My anniversary posting - early

I had sent this rant in an answers to another posting. Then I said Hey this is my anniverary posting! So I did the cut and paste and here it is. My anniverary posting isn't like past ones were I talked about how wonderful I felt. How the weight has slid off of my body. How I do not even think bout food. How I excersize. How I do not even crave sugary crap. How good life is. Life still is good. But my posting is diffrent. My posting mirrors the percentage of us who are fighting the food fight again. Its a struggle to not gain. A struggle that I feel at times that I'm losing. So much possitive has happened to me due to this surgery. I llikethe positive. I do not want to lose the positive. My pouch still works if I listen to it its the brain that doesn't. I do stay away from surgary things unless I'm battling low blood sugar and haven't planned with something in my purse. (mental note go stock the purse) I need to excersize every day. (mental note find a new gym my old one closed) I need to drink MORE water and stay away from my decaf coffee (mental note cancel the dunkin donut subscription) I had the surgery to be healthy. I'm the healthest I've ever been. I dont' want to gain weight but I am. I'm working hard but maybe not as hard as I should to get rid of the extra poundage. But I keep up the fight. I buy chocolate animal crackers at a store in my territory because my blood sugar drops and I feel in danger of passing out. gee****hat is happening more rather than less. Ok I've already made the appointment for the doctor. But I have the allowed portion of the chocolate animal crackers and feel better. Obviously I needed sugar. Then I crave the stupid things and procede to eat another portion an hour later. This continues until eventualy the bag is 1/2 gone, my tummy hurts, and I'm sluggish. NOT a good thing. I need to plan better. Food is my addiction. Thats what I need to remember. AFter the surgery for many years I didnt' crave. I didn't focus on food. \every day I said my doctor did a lobotomy! Then last year things changed. I craved. I focus on food. I want food. My old brain paterns have returned and I'm fighting with them regularly, daily, by the minute. Whatever they do to our stomachs does something to our brains too that changes but not forever. If we are to continue to be successful they need to find that key thing and fix it. Flip my switch again. I'm tryin to do my part but it heads me into a depression due to the return on the food addiction patterns. I am 5'7" and weight in at (arggggg) 179. OH MY GOD THATS THE FIRST TIME I ADMITED IN A LONG TIME MY CORRECT WEIGHT!!!!! At my lowest for a very brief period like a week I weighed 157. AT that weight I was wearing a size 6 and loved it. I have been weighingin at 163 for over a couple of years and woudl work at keeping it that weight trying to get back into the 150's at the 163 a size 10 fit great. Now at my size 179 I'm squeezing into some of my size 10's that are made bigger and the 12's fit snuggly but look ok with a over sized shirt. I have one size 14 and hate it. I hate that its in my closet. I hate to look at it. I hate that it fits. I hate it hate it hate it. I should throw it away cause I refuse to wear it. I haven't bought clothes in months becasue of the size tags. I use to go into juniors - god I loved goign into juniors - and would buy things. I am still not fat. But I feel it. I've got to excersize more. I've got to work harder. I've got to find out what it is they take out that makes you not think of food but it grows back 4 years later. anyoen know? So thats it in a nut shell. My anniverary posting! Would I do the surgery again? In a heart beat! Revision? Sign me up! I have a feeling over the next few years of us posting we'll all be saying the things Reenie is about getting permision to have it done then our postings will be how we did with that surgery. But I think for me its a brain thingy I need done. love you all good luck and god bless to us all.

Hon I would love to be 179 I am 230 something. That is lower than I was 10 days ago as I no longer eat constantly all day long. NO Money leaves not much food in the house to eat. I don't have a clue how much I have lost in the past 2 weeks, but I think it's about 10 lbs. as my clothes fit much better than before.(did not bring the scale with me when moved) I am back in AZ & closer to Billy. He is not living with me as he just moved before I got here. Thant may be a good thing. We are getting along just fine,& am glad to be a lot closer that 360 miles. Pam we have missed you around here, so keep your chin up & keep posting around here. We will get you through this tough time, just like Yvette. Love you, Happy 4th Birthday (mine is next week) ladybug Marilyn

Pam, where would we be without you?? The head/pouch thing - if we look it from a totally neutral point of view it's a simple matter of our appetite is totally taken away when your stomache is the size of a teaspoon. Remember what they told us when we were in the hospital at Middlesex? Think of your new pouch as if you are a new born baby - new babies can only drink a very little bit of milk or formula at a time; as their stomaches expand (as the babies grow) they can drink more at one time until they graduate to solid foods. Our pouches are no where near the size they were in the first year after surgery. They are probably much closer to the size of a normal person's stomache - but because we have not dealt head on with the reasons we turned to food in the first place (let's face it, anyone who is morbidly obese is using food for a purpose) then those feelings will return and we being to hurt ourselves with food again. I don't know what kind of insurance you have but you should check Dr. Thompson out at Brigham & Women's in Boston - he specializes in treated post-ops with endoscopic procedures - I don't believe I'm having a revision; my stoma opening is being repaired. A revision (I think, I'm not sure) is when they go in and reduce the size of your pouch again. He's not doing anything to my pouch, he's just closing up the stoma opening. And by the way, PLEASE do not share my situation with Dr. Aranow! When is your appointment? I'm seeing him on March 24 and dreading it. Today is my 4 year anniversary and I weighed in at 156, up from 140 two years ago. I feel miserable and fat - but I'm pushing through it. Call me at work any time. Take care, Pam. Reenie

My my my.....you know the more I read everyone's updates the more I realize we are all doing what we knew would happen anyway. I'm right there with you Pam - I got down to 175 at my lowest and now am running right around 195. The 175 didn't last long, but I hovered around 185 for the most part until the last few months. Then 195 became my set point it seems. Yet here it is, 4 years later and the only thing I can think about is how we knew the statistics, yet none of us wanted to be the statistic. Most people gain 20-30 lbs back after surgery. If I can just keep from gaining more, I'm trying to remind myself to be happy with that. I'm MUCH happier than if I were 325 (or 338 my highest) again. That's the most important part. But yeah, I would do a revision if I could too!

Thank you everyone for your replys! Reenie not to worry I'd not say a word to DR A about what you are doing. When I go for my appointment it will be to discuss me. Its your personal business. What we share here stays here we're kinda like Vegas that way. I'm so happy with the time change. Tomorrow when I get home from work I am going to walk. Monday tomorrow! I"m gonna do it! Even if I walk around my condo complex 10 times I'm gonna spend 30 minutes walking. Thats my pledge!

I hope you're not upset with me for bringing it up; he's very quirky and I don't even know if I'm going to tell him I'm going to another doctor for help. When is your appointment? I'm not looking forward to it because he basically rushes in, reads the lab results, pushes his nutritionist, and says "see you next year." I wonder what he bills my insurance co. for that??? Let me know how it goes for you. I will be co-leading the SG meeting on the 24th - can you come? Reenie