Okay - here it is...
I've got 2 days until my anniversary, but I'm just trying to be honest to say I'm not sure I'd remember to come in here and post. And I do feel it's important to me to stay connected to you Marchers, even if I've not kept up on everything throughout the years.
My thoughts are so scattered nowadays I might just fragment this a bit so I can keep my head straight. We'll go in blocks:
Highest weight: 338. Weight at surgery: 325. Lowest weight on 3 year anniversary: 175. Weight now: 195. My "normal" weight seems to hover around 185, so I'm up from my comfort zone. I'd still have surgery in a nanosecond knowing what I know today, and I might just do it better if I knew then what I know now about myself. Who knows.
My diet: Whatever the hell I want - do you think I'd still weigh 195 if that weren't the case? 
I eat a lot of chicken - that's my staple. I crave protein more now than anything, so my first and foremost menu item is the protein, but I don't usually have an issue if there are carbs that fill in the spaces. I should, but I haven't. I have seriously considered going on Atkins again to try to get some more weight off and try to find a new set level. I haven't been motivated to do it yet.
I struggle with blood sugar issues. I have regular dumping that still happens (thank GOD!) when I have too much of the wrong kind of carbs, so there are some things I will only ever take a bite or two of. That is my saving grace. I would be lost without that negative reinforcement. While other treatified things are fine for me. However, I found that I also have late dumping syndrome, which essentially is the 3 hour later major blood sugar low that makes you sweat profusely, get dizzy, cranky...you know the spiel...nearly passing out, etc. I did pass out in the shower once because of it. I'm better at recognizing when it is coming on now and usually don't get as frantic as I had in the past. If I watch what I eat, I'm usually okay. But sometimes I'll have something knowing that 2-3 hours later I'm going to have to have something to supplement or I'll be crashing hard.
Emotionally my life has been a roller coaster at times. I have enjoyed it on one hand, but there have been hard times. Having WLS made me wake up to the fact that I was unhappy in my marriage. It wasn't that suddenly my husband was a bad guy. But he left me emotionally when I was pregnant with my son several years before I had surgery. I'm high maintenance in a relationship and I can't go without care and attention. I was robbed of that and I suffered. I think I clung harder while heavy though because I was afraid that's all I'd ever have. When I started getting looks and hit on, I think it made my fears of that go away. It didn't inspire me to seek out someone new, but it did show me that I don't have to be taken for granted.
When it came down to the wire for my husband and I, he was shocked how I felt. He was so wrapped up in his family drama with his siblings and parents that he dropped the ball with me. The problem is with me, once I finally get to the point where I'm ready to be done with it, it's really hard to go back to the start. We are still together, but it's not like I want it to be. He tries but it's strained. I don't know if it will work out in the end or not. We were the best of friends at one time. I'm just not feeling like we will ever get back to that. You never know though. I'm not ready to just jump ship right now.
And that brings me back to more stress. I need stability now more than ever. As I indicated in a previous post, my brother committed suicide in January. We were close, and this was hard for me. I think I'm okay one day and then a mess the next. I feel eternally flawed right now and I've been drinking too much wine as a result. I'm trying to figure out how to cope better, but I'm not doing so good at it. I guess if I were good at it, I would never have gotten to 338 lbs, eh? So my focus right now is that I need to make sure I take control of the wine issue before it becomes an issue for me. I don't ever want to feel powerless with it, so this is where I am putting my discipline. I have been enjoying the experience up until now. Now I need to be hard edged in order to keep from making a pleasure into a vice.
Speaking of vices, I never mentioned this before to many people, but for you Marchers I will. During all this emotional turmoil and the ups and downs, I also started smoking again. I hate that and I hide it from everyone I can, but it's been long enough now that it's hard to hide it. My kiddo doesn't see it, and that's the most important thing to me. All I know is that I think back to when we started this journey and how we knew we might fall into other negative patterns in lieu of food. Well, smoking is one that came back to me after being quit for 7-8 years. I'm just not ready to fight that battle though. I wanted to, but I'm not ready. Just one thing at a time for me right now.
