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I'm eating M&M's again, have been eating them all day. I'm devestated. This endoscopic surgery has not worked, I do not feel restriction of any kind, nor any signs of dumping. Of course I lost weight the first 10 days - who wouldn't when you are only ingesting liquid protein shakes? I have to reconcile the fact that this battle is mine and mine alone, no amount of intervention is going to alter the real source of my issues - emotional eating. We continue to talk of divorce. My son is flunking 9th grade. We are paying upwards of $700 a month in gas just to get back and forth to work. My father is dying. I can hardly breathe. And now I know that this has not worked. I needed to tell you, even though I feel utterly ashamed and alone and defeated. Maureen

OOOOOOK. Deep breath. First of all, call your doctor and make an appointment. Make sure everything is working as it should physically inside of you. Secondly, call your therapist and make an appointment with them. It won't make the problems go away, but it's good to talk and put things in perspective. Find a way to handle the emotional eating through therapy. You know you can do that. Ask for coping tools that you can use when you feel the most down. I'm sure a good eating disorder therapist can get you though. Third...your marriage. Well, I can't give you much advise, since I've already been through one marriage. There is one hard question to ask yourself. Can this be fixed? Have we done everything we could to make it work? Once you both can truthfully answer those very difficult questions, then the next step becomes very clear. Fourth, your son. As I've said in the past, I don't have much patience for rebellious teenagers. I'm very old school in this regard, so perhaps I am not the best person on this subject. Therapy? Perhaps he has learning disabilities which cause him to be angry? Perhaps he needs a swift kick in the behind and told who the boss is? I have no clue on that one..... Fifth, gas prices. It's killing ALL of us. I drive a small car. It's older. I would LOVE to have a brand new SUV. I love them. Not with these gas prices. But my car is paid for and it runs beautifully. It looks good too. As much as I'd love a new bigger car, it would be crazy financially for me to do so. Do you have big cars that eat a lot of gas? Perhaps it's time to trade in and get something more fuel efficient (if that is the case). Public transportation? Car pools? Jobs closer to home? Sixth, your dad. This I can relate to. It is a horrible thing to have to go through. My sympathy and prayers go out to you. I also pray he is not suffering. Finally, and most importantly, YOU. You have no reason to feel alone and defeated. You are a very strong and courageous individual. Take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Try not to look too far ahead on things. Take a deep breath and keep on going, my friend. We love you. Joanie

As always, Joanie -

Maureen, Was the surgery supposed to stop you from eating M&Ms? I don't see how it could. I also don't see how it could keep you fom dumping. If I remember right, dumping is caused by a lack of an enzyme that processes sugar and that was related to the pouch, not the stoma. They didn't do anything to your pouch, right? I didn't expect that you would have felt any restriction or dumping with a tightened stoma. I would have expected you to have better nutrient absorpbtion and feel full longer. Could I suggest a hiatus for divorce tal****il Devon is 18? When my son was 16, I was at the lowest point of my life. I cried every single day for over a year and just didn't see how I could take one more breath. I wanted to die. I made a deal with myself that I wouldn't kill myself until my son was 18 because I needed to get him through his teen years. I owed him that. Taking the decision of whether or not to kill myself off the table for two years really helped because I had to stop thinking about dying. By the time Danny was 18, life was good and I didn't need to put myself out of my misery anymore. Make a deal with your husband that you aren't going to talk about divorce until Devon is 18. Devon needs both parents to get him through this patch. If you want to get a divorce in a couple of years, go for it, but take that decision off the table for now. Can you and Jim do a modified work schedule? Work 4 ten hour days or telecommute part time? I'm going to increase the telecommute days of all my staff to help them with the cost of gas. Most of them telecommute 2 or 3 days a week now, but I'm going to increase it to 4 days a week to relieve some of the burden of these crazy gas prices. I'm so sorry about your father. I've got no words that will help, but would hug you if I could. Maureen, you are not alone and you are not defeated. Much love, Connie

