Worry (?)---venting....

Just had to share this with you guys.... So I went on my one millionth job interview yesterday. You'd think I'd be an expert on this. The job seems good, they pay is right, 4 days a week which is great for me. As we are getting into the interview, the office manager says to me...."there is always a lot of food around here, the vendors bring it in...a lot of people gain weight when they work here, but you're thin and don't have to worry about that." At this point, I wanted to do that knock in the head thing like on the V8 commercial. I just smiled. I worry about every crumb that enters my face. I worry about every prospective crumb that enters my face. I worry about what's going to be served no matter where I go. If we are going out to dinner, I want to know the restaurant so I can look it up on line to see if they have a menu on their website. I worry about protein, versus fat, versus fiber, versus sugar. I worry abou****er, versus coffee, versus diet iced tea. I stress over vitamins. I'm anal over being anal retentive! My point? What we look like to the world and what we actually are, may not be the same. I promised myself that if I get the job, not only will I NOT gain weight, I will attempt to lose a few pounds. Food and all. Joanie

This is IT, Joanie, this is precisely the issue; we are still the same as we were before we gained the weight, as we were while we lived our lives as super morbidly obese people, as we are now in these deceptively smaller bodies. We are still who we are. This is truly what creates the inner conflict for me. And it is the inner conflict - the constant state of worry and anxiety about becoming fat again - that keeps me wanting the food, to sooth those raging feelings of fear and anxiety. I keep telling myself to calm down, to just Live Normal. But there is no normalcy in a body that feels like a fraud to me - I am a fat person waiting to become fat again. THANK YOU for posting this. You have let me know that I am not alone in these crazy feelings and thoughts and worry - now maybe we can somehow learn to CALM DOWN...together. You're the best! Reenie

When I had my WLS I was sure that I would be "normal" afterwards. uhm...NOPE! Not so much and I do NOT think that NORMAL people worry about..."gosh, I had a soda today so I really need to up the water and gee THIS particular brand of string cheese has 9 g of protein so I need to ONLY buy that one and NORMAL people don't sit around THINKING/DAYDREAMING about food... I do! I will NEVER be "NORMAL"! I was not normal at 300+ pounds and size TIGHT 28, I was not normal at 160 pounds and TIGHT size 6. And sadly now I am not normal at 190 pounds and size 14- some are tight and some are not... I am not really even sure what NORMAL is, and do I really want it?? I do not think so, I really think I want to just be middle of the road, I don't want ot always be the WLS person that everyone knows, and therefore feels the need to comment on every morsel of food that goes into my mouth, or every pound Igain or loose either. I just want to mainstream ya know... I just want to be me and feel "normal" in my body...is that attainable?? not sure am I going to stop trying ... HELL NO! I may get there yet! Nic