As for my pouch, it has grown as I think it has for many of us. I started out with 4 ounces and all I know now is that I can comfortably eat a big kid's Happy Meal from McDonalds without a problem. I still have resistance though, but it depends on what I'm eating. I ate last night some leftover from lunch - Spicy Korean Chicken with rice, and ended up not realizing I ate too much. I know I started to take a bite and realized I was full so I stopped. But then about 15 minutes later I realized I had eaten too much and I was miserable. Every once in awhile that will happen to me. But I also realize what I am able to eat one day, I'm not the next. My stomach expands greatly around that time of the month, I've come to notice. I can accommodate much much more then, and for awhile it disturbed me. Once I figured it out, I just tend to roll with it and try not to worry about it. I just look for my stomach to shrink once the hormones have done their thing. So far it's remained so. But I still eat a hell of a lot more than I want to be able to. I wish I had that 4 ounce pouch back. It would make it easier for me to move on down again.
Now it's up to me though. Looking back 4 years ago we all knew we would gain weight back. This was part of the statistics we absorbed and hoped, prayed and swore we would never become a part of. I guess I don't feel overly anxious about it right now. I did when I hit just over 200 lbs after my brother died though....but if I keep it under 200 I guess it's okay with me. I would like to be 150, but I'm not going to stress myself over it. I want to be 175 as I felt really good there, but I'm not going to stress over that either. I have a lot more to stress over right now, and when I get to the point I can move on down the scale, I will. If I get bigger, you can bet your sweet bippy I'll find a way to have a revision.
For me it's just a simple problem solving technique. I couldn't solve the problem without surgery before. If I have to, I'd do it again. Hopefully I won't ever have to. But if that is what it takes, so be it. I hate to be blunt like that, but that's the way I feel. I don't have the energy to devote to this as some people do. It was never easy for me, and frankly I've come to really appreciate not dwelling on my weight as much. I still do it, but not near as much as I used to. I'll do what I have to do to continue having that freedom.
Okay - the kiddo is screaming that he's hungry. I know I have more to write, but that's enough for now. Oh - and NO, I didn't have broken ribs. They are bruised and sore, but doing much better. That's probably another post later though.
I eat a lot of chicken - that's my staple. I crave protein more now than anything, so my first and foremost menu item is the protein, but I don't usually have an issue if there are carbs that fill in the spaces. I should, but I haven't. I have seriously considered going on Atkins again to try to get some more weight off and try to find a new set level. I haven't been motivated to do it yet.
I struggle with blood sugar issues. I have regular dumping that still happens (thank GOD!) when I have too much of the wrong kind of carbs, so there are some things I will only ever take a bite or two of. That is my saving grace. I would be lost without that negative reinforcement. While other treatified things are fine for me. However, I found that I also have late dumping syndrome, which essentially is the 3 hour later major blood sugar low that makes you sweat profusely, get dizzy, cranky...you know the spiel...nearly passing out, etc. I did pass out in the shower once because of it. I'm better at recognizing when it is coming on now and usually don't get as frantic as I had in the past. If I watch what I eat, I'm usually okay. But sometimes I'll have something knowing that 2-3 hours later I'm going to have to have something to supplement or I'll be crashing hard.
Emotionally my life has been a roller coaster at times. I have enjoyed it on one hand, but there have been hard times. Having WLS made me wake up to the fact that I was unhappy in my marriage. It wasn't that suddenly my husband was a bad guy. But he left me emotionally when I was pregnant with my son several years before I had surgery. I'm high maintenance in a relationship and I can't go without care and attention. I was robbed of that and I suffered. I think I clung harder while heavy though because I was afraid that's all I'd ever have. When I started getting looks and hit on, I think it made my fears of that go away. It didn't inspire me to seek out someone new, but it did show me that I don't have to be taken for granted.
When it came down to the wire for my husband and I, he was shocked how I felt. He was so wrapped up in his family drama with his siblings and parents that he dropped the ball with me. The problem is with me, once I finally get to the point where I'm ready to be done with it, it's really hard to go back to the start. We are still together, but it's not like I want it to be. He tries but it's strained. I don't know if it will work out in the end or not. We were the best of friends at one time. I'm just not feeling like we will ever get back to that. You never know though. I'm not ready to just jump ship right now.