Connie, I feel strangely relieved from reading your post. I cannot believe that a woman I admire as much as I do you has admitted to the same feelings I have right now - I can't tell you how many times I've thought about "checking out" because I just don't think I have the strength to go on. I can't tell you how many days I look into my son's eyes and realize that I don't know him at all, and that he frightens me. I can't tell you how many times I find myself literally counting the days before he graduates high school (which is an iffy proposition right now), and I wonder if I will be around to see it - or if he will be to experience it. To know that someone like you has gone through this and came through it intact and healthy - and funny and upbeat and all wonderful things - gives me hope in my feelings of profound despair. Your advise about holding off on divorce talks is very sound and in fact we talk about doing just that. If only we could find a way to connect through these next three years, it might be tolerable. But I am so utterly alone and desperately lonely in my marraige. It's not his fault - it's not my fault - we do love one another but we are not good together in the face of what we are dealing with every single day. At any rate, thanks for this. I've had another very bad day of eating. I DID contact the surgeon's assistant and let her know what's going on; the surgeon is in Europe and won't be bac****il next week, she gave me some good advice and told me she'd be back in touch when he returns. She did say that this procedure is not always successful - some patients do very well and lose their desired weight, some don't lose any. We shall see. The bottom line for all of us is that it falls to us, no matter what, it falls to us to do what we have to do. I am driven by food demons - always have been, always will be. Thanks for being there. Maureen

Time, Maureen, time. I've learned that all things get better with enough time and careful consideration. My husband became blind when he was 15. He lost his mind in his late twenties. He was brilliant and strong and kind and funny and handsome and I never understood why God punished him twice. He worked hard as hell and got two bachelors and one Masters degree and then he died at 39. I never understood whether his death was the third strike from God or final relief. I guess it doesn't matter in the end. What I learned from Dan through all of this is that things do get better. If ever there was a person who had a right to give up and check out, it was Dan. He never gave up hope that given enough time, things resolve themselves and things get better. Here's some irony for you... Before he became so ill that he couldn't work, Dan was a counselor with the suicide hotline. Day after day, he talked people out of killing themselves and he never lost anyone. He always said that you lose all chance at opportunity when you give up. You never know what's around the corner and sooner or later, it just has to be something good. If Dan could hang in there to see what was around the corner, the rest of us certainly can. Love, Connie

Dear Maureen You are for sure not alone in this!! You are eating M & M's because of all the stress going on in your life at the moment. I can tell you with the last few weeks & my stress I have been eating stuff I have not touched in 4 yrs. all due to the stressful crap I have been through. Things have calmed down somewhat, but, I also went back to old habits out of sheer stress. I have gained quite a bit of weight & just yesterday threw out all of the sugar fille garbage in my house. I had to put a stop to it MYSELF. It did not get into the house by anyone else, So I had to get rid of it. Maybe it is the zoloft finally working after 3 weeks & finally got my head out of the sand. Take a deep breath & call someone ablut the depression & find something to help with the stress & anxiety you are going thru. Your outlook on everything will change with taking something anti-depressant. Taking them is not a bad thing. Depression can Kill so please ask for help. I did & feel much better. Big Hugs Ladybug Marilyn

I'm glad you're feeling better, Marilyn. Hang in there. M.

