover with so much going on at home in addition to his stuff? With him removed from the situation, you can separate yourself from your marriage until you can address and better assess your own future and needs without the guilt and resentments that are currently eating you alive. You MUST go to ANY lengths to save yourself, Maureen. You simply must. If you need to go away to a treatment facility, they have financial assistance to help you, too. Don't deny yourself this help because of foolish pride, if you feel you need this kind of help. Overeaters Anonymous is a great program of recovery not just for overeating but for a new way of dealing with your fears and resentments. Heck, just figuring out what the devil those fears and resentments are that cause us to overeat or engage in distructive behaviors is the real challenge. We eat to push away those feelings that we don't want to feel. You are definately feeling trapped. You must get out to heal. You simply must. Stop putting everyone else first. Stop trying to fix everyone else's issues and look around in your own sandbox. There is plenty there to dig through and you must do so to recover. This is a hard road but the only one. And remember, we certainly don't love every person we meet and every person we meet doesn't always love us...sometimes quite the opposite! That's what makes life interesting. So if things don't work out with your husband, it doesn't mean that you aren't lovable. It just means that the relationship between two particular humans wasn't meant to be; but there will be others who do love each of those people in the future. I wish you the best, Karen

Thank you for this, Karen. I've been thinking a lot lately about finding an OA meeting - it's been a very long time but I do recall that it helped me way back in the mid-1980s. We're also researching potential alternative schools for Devin but they are a fortune and our combined income won't put us in a "need-based" bracket. We're looking into it, though - as well as perhaps sending him to one of those wilderness camps this summer, where he can learn about himself, the resources he possesses, and gain some much needed self-esteem. Devin is holding onto his childhood with a vice grip and I'm not sure why. He must feel very conflicted because he is a 14 year old boy who stands fully 6'2" tall and weighs 230 lbs. - and growing, mostly massive muscle, but he is a very big guy, I think the biggest in his class. I know he is dealing with so much. Anyway, thanks so much for taking the time and effort with your post to me - and I'm so sorry if I've worried anyone. Maureen

Check it out. This organization is supported by contributions and taxes and is for boys only. http://www.ctjuniorrepublic.org/about.htm Maybe they could help... Just a thought.. Karen

Thanks Karen. Several years ago I worked for a non-profit organization that provided day and residential treatment programs for at-risk adolescents and adults transitioning from being incarcerated. I've seen these places and they scare the hell out of me; I can't imagine my son ending up in a place like this. I have reviewed this site, however, and Devin certainly fits some of the profile of issues presented by the cjr clientele, especially the oppositional definace, his penchant for shutting down emotionally (pretending) in order to cope, I suppose, with feeling overwhelmed; and his habitual reliance on avoidance practices, particularly getting lost in the computer. We monitor his use, the computer is in a common room, and he does not have unlimited access to it - it doesn't matter, it just swallows him alive. I really appreciate you're helping me with this - sometimes I just feel so alone. Maureen

With all of my personal issues of late I actually have no clue what fills me up these days. I guess it's time to get back & find out for ME. I did have a nice date last night with a very nice Man & had a really good time. We'll see where that may lead. My walks with my dogs is always a good thing for me to release some of the daily stresses. Have a great day all!! Ladybug Marilyn