And that brings me back to more stress. I need stability now more than ever. As I indicated in a previous post, my brother committed suicide in January. We were close, and this was hard for me. I think I'm okay one day and then a mess the next. I feel eternally flawed right now and I've been drinking too much wine as a result. I'm trying to figure out how to cope better, but I'm not doing so good at it. I guess if I were good at it, I would never have gotten to 338 lbs, eh? So my focus right now is that I need to make sure I take control of the wine issue before it becomes an issue for me. I don't ever want to feel powerless with it, so this is where I am putting my discipline. I have been enjoying the experience up until now. Now I need to be hard edged in order to keep from making a pleasure into a vice.
Speaking of vices, I never mentioned this before to many people, but for you Marchers I will. During all this emotional turmoil and the ups and downs, I also started smoking again. I hate that and I hide it from everyone I can, but it's been long enough now that it's hard to hide it. My kiddo doesn't see it, and that's the most important thing to me. All I know is that I think back to when we started this journey and how we knew we might fall into other negative patterns in lieu of food. Well, smoking is one that came back to me after being quit for 7-8 years. I'm just not ready to fight that battle though. I wanted to, but I'm not ready. Just one thing at a time for me right now.
As for my pouch, it has grown as I think it has for many of us. I started out with 4 ounces and all I know now is that I can comfortably eat a big kid's Happy Meal from McDonalds without a problem. I still have resistance though, but it depends on what I'm eating. I ate last night some leftover from lunch - Spicy Korean Chicken with rice, and ended up not realizing I ate too much. I know I started to take a bite and realized I was full so I stopped. But then about 15 minutes later I realized I had eaten too much and I was miserable. Every once in awhile that will happen to me. But I also realize what I am able to eat one day, I'm not the next. My stomach expands greatly around that time of the month, I've come to notice. I can accommodate much much more then, and for awhile it disturbed me. Once I figured it out, I just tend to roll with it and try not to worry about it. I just look for my stomach to shrink once the hormones have done their thing. So far it's remained so. But I still eat a hell of a lot more than I want to be able to. I wish I had that 4 ounce pouch back. It would make it easier for me to move on down again.
Now it's up to me though. Looking back 4 years ago we all knew we would gain weight back. This was part of the statistics we absorbed and hoped, prayed and swore we would never become a part of. I guess I don't feel overly anxious about it right now. I did when I hit just over 200 lbs after my brother died though....but if I keep it under 200 I guess it's okay with me. I would like to be 150, but I'm not going to stress myself over it. I want to be 175 as I felt really good there, but I'm not going to stress over that either. I have a lot more to stress over right now, and when I get to the point I can move on down the scale, I will. If I get bigger, you can bet your sweet bippy I'll find a way to have a revision.
For me it's just a simple problem solving technique. I couldn't solve the problem without surgery before. If I have to, I'd do it again. Hopefully I won't ever have to. But if that is what it takes, so be it. I hate to be blunt like that, but that's the way I feel. I don't have the energy to devote to this as some people do. It was never easy for me, and frankly I've come to really appreciate not dwelling on my weight as much. I still do it, but not near as much as I used to. I'll do what I have to do to continue having that freedom.
Okay - the kiddo is screaming that he's hungry. I know I have more to write, but that's enough for now. Oh - and NO, I didn't have broken ribs. They are bruised and sore, but doing much better. That's probably another post later though. 
i like and admire your honesty--with us and with yourself---while there are some who may not agree with everything you ( or i ) have said--it is your life and your take --and i think that is where i am too- i have issues to deal with-they are my issues..and right now the priorities ( of michael's health/our bills/keeping the house/our marriage (which is in terrible shape) are what i need to deal with-the weight will take care of itself or i will deal with it later-i am healthier than i was 4 years ago as are you...
you recognize any shortcomings you may have and you know that you must deal with them in your own way...and then the question becomes- by whose standard are they shortcomings? don't stress over them...
i know that it has not been easy with the loss of your brother...here's a hug!!!!