Well Maureen, where do I start?!! OK, you're still eating the M&Ms.......What makes you think that you are alone?? Are you reading the posts here?? Most if not all of us are fighting with our personal food demons again. Write this down.......THE WLS HONEYMOON IS OVER....we've all figured out how to bypass the bypass, so to speak. On the other hand my dear, you ain't the same person you were Pre-OP. Get someone to take a picture of you right now and take a long, hard look at it........I mean really look at it with your brain as well as your eyes. You'll probably be pleasantly suprised. I'm not all that pleased when I look at my flabby ass (and everything else) in the mirror when I get out of the shower. I'm also not thrilled with what the scale tells me. On the other hand, when I see a picture of myself, I'm invariably suprised that I'm not the tub of lard that I still envision myself to be. You're right, medical intervention will only go so far......the rest is up to you sweetie, like it or not!!! Bottom line here........stop looking at the "half empty" part of the damn glass and appreciate how far you've come.......PLEASE!!! I'm sorry about your Dad.......There just are no words to ease that pain. I've lost both of my parents and my only sibling to various diseases and it just plain hurts. On the subject of your son: Listen to Connie......she's a fountain of wisdom!! Things will improve by the time he's 18. I wanted to strangle both of my girls when they were 16! 16 year olds should be locked away until they join the human race!! They are a strange and vicious form of animal that's all emotion and raging hormones and no rational thought process. The term "Please engage brain before operating mouth" does not apply here. I have no answer for the gas prices........I'm the idiot that voluntarily left a job which came with a company vehicle and gas card!!! How smart am I??!! I still think that I made a good choice by the way even if my little red pick-em-up truck should be listed as a dependent for tax purposes!! Now to the divorce issue: Are you unhappy in your marriage because of your marriage or because you are unhappy with your self-image; your financial problems; your child problems etc.??? Only you can answer this one my friend. Just as WLS doesn't solve all problems, divorce doesn't solve them all either. You must decide what's right for you and your family, but you should be fully aware of your motivation before you act. To put it simply.....look before you leap!! No matter what happens Maureen.....remember that there are lots of folks here who care.........No matter how it seems......YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! Mike

I agree with every single word that has been written here. I have none of my own other than will somebody please let me know when they do a revision surgery for my brain? Now thats the surgery that will help me! a lobomotomy! ah well thats not gonna happen. Guess its gonna hafta be me working hard to not put that stuff in my mouth. I guess I am "normal" now. I am struggling just like everyone else not only just people who have had our surgery. And sometimes I eat my personal demon, cookies, and sometimes I don't. But I no longer eat all the cookies, and ice cream, and candy. I'm normal sized too. O I've had a taste of the skinny when I was at my lowest. I enjoyed that. I loved that. I want that again. maybe someday I will have that. Its all up to me now. My mother is in NH right now dieing. She's 88 and will not be around much longer. The past 4 weeks have had her in nursing homes and hospitals with a total of 4 hours at home. I won't list all of her medical problems. Its the way of life and she is at the end of hers. There is no set time of when. She could still be here in another year but I doubt that very much. I'm very sad for her. She doesn't want to go and is fighting it. Lord I wish I had her strength even though she does not see that she has it. I'm very sad for me cause there are still things about her that I do not know and I don't want her to go. Can I stop it? not really. I'm extremely sad for my sister who my mother lives with. My sister will be effected the most when my mother leaves. My sister has never been alone. Their lives have changed slowly in the past few years. My sister started out living with my mother. No one can remember when it happened but all of a sudden it reversed. My mother lives with my sister now. when did that happen? That change of titlement? Sister lives with mother SWITCH mother lives with sister. Happens. Now my sister is in her 60's no family other than me my kids and my mother. My sister is the one im extremely worried about and sad for. My kids who drove me nuts when they were teenager especailly that younger one. The Police & I knew each other very well. I can still remember the look on the Judges face when we were in court for something that kid did. Thank god the brain as we age can forget some details. His parole officer was nice. I never thought I'd survie that one all during my divorce too! He is now 28 and such a nice young man! He has a great job! Oh my god he grew up! I ranted on and on in this posting. sorry. got to reminising. On a good note I did walk up 4 flights of stairs last night becasue there was a very big line at the elevator and I didn't want to have to stand squissed inbetween all those other people waiting for it. I lead the line on the stairs! It was follow the leader and I was in the front of everyone who decided to go with my example! I was also the oldest one on those stairs! I had an image that I had to show. Since it was my decision to lead that line and start the stairs exit I had to hold my head up and step quickly firmly with a smile on my face. No complaints came from me as I marched up those stairs. Let me tell you by the time I got to the top I was happy to stand and hold that door for everyone! O yes it looked like I was being such a nice person smiling and holdin the door but it was a defence mechanisum that made me be able to catch my breathe! Thank god I didn't get a hot flash that would have floored me.