I NEED YOUR HELP
So picture this... Tucson, Arizona 1986. I'm on weight loss attempt #496 and have just left my one and only TOPPS meeting where they have just spent 2 hours discussing the pros and cons of eating ketchup on your french fries and how one of the women in the group intentionally ate ketchup on her fries to irritate her skinny mother. I'm sure that not all TOPPS meetings are like this. I'm sure not all TOPPS groups are made up of inane people with nothing other than ketchup to discuss, but I'll never know for sure because that was 2 hours of my life I'll never get back and I'm not willing to risk another 2 hours by attending another meeting to find out.
Still desperate to lose weight and not willing to give up, I find a therapist who specializes in eating disorders. Our first meeting and she explains to me that she has lost 30 pounds so she knows exactly what I'm going through. Yeah, OK, I'll trade your 30 for my 130, but I just smile and nod. We then go on and talk about what I eat, when I eat, how much I eat, how I feel when I eat, yada, yada, yada. Somewhere along the way I mention eating some flavor of ice cream that I don't even like all that much.
WHAT?!?!?!? Why would you eat something that you really didn't like she asks me incredulously? This is an astonishing concept for her. Not only am I eating more than I should, not only am I eating when I'm not hungry... I'm eating food I don't even like. How the heck did this woman think I got fat? She asked me why I would torture myself that way and I tried to explain that it wasn't torture. I tried to explain that I was just stuffing it in and not really tasting it. "Why are you punishing yourself?", she asks. I stand up to leave and tell her that if she doesn't understand any of this, then she needs to find another job. That's the last I saw of the perky little therapist.
Picture this.... Phoenix, Arizona.. Twenty-something years and 130 pounds later I find myself taking a bite of stale bread. Across my brain unfurls a banner that asks the question "Why are you punishing yourself with this?" I take another bite and I see a little crop duster fly across my mental line of sight and behind it trails a banner that reads "Why are you torturing your body?"
So call me slow.
Hugs,
Connie
ok- here's a thought--just a thought...
how about if you give yourself permission to eat say- 6 or 10 -m & m's...just that number (or whatever reasonable number you pick!!) in one day....by giving yourself permission you would be taking away the guilt and the hate that you are feeling....and then--when they are "legal" you may find that you really don't want them so much...i know i was like that when i was younger with drinking and sex...before it was legal to drink i wanted to more- and sex- well- once i got married to my first hubby- i didn't want it! sorry--TMI!!!
reenie- i listened to geneen roth's "food is food and love is love" cd series- it helped.....would you like me to burn copies of the discs for you???? it's about emotional eating but seems to cover other aspects about food and life.... it's 6 cd's and i have them- won't take long- will mail them to you if you pm your address....
i know that this is a serious thing for you and i feel the pain you are experiencing and i am hoping you didn't think i was laughing with my first post.....
hugs marchsister!!!!
Oh, Margo, please do! I have a 45 minute commute back and forth to work and it would be so good to listen to this - especially going to the place where the problem exists for me! Thank you! Email me at [email protected] and I'll send you my address. Thank you!! Reenie
Reenie!
I so understand your pain.
I have fallen right back into the eat/guilt/hate pattern
I really do need to find a therapist who deals with eating disorders and will see this as an eating disorder.
I go thru phases where I crave all kinds of crap.
I did find some calcium choclate disks at walgreens called Adara or something similar, and I eat those, when I have to have chocolate. They are pretty good especially if I freeze them and I figure they aren't good enough to eat a ton of and I will at least get a bit of calcium for my trouble. I also use the viactive vitamin chocolate cherry chews...again they aren't good enough to eat by the handful but they fill my need most of the time.
I did really well on the 5daypouch test and did really well and actually did it for about 10 days but then the constipation made it ALL stop!
we are all in this fight together!
hang in there!
hugs
Nic
i don't understand why the email bounced back but it's ok--now the world can send you mail!!!
today - the package went out - should be there in 2-3 days- look for a yellowy manilla padded envelope.....
i copied the cover and back of the package and the inside sheet with the notes on the sessions- there are 6 discs a total of 12 sessions- i would truly recommend listening to them in order even tho you may find some does not apply to you specifically- she sneaks things in and has a great voice to listen to ..i thought so anyway...maybe i always wante dto be an east coaster...
just let me know that hye arrive safely- i didn't insure or anything...
hope that it helps somehow !!!!
as for me...long long story-someday...
Hey Reenie
When I was in San Diego eating constantly, ya no that endless
stuff, just because it was there. Now that I am in AZ & don't
have money for food or crap in the house I have lost quite a
bit of weight. Get rid of the Chocolate. Since the food is
only when i can get it instead of always. I don't need as much
to get full. kind of like the early days, so I guess we can
shrink that pouch again. Soon as i get some scales I will no
how much I have actually lost. I think it's about 10 lbs or
so.
LOve you & wish I could give you better help on this problem
Ladybug Marilyn 
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