Depression, Overeating, 4 years post OP

Hello all. I once had an OH login but it has been so long I had to create a new profile. My story in short: RNY GB 4 years ago. I lost 160 pounds, quickly, little exercise. I was one of those who had to be reminded to eat. Life was crazy during that time. I got pregnant 5 months post op and only gained 3 pounds but had a successful pregnancy. I breastfed my daughter for 12 months and continued losing weight. My lowest weight was 122 pounds, at 5'6". I went from size 24 to size 2. I was very happy, until people started pulling me aside and telling me I looked anorexic. Sadly enough, for some reason, this made me even happier. In looking at pictures during that time two thoughts cross my mind: You can see all of the bones in my ribcage/sternum (and my hair looked horrible) and, I've never looked better. I went through an unexpected divorce. Turns out my husband really REALLY liked women who were obese and had a huge problem with my weight loss. I was very upset about it. I developed a slight addiction to prescription pain meds, which I have since overcome, very happy to say. I honestly feel it was a compulsive coping mechanism. Since getting off pain meds I have developed a new coping mechanism: Eating. 4 years post op and I am so depressed because in one year I have gained 40 pounds. I now weigh 164 and I HATE my body. I look at my "skinny" pictures and get so depressed that I am no longer a size 2. A size 8 is very snug on me. I cannot seem to get a handle on this weight gain. I feel like everyone is looking at me like, oh... she's gonna get fat again. I feel like a failure. I have tried repeatedly to go on my post op diet... lean meats, leafy vegetables, and find myself in the freezer in the middle of the night with ice cream and chocolate. And huge SHAME. I know in my head that 122 lbs was too thin. I can't shake the depression of the weight gain, though... and now find myself "moderately overweight" according to BMI calculators. Each time I put my clothes on I want to cry, because I miss wearing loose clothing. Wondering if anyone else has gone through this. I am in need of ??? something. Anything. I have a personality highly prone to addiction, and terrified of being 285 lbs again. This weight problem is suffocating me, it is all I think about, yet cant seem to stop eating food that I know is bad for me. One thing that I hoped would help is that my new boyfriend just had lap band surgery, and his diet is quite restricted. I thought I could eat like him, with him, and lose some weight. Instead, I am ashamed to say, I find that I am in a hurry to leave him so that I can go get fast food on my way home. Please, please, someone help.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm also going to say the only person that could help you.....is you. And, in a word, an eating disorders therapist. Get yourself there, like yesterday. I'm 5'6 and a size 8 to 10. I was a size 6, but my weight levelled off and this is what I am. But you have to do this for you. If you want to be a good mother to your child, you have to love yourself, take care of yourself, nurture yourself and your soul. Go back to your surgeon. He/she will guide you. Good luck and my prayers are with you, Joanie

HI Jennifer Welcome to our board & yes, You have to seek some kind of help. You sound very depserate & 40 lbs is not something you can't overcome. Your body most likely is leveling off & saying the size 2 was too small. Take a big step & call for either anti-depressants or therapist to deal with the way you feel about YOU. Your health is important & you need to change your thinking. Give yourself a BIG hug today & say you love you just the way you are & that will go along way in starting over. God loves you just the way you are, so you have to start doing that as well. Take care & keep posting your & we will walk you through this tough time. Ladybug Marilyn

Jennifer, OK, let's do a reality check here. You used to weigh 285 pounds. You now weigh 164. How many women would kill their husbands and sell their children to weigh 164 pounds? You weigh less than the average woman. You can wear clothes that most women can't fit over their big toe. A size 2 for everyone except three year olds is not realistic. Wearing a size 2 at 5'6" is dangerous. A size 2 at 5'6" means that you are losing heart tissue and doing damage to your liver and kidneys. A size 2 for someone your height means that your body is digesting its own muscle mass and canabalizing itself to stay alive (for a little while until you do a Karen Carpenter and die of complications from heart damage from not getting enough nutrients). I can understand your fear of maintaining the path you are on and gaining even more. I understand that you're on a slippery slope and you can't continue to gain 40 pounds a year. I also think you are being way too harsh on yourself. Your goal shouldn't be to get back to a size 2 or 4 or 6. How about just getting the 8's to fit better? That's realistic. You're setting yourself up for failure because your body knows damn well that a size 2 should only be on people who can wear Garanimals. I'm with Joanie that a therapist who specializes in eating disorders might be able to help. I think that most of us Chunkettes are just plain food addicts, but it sounds like you might have a little body dysmorphia going on. Mind you, I'm not a therapist nor do I play one on TV. I'd also like to see you hang around and let us know how you are doing. We all have our ups and downs (God knows I ate my weight in fried shrimp a week ago), but anything you do in life is easier if you have someone to share the burden or at least listen. Lord knows, I could use your advice and support the next time I post some sort of melt down. Big hugs to you and be good to yourself. Connie

Sweetheart, you're not alone in this and the fact that you bared your soul in this post tells me that you are not giving up. First order of business - take a DEEP breath and do something, anything, that will get you out of your food head for just a minute. Go into the bathroom, close the door, and try to balance yourself on one leg - lift one leg up with your foot pressing into the inner thigh of the other leg - do it and try standing like that for a full 60 second count. Then repeat with the other leg. Press the palms of your hands together with elbows out for the entire 60 seconds. I'm sure this must be some sort of yoga pose, but for me it's an act of sheer willpower to not land on my butt. Do anything nutty that takes your full attention in order to accomplish - and for the amount of time you are fully focused on the activity, you are NOT obssessing about food. The added benefit is you feel really good about accomplishing the goal! I started jumproping with my son and I could only manage 16 jumps before getting tripped up - now I'm up to 130 jumps! I feel good about that. Jennifer, I am a Food Addict. I use food as a drug to try and diminish very painful emotions having to do with lonliness and despair and rage and - well, mostly intense lonliness. THE PROBLEM IS IT DOESN'T WORK. Eating crap garbage food does not make me feel any less lonely. But what it does do is makes me gain weight. Which makes me feel worse. Which makes me eat more. You know the drill. And YES, we both will end up morbidly obese again if we can't find an alternative means to deal with our painful emotions! Take everyone out of your Big Picture - the boyfriend, the ex-husband, your children (or child), your co-workers, take everyone out and you are left with the ONLY person who is at the root of what you're feeling -- YOU. And YOU are the ONLY person who is equally responsible for -- and CAPABLE of -- finding better solutions for living a sane, joyful, passionate life. EMOTIONAL EATING IS THE SYMPTOM, NOT THE CAUSE. Stop dwelling on the numbers on the scale and the size of clothes you wear! None of that matters if your head is in constant chaos. You must calm your mind before you can calm your eating. So, just today - I urge you to do something, anything a little bit nuts, and fun, and gratifying, to take your mind off of food - even if only for 60 seconds. It's the same sort of theory as a glass of cold water in your face, or a hard quick slap across your cheek to get you out of the place you're in...then just breathe. Your second order of business is to find some help and support ASAP - find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders, or go to an Overeaters Anonymous meeting RIGHT AWAY. Don't try to do this alone. You CAN turn this around. But it starts with you and no one else but you. Come back soon - very soon - and tell us how you're doing. Love, Reenie