i just have to throw out my thoughts-and they are MY thoughts-since i may never ever get to goal because i cannot get my head outta my arse and get myself back into eating properly for an RNY patient....i cannot commiserate totally with y'all...i am still unfortuantely eating a lot of the things i shouldn't--or at least quantities that i shouldn't--i guess overall i DO eat better than i give myself credit for--just eat too much....and don't exercise enough...i'll remember all of this when i do my anniversary reflection in a few weeks!!! if i don't--please remind me.... anyhow-my thought is that ppl do not understand--i bought something at a deli the other day- was at an overpriced grocery store while michael was in a dr's office...needed a qucik lunch and i bought a small container of (cold) white and wild rice--i love wild rice--and cranberries and i think it was lil teeny chunks of peaches--i did NOT even stop to question what the dressing was that was on it- some sort of oilandvinegar combo i think--it tasted better than i am describing it!!! anyhow- boom- 1/2 hour later i am in a dump due to the dressing i am sure--i know-my fault--shoulda bought the cheese sticks.... next thought...i am amazed at the ppl who say they are a size 6 at 160 pounds-nicole??? i am in my 14's at 170 # ---what am i doing wrong??? i wore a size 3 when i met my first hubby in 1973...and i looked good..i'm 5'1" had perky lil boobs and have alwys had wide hips...but i looked good....i will probly never ever see a 6-or even a 10....-i don't get it.......i know that i need my panni removed--would love a lbl if i ever get close to goal or there....and i'll have to self pay at that...... but i do not understand the disparity of size vs weight..... what went wrong with me that i am so casual about what i eat now???i have been blaming everything on the stresses from michael's illnesses and accident--today is the 2 yr anniversary of his fall at work....and that means it has been almost 3 years since he got so sick...so for almost 3 years i should have been at goal--i was within 30 pounds of my goal when he got sick..i was walking-heck--i remember posting taht i had run...and mike (from here) had as well.....is this stress?? do i need a therapist??? what is wrong here???? sorry- joanie-not meant at you and i know it willbounce to your inbox but it just amazes me --- hey-your subject line said venting so that's what i am doing!!!! thank you for listening!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can understand what you are saying, however, it is your decision to eat what you eat. This surgery has affected each of us mentally in a different way. We all have stresses in our lives and if we choose to let them dictate what we eat, then that is our decision to make. I realize how difficult it must be to go through what you are experiencing with your husband. In my 4 years since surgery, my daugher left for school, I lost a job, my father passed away and I moved to a different city. Only WE have the power to change things in our OWN lives. If you are eating and not taking into consideration what you are eating, then (for me) that would be going against everything I promised myself when I had this surgery. Even if I eat chocolate or something not considered healthy, I am accountable for it, and I make sure I cut back in other ways. Therapy, I believe, is the best gift one can give oneself. As we set physical goals for ourselves, therapy helps us set mental goals. It helps us with the stumbling blocks, and it teaches us how to deal with stress. Personally, I put my life at risk by having surgery to get to where I am today. I had pain, I suffered. I cannot discount that. It is my goal to be healthy---not necessarily thin. I am 5'6 and 157 pounds and I wear a size 8 to 10. Now, when I really work out hard, I can get into a 6. Your height/weight ratio has a lot to do with what size you wear, and also your individual shape. Top heavy? Bottom heavy? Thick through the middle? All of these factors determine what size you wear. Nicole can be 160 pounds and a size 6. She might be 5 inches taller than you and a totally different body type. My point is, if you want to see a size 6 or 10, you will. It's all in your hands. If it is a priority, go back to basics. Go to therapy and see someone specializing in eating disorders. In order to be your best for Michael and his needs, you have to put yourself first. I'm expecting some backlash from this post, but it's just something I feel very strongly about. It isn't meant to offend anyone, and if it did, I apologize in advance. Take care and be healthy, Joanie

I am right there with you on this post. And if anyone is offended, they need to look at that. You are a beautiful caring person and this post proves how much you care - about yourself and about us. Love, Reenie

i will answer you and then read reenies answer--no backlash from me--i am well aware that it is in my hands...and i am actually eating better than i give myself credit for when i really sit and look at what i DO eat vs what i used to eat...i guess i need to take stock of what i perceive vs what i am doing... i agree that i need to regain control and i intend to --it is simply frustrating to see ppl in such small sizes--oh i understand about teh size 6 vs 14 at similar weights- i use dto sew --and being only 5'1" tall does effect where it all sits!!! as for the michael issue- what is really strange is that i have prepared to greive him now at least 3 times-and he doesn't go away! ouch-that probly sounded horrid!!!!when he first became ill in 05 i almost lost him twice-i had to really think about how i would continue to live-what changes would have to be made- logistics of work etc etc...i only have a few years with him so it is different than a parent --yet it is similar....--i can relate!!! no joanie-no backlash...only hugs for your honesty and support...i was not asking for any sympathy.....