You know, if you had just delivered this message in a crowded room, everyone would be on their feet applauding you. What's very, very clear from our little band of WLS warriors - and I do believe we represent the Big Picture - is that happiness is not a given when we lose the weight. Let me put it another way: losing weight is not the yellow-brick-road to eternal happiness. Life goes on. And life hurts. A lot. Our job, in order to be the best we can be for ourselves, our children, our families, our communities - the world - our job is to eek out those moments of joy so that we can relish them and share them with the rest of the world. This is giving back. And giving back gives meaning to our lives. You have been through so much, Dina. And I so relate to despite the empitness you feel in your marriage you are not prepared to walk away from it - it sounds as if we are both married to very good men who lucked out to find two incredible women! There's something to be said for keeping that connection alive, for whatever our reasons, and for however long we need to. My pain is that after losing my weight and getting pretty darn fit, I am now living in a sexless marriage - we're both trying to understand it, make sense of it and not really able to. So, for the first time in my adult life, I feel like a passionate woman with a somewhat attractive shape - and I go without sex, one day after another, weeks, months, maybe we're coming up on a year now, I can't remember. This is very, very painful for me. I thought I was giving Jim a gift when I totally overhauled this body - but despite the fact that we continue to tell each other we love each other and we are committed to each other, we are not connected, physically or emotionally. But we are the parents of a very complicated, raging, highly unpredictable teenage boy (our daughter is away at college, and like Joanie, my heart aches for her) and I can't imagine what splitting up will do to him. I fantasize sometimes about meeting someone else, I think that if someone else was interested in me and I was in him, it would make this decision to separate much easier. Probably too much information here. Sorry folks. Dina, you speak from the heart and you make us take a look and question and wonder and celebrate the strength that is in all of us. I'm so, so sorry about your brother. And I'm so, so happy you came back. Maureen
Hey Dina...
As always you get to the point and don't mince words. From what I read from you and all of the other Marchers is that there is no magic bullet!! We should all admit that there are 2 Great Truths of WLS:
1) Life goes on post-op....and it isn't always a fairy tale.
2) Despite the downside.....we're still way ahead of where we were 4 years ago. I think that we must try not to lose sight of truth #2 when truth #1 threatens to overwhelm us.
Thanks as always for your wisdom Dina. I'll try to get here more often, and I hope that you will too!
Mike
Hey Dina:
Thanks for your honesty. Shees.....where do I start in relationship to your post:
I still dump at times. I find I can tolerate food prepared by me than I can resturants or by other people. I never know when it is going to happen. I have found out if that if I am just a little nauseated to my stomach, I can take tums and it will help. Otherwise I have to find dear John and visit for a while. My husband is very observant and helps me when we are not at home when this happens.
I still have to stay away from a lot of pork and milk products. (I think I became milk intolerant at surgery, it could have been the loss of the gall bladder at the same time.)
I have found that icecreams can really help me clean out my system.
I found that my goal weight was too low for me...but like others that have posted, I would perfer to be 15-20 lbs lighter. But I am not going to loose sleep over it.
The loss of the weight did not make myself happier. I had to find that out myself and realize life gives you happiness....it is your choice.
Reenie....you and I are opposites now....I do not understand why I could care less about sex. It has not happened before in my life...but my husband almost has to make an appointment with me and then take rain checks for that event to happen anymore. I have discussed this with my primary care physician and he told me with the wls, I did not need lady viagra. So I guess my husband and I will keep making the appointments. I do love him, our marriage is stable, we are happy together. We do discuss the "issue" and he is very understanding. I did find a very good man and I thank God for him.
Martha, I suppose I need to admit that I certainly have lost interest in it as well - menapause has a great deal to do with that. Still, there are many wonderful ways for a couple to stay connected with or without sex - and we're not doing very well in that regard. We both let everything take priority over our relationship - I think we do it on purpose so that we don't have to pay attention to how we're hurting each other. Jim and I have been together nearly 23 years (21 years married on April 4) - and I know we love each other - but there's so much lacking. We're very good friends and very supportive of one another - but I feel such a loss in our not being "romantically" connected. Maybe it's just me. Have a great day, sweetheart. Reenie
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