Margo, I'm going to throw this out there and you tell me what you think - you're angry. You've got a lot of anger and you're feeling very bitter and there is no way in hell that you or me or anyone else can take care of themselves feeling this way. I know. I fight these feelings every day of my life. And I try very, very hard to own those feelings so that I can immediately replace them with more positive ones. Count my blessings. Do something good for someone else. Move my body. Get out of my head, the one that's filled with dark thoughts that leave me feeling like I'm in a deep black hole that I will never climb out of -- and channel that energy toward living a positive, productive life that's worth living. I fight this every single day. You did something wonderful for me - you put your negative feelings aside long enough to respond to my cry for help, and you helped me. You burned those tapes and mailed those CDs to me and I'm listening to them right now, just finished the first session last night - and my last thought before I went to sleep last night was, 'Thank you, Margo.' So I'm throwing out a challenge to you right now - just today, just this one little day out of your life, don't let yourself stay too long with a negative thought. And when you feel it creeping up on you, before it has a chance to wrap itself around you and pull you down into the abyss, reject it - and do something positive for yourself. That's it, that's all you have to do. Just today. Baby steps, Margo. Love, Reenie

you are so very right- the other day when i responded to joanie's vent-or used her post to do my venting--i was so angry-and so frustrated with things here at home--and it was one of thsoe days that i should not have posted anything at all on any forum-- thank you for understanding that reenie!!!!! yes-baby steps--as i mentione dto joanine above-i am really not doing as poorly at my choices as i want to think--it is jus so very frustrating because wewill never be "normal"=== and that opens a whole different therapy session in my life- something that goes back to my adopted dad , God rest his soul, and my first divorce and some other issues.... one of the problems that i am encountering with michael's workers comp struggles-they are trying to address his mental state but no one gives one crap about the spouse or caregiver- no one....and now taht i have no insurance i am in a more difficult spot... i am looking for OA locally - even taht is hard to find w/out driving 30-40 miles-- i am thinking a TOPS group maybe- just to make myself more accountable..... it is something that i need to own and i need to be aware of--and again--i should not have posted at all... i am not angry with either of you about this--at all......

I agree with everyone! blah blah blah I had the surgery to be healthy. I'm the healthest I've ever been. I dont' want to gain weight but I am. I'm working hard but maybe not as hard as I should to get rid of the extra poundage. But I keep up the fight. I buy chocolate animal crackers at a store in my territory because my blood sugar drops and I feel in danger of passing out. gee****hat is happening more rather than less. Ok I've already made the appointment for the doctor. But I have the allowed portion of the chocolate animal crackers and feel better. Obviously I needed sugar. Then I crave the stupid things and procede to eat another portion an hour later. This continues until eventualy the bag is 1/2 gone, my tummy hurts, and I'm sluggish. NOT a good thing. I need to plan better. Food is my addiction. Thats what I need to remember. AFter the surgery for many years I didnt' crave. I didn't focus on food. \every day I said my doctor did a lobotomy! Then last year things changed. I craved. I focus on food. I want food. My old brain paterns have returned and I'm fighting with them regularly, daily, by the minute. Whatever they do to our stomachs does something to our brains too that changes but not forever. If we are to continue to be successful they need to find that key thing and fix it. Flip my switch again. I'm tryin to do my part but it heads me into a depression due to the return on the food addiction patterns. I am 5'7" and weight in at (arggggg) 179. OH MY GOD THATS THE FIRST TIME I ADMITED IN A LONG TIME MY CORRECT WEIGHT!!!!! At my lowest for a very brief period like a week I weighed 157. AT that weight I was wearing a size 6 and loved it. I have been weighingin at 163 for over a couple of years and woudl work at keeping it that weight trying to get back into the 150's at the 163 a size 10 fit great. Now at my size 179 I'm squeezing into some of my size 10's that are made bigger and the 12's fit snuggly but look ok with a over sized shirt. I have one size 14 and hate it. I hate that its in my closet. I hate to look at it. I hate that it fits. I hate it hate it hate it. I should throw it away cause I refuse to wear it. I haven't bought clothes in months becasue of the size tags. I use to go into juniors - god I loved goign into juniors - and would buy things. I am still not fat. But I feel it. I've got to excersize more. I've got to work harder. I've got to find out what it is they take out that makes you not think of food but it grows back 4 years later. anyoen know?